I’m not even sure I feel like writing a Howdygram post, but what the hell. You’re stuck with me.

Hi. It’s 4:20 Thursday morning. I can’t sleep, my back itches and I’m bored. I have nothing to do, nothing to shop for, no pills to take, no socks to fold, no emails to answer, I’m avoiding the news and I don’t feel especially motivated to EAT anything, either, unless you’ve got some wintergreen Tic Tacs. (I love wintergreen Tic Tacs.) I’m not even sure I feel like writing a Howdygram post, but what the hell. You’re stuck with me.

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I finally went to bed at 5 a.m. and slept for two hours. TWO STINKING HOURS. I know I’ll probably be unconscious in the family room by 10 a.m. but for now I’m still trying to stay awake. It’s 9:15 and Sam is on his way to Tom Thumb to buy me the following of essential groceries: 1) tasty Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf; 2) a couple bags of mixed salad greens; 3) a pound of thick-sliced American cheese from the deli; and 4) 50 two-liter bottles of Coke Zero, the preferred beverage of Howdygram headquarters [see Marcytini]. Incidentally, that’s not a typo, people. He’s bringing home FIFTY TWO-LITER BOTTLES. Coke Zero was on sale a couple of weeks ago and they didn’t have enough on the shelf so Sam requested a rain check. The store even lets him bring them home in those plastic stacking trays so we can play supermarket!

Regarding item 3 in the previous paragraph, I stopped buying Kraft’s crappy acrylic day-glo orange American “cheese food” singles a long time ago when they finally achieved the taste and texture of a salted rubber place mat. I highly recommend buying genuine, undyed yellow American cheese from the deli counter instead, and if you ask for it thick-sliced it won’t stick together or dry out. Then go home, make yourself a classic grilled cheese and invite me for lunch. (You’re welcome.)

I think I need to lie down now. Two hours of sleep just isn’t cutting it and the entire top of my head just went numb. Shut the light when you’re done here, okay?