There’s nothing quite like a good movie with Xavier Cugat and Carmen Miranda.

It’s a lovely, clammy Saturday night, and tonight we’re watching West Side Story (1961) starring Russ Tamblyn, Richard Beymer, Rita Moreno and Natalie Wood. Right now they’re all at the local Friday night dance, the scene where Maria (Natalie Wood) and Tony (Richard Beymer) meet for the first time, and everybody immediately has a brain hemorrhage because he’s American and she’s Puerto Rican. Even worse, their relatives belong to opposing gangs — the Jets and the Sharks — who constantly beat the shit out of each other for control of a cruddy little inner-city neighborhood. Adapted from Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet,” it’s a great story with great music, great dancing and great performances. West Side Story won 10 Oscars. Whoa ... THAT’S A LOT OF GODDAMN STATUES!

Sam said I looked like a werewolf. Immediately thereafter I felt motivated to tweeze my eyebrows.

You’ve been waiting for news about my “teefs,” right? Fine. Fine! Here’s the scoop: MY NEW DENTURE WAS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FAILURE. My dentist and her assistant from Elite Mobile Dental showed up at 5 p.m., put the denture in my mouth, jiggled it around … and I knew immediately that it was a no-go. So she scraped things, filed things, smooshed the denture with three wads of adhesive … AND IT WAS STILL ATROCIOUS. As a matter of fact, the teeth were so awful that Sam said I looked like a WEREWOLF. (Immediately thereafter I felt motivated to wax my knuckles and tweeze my eyebrows.)

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a teeny new prince!

There’s big news bubbling forth today from Buckingham Palace … the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a teeny new PRINCE! The royal bundle of adorableness, who’s fifth in line to the throne, weighed in at 8 pounds 7 ounces. However, since the Duke and Duchess probably don’t need any bibs, onesies or crib toys, please feel free to send your cash-only gifts directly to the Howdygram and we’ll forward them on to England at our convenience. Click here to request our mailing address. Thank you.

Guess what! My new lower denture didn’t fit yesterday and the teeth were the wrong color.

It’s a wild and windy Tuesday morning here. The fireplace flue is rattling, our solar screens are vibrating, and I’m waiting for a phone call from Agape Home Healthcare regarding physical therapy services. A week ago Sam and I met with a representative from Physicians’ Choice … but that didn’t turn out very well as Physicians’ Choice seemed more interested in providing open-ended weekly nursing care (so they can collect more $$$ from Medicare) than six puny weeks of physical therapy, and therefore I couldn’t get anybody to follow through or set up my first appointment.

It’s been almost 11 years since I quit smoking. Holy crap.

Yo, people! We’re having a seriously overcast Friday evening here in north Texas following a seriously overcast Friday afternoon, and we even had a couple of TORNADO WATCHES today — Auntie Em! Auntie Em! — but no actual TWISTERS. At the moment (8 p.m.) I have no idea if there are still any “watches” or “warnings,” nor do I give any fucks whatsoever, because Sam and I are cuddled up with a couple of good movies — Dodge City (1939) starring Errol Flynn and Olivia de Havilland and Hollywoodland (2006) starring Ben Affleck and Adrien Brody — and a package of sugar-free Murray Pecan Shortbread cookies.

Every morning I announce to Sam that “Today’s the day!” … and then I realize there’s no fucking way I can do this.

FRIDAY, 11:24 P.M., 4/6/2018. Hi, boys and girls. Sam is unconscious on the sofa next to me and I’m enjoying the “Law and Order” marathon on Sundance. I love “Law and Order.” I never get tired of the stories, and the regular cast changed often enough to keep it all fresh. Personally, this might have been the best TV series ever, not counting “Downton Abbey” and “The Andy Griffith Show.” Thank you. End of rant.

This is just another thrilling milestone in the life of your favorite housebound senior citizen!

MONDAY, 11:52 P.M., 4/2/2018. Yo. It’s nearly midnight, Monday night, and Sam and I are enjoying Executive Suite (1954) starring William Holden, Barbara Stanwyck and an all-star cast. We always love this movie, but for me it’s William Holden at the peak of his total goddamn adorableness.

This is my last night at Baylor Hospital!

SATURDAY, 10:45 A.M., 3/24/2018. Wishing y’all a good and happy Saturday, people! I’ve just finished all the usual daily consultations with my doctor, my cardiologist and my kidney specialist. All three tell me I’m completely and thoroughly ready to go home tomorrow, although none of them was around when I got up to use the commode a couple of hours ago. It was a fucking NIGHTMARE. It took forever for me to stand up, forever to turn around (my feet felt like were breaking in half) and I seriously didn’t think I’d be able to walk 36 inches to the commode. I was even crying at one point, and Sam was miserable trying to figure out how to help me. And when I finished my business with the commode and made it back into bed I had a PANIC ATTACK ... I couldn’t catch my breath and started shivering. It took almost half an hour to recover from that!

I started running an unexpected fever again today. They’ll never discharge me on Saturday if I have a fever!

THURSDAY, 1:58 P.M., 3/22/2018. A good and happy Thursday to y’all. I’m still hospitalized, day five. About half an hour ago they put me back on an oxygen cannula due to I was gasping to breathe for no apparent reason, (my oxygen level was 96; my saturation was excellent, too). I feel better wearing the cannula for the moment, however. This may be related to the fact that I had an elevated fever this morning (99.8°) that came out of nowhere, especially since I’ve been stuffed full of high-power intravenous antibiotics since Sunday. Please stay tuned for additional developments, okay? I suspect I’ll be taking breathing treatments later today ...

I won’t be going home today after all, so I’m waiting for the nursing staff to find me a portable bariatric commode.

WEDNESDAY, 3:50 P.M., 3/21/2018. You guessed it … I’m not going home today! about an hour ago I found out that I’ll be here three more days because it’ll take 48 hours for my insurance company (the Scott & White Vital Traditions Medicare HMO) to process and approve the PICC-line I.V. and home health aide … and that would mean 48 hours at home with no antibiotics. So I’ll be staying at Baylor Hospital for three additional days and will probably go home on Saturday. Oy!

What every woman wants to hear at 4 o’clock in the morning; “Your tongue sticks out when you sleep.”

TUESDAY NIGHT, 3/20/2018. I don’t have much to write about from my hospital bed tonight so I figured I’d just ramble for a while until I decide what’s what.

I’m not going home today. Fortunately, we’re having rotini with meat sauce for dinner.

Good afternoon, boys and girls. I’m still writing from the second floor (room 204, specifically) of Baylor Hospital in Sunnyvale, Texas, where I’ve been recovering from a variety of ailments since early Sunday morning when I arrived here via ambulance. The official diagnosis has been congestive heart failure (which I already knew I had) combined with a very high fever from a resurgence of a stubborn urinary tract infection. If that’s too much information you’ll just have to deal with it.

I can’t tolerate sodium-free.

It’s a few minutes after 4 p.m. on Monday, March 19, and I’m still at Baylor Hospital in Sunnyvale. Sam was here for a few hours (he just left) so I decided this would be a fine time to work on another Howdygram post even though he thinks I’m taking a nap.

Mentally ill emails, round two.

Good evening, boys and girls. It’s me — Marcy — and I’m writing to you with gleeful hysteria (and two little cups of sugar-free Jell-O) from my new favorite location in the family room ... now that I’ve got my new MacBook Pro! No kidding, this is one of the most wonderful things that’s ever happened to me ... not counting the discovery of pre-cooked pasta in a microwaveable pouch. Don’t forget that I’m a handicapped senior citizen with all kinds of mobility issues, so it’s heaven being able to write a Howdygram post after dinner without shlepping back into the study to use my desktop Mac. (It takes forever to haul myself from room to room around here. You never realize how big your house is until you can’t walk any more.)

It’s always the right time for Nick and Nora.

I’m writing this post from the comfort of our sofa in the family room ... with my brand new MacBook Pro! It arrived late this afternoon right before Sam started to make dinner. I tried to control my rising hysteria but I think he knew that I wanted to skip the meatballs, rip open the carton and start horsing around IMMEDIATELY.

From what I can tell, about 65% of NBC’s televised prime-time Olympics coverage has been about snowboarding.

Hi-de-ho, people. It’s another cold, wet day in north Texas. We’ve got a full day of storms and heavy rain in the forecast … and the fun is expected to start around 10 a.m. (two hours from now) after Sam swings by our polling place to take care of his early voting responsibilities. (It’s the Democratic primary for the November election.)

Aljona Savchenko and Bruno Massot of Germany demonstrate the crowd-pleasing “flying crotch.”

Happy Thursday morning to you and yours! We’re experiencing a highly pleasant (and well-deserved) balmy pre-spring day here with an expected high around 80°. Following an unusually long Texas winter (three months!) with temperatures that rarely rose above 40°, Sam is so fucking happy he’s planning to go for a walk at one of his favorite parks followed by a quick trip to Wal-Mart for saltines, Claussen dill pickles and a bottle of low-dose aspirin. I’ll hold down the fort here at home because I’m a handicapped and housebound senior citizen. (I’m actually okay with this.)

A big Wal-Mart order, a visit from my HouseCalls medical team and our brand new feature, Let’s Learn Yiddish!

The stock market finally had an “up” day today — thank God! — so I’m feeling cheerful enough to suck* on an Atkins energy bar and write a quick Howdygram post. I’ll break the good financial news to Sam when he’s through with his afternoon nap.

Take care of your teeth … you’ll miss ’em when they’re gone.

It’s a bitter cold and overcast Monday morning here at Howdygram headquarters … about 34° with plenty of clouds. Tonight it will drop to freezing; tomorrow we’re expecting significant thunderstorms. This is an excellent situation, and I’m not complaining because we really need rain around here. Bring it on!