Donald J. Trump has a replacement for Obamacare: “Insurance for Everybody.”

Happy Tuesday night from the Howdygram to you and yours! Sam is in bed and I’m at my desk in the study, noshing on seriously tasteless Wal-Mart store-brand potato chips and an ice cold Diet Sunkist. Life is good. Also I’ve got a lot of exciting news, regular features and general tidbits to share with y’all. Oh boy, right? Let’s get started!

Inspiration and deep thoughts from Ryan Lochte: “Water is practically part of my life.”

I hate it when I can’t keep promises I make to myself. For instance, I promised myself I’d finish uploading my latest 17 bottle opener designs for The Howdygram Store ... and then I totally FORGOT due to a seriously annoying health-related incident — a “leakage” hoo-hah that happened twice in two days — to which I always respond by falling asleep and remaining unconscious for as long as possible (and as often as possible) until I don’t feel depressed about it any more. Most recently it was a six-hour nap that ended at 1:30 in the morning — about 90 minutes ago — and so here I am, wide awake with a cup of sugar-free Hawaiian Punch and a couple of mostly-stale pretzel rods.

Sam and I love the ritzy Star Transit senior citizen “cootmobile.”

Just in case you’re wondering how my doctor appointment turned out yesterday, the round-trip excursion on Mesquite’s ritzy senior citizen transport bus with a wheelchair elevator was absolutely fine, my visit with Dr. M was absolutely fine also, and I don’t have to go back for SIX MONTHS. Six months! I’ve been seeing her quarterly for about seven years so this is definitely a break from tradition.

The Howdygram Store is pleased to introduce ceramic mugs and an expanded line of mousepads.

 It’s been two whole days since my last post and I’m hoping y’all managed to survive without me. To help you catch up on the latest from Howdygram headquarters I’ll list all the hot news in well-written paragraphs with subtitles. Thank you.

Bouncing back from The Matzo Farfel Incident of 2016.

Happy first day of May from our house to yours! To celebrate an exquisitely mild, lovely, breezy and sunshine-packed spring day I just ordered a six-pack of Manischewitz matzo farfel from Amazon even though only last week I promised myself I would never do this because nobody ever needs six canisters of matzo farfel. Except for me, I guess!

Strange holiday gift ideas from the weirdos at Wayfair.

So what’s the big news from Howdygram headquarters? It’s 11:52 p.m. on the first night of Hanukkah, and in lieu of latkes I’m humming a rousing chorus of “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” and eating an Idahoan instant mashed potato cup. (Shut up. It’s the best I can do.) Here’s wishing y’all a happy, happy Hanukkah from Sam and me and the entire staff of Howdygram headquarters. (Okay, both of us.)

Holy shit. Gino’s East pizza!

I wasn’t really planning to write another middle-of-the-night Howdygram post but my joints are killing me, I’m totally wide awake and there’s nothing else to do ... so what the hell, it’s your lucky day!

An ode to drugs, “Columbo,” frozen food and Sam. (Not necessarily in that order.)

There are a million things wrong with me tonight, and that’s a conservative estimate. They include: 1) severe joint pain due to not taking my meds five hours ago while I was asleep in the family room watching “Columbo” DVDs; 2) a persistent low-grade fever; 3) pain in my left heel; 4) chills, body aches, a nasty rash and a relentless yet aggravating urge to pish, all the result of item number two; 5) a dull headache; and 6) shortness of breath. Put them all together and you get FUCK THIS SHIT!

Introducing Rootin’-Tootin’ Sam’s Wild West Toenail Clinic.

I feel compelled to write a second Howdygram post today due to very juicy incoming weather for the weekend and the pending launch of our exciting new Rootin’-Tootin’ Sam’s Wild West Toenail Clinic. There’s so much news I can hardly stand it!