Oh my God! Chubby little legs and knee socks!

Hi, guys. First and foremost, please accept my groveling apology for not writing Howdygram posts on Saturday and Sunday but there were other responsibilities around here that had to take priority. These included: 1) dealing with TWO MIGRAINE HEADACHES (not at the same time; I am not A Idiot) and the last thing you can do during a migraine headache is try to be clever and write things; 2) purging considerable crap from our kitchen remodeling hoo-hah and reloading our refaced cabinets and drawers; 3) breaking my new black sit-down bench (details follow); 4) buying a lot of important stuff online; and 5) having a fever on Saturday and getting exceptionally clammy.

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Further to my post of May 26 it’s my pleasure to offer another installment of The Howdygram’s Kitchen Crapola Sale, in which I attempt to palm off a lot of meaningless rummage on unsuspecting friends and relatives. Please send an email to reserve the shit of your choice!

• CIRCULON HARD-ANODIZED COOKWARE. Two omelet pans with lids, one insanely huge chicken fryer with a lid, three teeny saucepans and a mini wok. These are actually leftovers from two different yet very expensive sets. $10.
• ASSORTED STUPID FOOD. Ten 12-oz. jars of Beaver Brand white horseradish, $5. Two 32-oz. jars of Dell Alpe hot giardiniera, $5. Old tofu, 25¢. Six 32-oz.boxes of expired Kendale Farms chicken broth from Dollar Tree, $1.75. Two dozen packages of Miracle Rice floating in brine, $5. 
• ONE BREVILLE PANINI PRESS. An extremely heavy, high-quality electric thing that will flatten your lunch until the wrinkles are gone. Never used! $5.
• QUALITY KITCHEN ACCESSORIES. Four round wood-trimmed cork coasters, $2. One cork trivet, 50¢. Partial set of plastic measuring spoons, 25¢. Rubbermaid beige shelf liner pre-cut to 20 assorted useless sizes, $1. Small souvenir bag of miscellaneous lint, dust and crumbs, 25¢ or best offer. Broken manual can opener, free to a good home.
• ORGANIZERS. Six assorted white stacky-things from The Container Store for cabinets and pantry shelves. Sold only as a set for no reason whatsoever. $2.50.
• PANS, TINS AND ATTRACTIVE UTENSILS. Set of three really nice nonstick loaf pans in various standard sizes, $2. One eight-inch square nonstick baking pan, 50¢. One nine-inch Anchor Hocking glass pie pan, $1. Nonstick muffin tin, 50¢. Two large semi-cruddy nonstick cookie sheets, 75¢ or best offer. Collection of mismatched black plastic cooking utensils (two pasta spoons/backscratchers, three limp spatulas and a cucumber peeler), $1.

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As I sit here pondering my dinner options — always a favorite evening activity at Howdygram headquarters — I’d like to begin by discussing item three from the first paragraph of this post, namely how I broke my brand new sit-down kitchen bench.

I SAT DOWN ON IT.

Apparently this product is not designed for individuals with girth even though the manufacturer clearly states it can accommodate up to 350 pounds. BULLSHIT. The bench held up well on Saturday for 35 minutes; yesterday the frame and one leg cracked in half as soon as I sat down. While I didn’t expect fine furniture for $56.95 I think the damn thing should have lasted more than 24 hours.

So this morning I contacted Amazon to initiate a return and did some research online to find sturdy kitchen seating for my substantial fanny. I wound up at a website called Casual Male XL (big & tall clothes for men) that also sells a lot of really interesting chairs (patio furniture, dining chairs, office chairs, stools, recliners). I flipped for the Flex-One™ folding chair that looks like wrought iron (it’s not) and holds up to 1,000 pounds for $89.95. Unfortunately it was out of stock at Casual Male in every color except pukey bone so I Googled the chair and found it at Wal-Mart ... in BLACK (my preferred color) and you get A SET OF FOUR for $103.95. Oy! Thank you, Wal-Mart! I placed my order before breakfast and the chairs have already shipped. (They’ll be here Thursday.) I’m planning to use two in the kitchen, open one in the garage and keep one folded up in the trunk of the car in case Sam and I go somewhere (such as a restaurant) that doesn’t have comfortable seating for me. I can’t fit in a teeny booth, for instance, or sit in a narrow chair with arms.

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Here for your possible interest is an illustration of the important stuff I bought online yesterday: Scotch tape, a refrigerator water filter, hair wax, Glue Dots, “S” hooks for our new black metal étagère in the kitchen and two more of those wonderful large water hyacinth storage bins.

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And now, as a final wrap-up, here are four pictures from the news this weekend and my thoughts on each of them in case you give a crap. I’ll begin with the first official portrait of Prince George and Princess Charlotte from Kensington Palace. Oh my God! CHUBBY LITTLE LEGS AND KNEE SOCKS!

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Tiger Woods barely made the cut at the Memorial tournament in Ohio this past weekend after THE WORST PROFESSIONAL ROUND OF HIS CAREER that included a meltdown on the 18th hole. Woods shot an 85 and trailed the leader by an astounding 24 strokes. He hit four balls into the water and had seven bogeys, two double-bogeys and a quadruple-bogey on the 18th.

Look, I love this guy, but Tiger really needs a therapist or a mentor or a substitute father to push him to find a second career. Tiger hasn’t played PGA-level golf for an awfully long time and it’s beyond depressing for everybody to watch him dicking around like this in televised tournaments. He’ll probably blame this latest brouhaha on another “previously-undisclosed injury” — a finger blister! — to make it sound like he’s “playing through the (fucking) pain” again.

Oy, Tiger. Go design a five-star golf resort somewhere and put us out of our misery already.

Thank you for reading this!