Lock him up! Paul Manafort goes to jail.

Happy Friday, boys and girls! It’s not quite 7 a.m. and I’m wide awake on my chaise in the family room, typing like a bat out of hell and sipping a sugar-free Clear American black cherry soda. (I love this stuff.) Sam just departed for his morning walk and will probably be gone about two hours. (He always walks before the day starts to “heat up.” The high today will be 94°.)

I don’t want to write about poo.

Hello, people. It’s 12 noon and I’m writing to you from the comfort of my chaise lounge in the family room. I wanted to begin by telling you I was constipated for the last two weeks, however that’s not true any more as of 6:30 this morning and I’m feeling fine. So fuck it and let’s move on. (I don’t want to write about poo.)

Assorted hoo-hahs for Monday … and I finally got my extra extended release Morphine!

Happy Monday afternoon, people. I just finished a late lunch, I’m sipping a nice tall glass of Sparkling Ice Pomegranate Blueberry soda, Sam is asleep on the sofa and I’m watching Fast and Loose (1939) starring Robert Montgomery and Rosalind Russell. This is actually another rip-off of The Thin Man ... a husband-and-wife team of rare book dealers who occasionally solve crimes and get into jams with mobsters and/or the cops. It’s fun and fluffy but not especially compelling because nobody compares to Nick and Nora Charles.

All I want for Hanukkah is a portable oxygen tank and a cannula.

SATURDAY, 5/19/2018, 4:16 A.M. Yes, friends, I’ve been watching the royal wedding on NBC since 3:30 this morning! I’m such a sucker for anything that involves Britain’s royal family … weddings, babies, all those screwy hoo-hah celebrations for the Queen — her birthday, the anniversary of her coronation, the day she bought her first box of royal tampons, and so on — and today’s big event is no exception. At the moment I’m watching members of the royal family arrive at Windsor Castle for Harry and Meghan’s wedding. Oy, what a bunch of well-dressed yahoos with fabulous hats!

A new agony for my goddamn left foot.

SATURDAY, 9:17 A.M. Howdy, howdy, howdy! You’ll surely be pleased to know that I’ve had an above-average morning so far, including: 1) a nice bath with Sam’s able assistance; 2) an anticipated email from my Baylor HouseCalls nurse practitioner; and 3) a bowl of Pepperidge Farm cheddar goldfish.

I’m sure you’ll agree that 1954 was a major hoo-hah for William Holden’s career.

TUESDAY, 8:40 A.M. Happy Tuesday morning! It’s almost 8:45 a.m., the sun is going KABLOOEY all over the back yard (my view from the family room), and I’m waiting for my Baylor HouseCalls primary care physician to come over. This is a very big hoo-hah for me, and it’s also the first time I’m meeting Dr. Thompson! Plus ... this afternoon I’ll have another session with my physical therapist.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a teeny new prince!

There’s big news bubbling forth today from Buckingham Palace … the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a teeny new PRINCE! The royal bundle of adorableness, who’s fifth in line to the throne, weighed in at 8 pounds 7 ounces. However, since the Duke and Duchess probably don’t need any bibs, onesies or crib toys, please feel free to send your cash-only gifts directly to the Howdygram and we’ll forward them on to England at our convenience. Click here to request our mailing address. Thank you.

In 2010 a nationwide salmonella outbreak led to the recall of half a billion eggs. That’s a lot of poisoned omelets!

We’re making progress today! Apparently the nursing assistant at Baylor HouseCalls passed along my referral to Agape Home Healthcare yesterday afternoon, and Agape is already preparing to set up my first appointment for physical therapy. Since I got home from the hospital at the end of March my mobility has been positively wretched, deteriorating from a full-time cane to a full-time walker with a cane-holder bolted to the right side rail. The bottom line: I HAVE TO START WALKING AGAIN. I still haven’t been able to shlep from the family room to my desk in the study so I can get back to designing mugs and greeting cards for The Howdygram Store with my beautiful iMac computer and my fancy-ass Adobe software. It’s already been 24 days … I feel like my creativity is shriveling up. Jesus!

Every morning I announce to Sam that “Today’s the day!” … and then I realize there’s no fucking way I can do this.

FRIDAY, 11:24 P.M., 4/6/2018. Hi, boys and girls. Sam is unconscious on the sofa next to me and I’m enjoying the “Law and Order” marathon on Sundance. I love “Law and Order.” I never get tired of the stories, and the regular cast changed often enough to keep it all fresh. Personally, this might have been the best TV series ever, not counting “Downton Abbey” and “The Andy Griffith Show.” Thank you. End of rant.

And the good news is … I’ve finally recovered from last night’s marathon Poop-O-Rama!

THURSDAY, 7:15 P.M., 4/5/2018. I haven’t had a very good day. Actually, it’s been downright CRAPPY. My assorted crises have been, so far: 1) four episodes of an uncontrollable bladder; 2) one intestinal explosion of nuclear proportions; 3) a bleeding, wet rash on various parts of my body that are none of your business; and 4) severe chronic pain that includes a screaming baby toe on my left foot, burning on the bottoms of both heels, burning skin on the back of both thighs and agonizing arthritic knees. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’m clearly a “10” today … even with extra pain meds. It absolutely sucks. And it hasn’t been very easy on Sam, either.

My new MacBook Pro will be here today. Holy crap.

Show of hands! Does everybody love the Howdygram’s NEW LOOK? The biggest change — okay, the only change — is a new text color. I switched it from a neutral taupe to dusty blue, which is actually a lighter version of the color in our cowpoke mascot’s neck scarf. I continue to dick around with the Howdygram’s design features because: 1) I enjoy it; 2) it’s free; and 3) I don’t have anything else to do.

From what I can tell, about 65% of NBC’s televised prime-time Olympics coverage has been about snowboarding.

Hi-de-ho, people. It’s another cold, wet day in north Texas. We’ve got a full day of storms and heavy rain in the forecast … and the fun is expected to start around 10 a.m. (two hours from now) after Sam swings by our polling place to take care of his early voting responsibilities. (It’s the Democratic primary for the November election.)

A big Wal-Mart order, a visit from my HouseCalls medical team and our brand new feature, Let’s Learn Yiddish!

The stock market finally had an “up” day today — thank God! — so I’m feeling cheerful enough to suck* on an Atkins energy bar and write a quick Howdygram post. I’ll break the good financial news to Sam when he’s through with his afternoon nap.

Panda Express has really decent Chinese food to go.

I’m finally clawing my way back to life today after struggling through some harrowing events. I’ll describe them for you in the following subtitled paragraphs.

Getting hysterical about Republican shitheads could be detrimental to my overall well-being.

Wow. Good morning! It’s 10:25 a.m., Sam just got home from Wal-Mart with my Coumadin refill, and I’m finishing up a few last-minute Christmas card creations for The Howdygram Store. In case you’re interested, designing Christmas cards is far better than trying to digest the news from America’s dumpster fire in Congress. What the fuck is wrong with those people!?

We have something to celebrate today.

I have some amazing news. AMAZING. For a very long time I’ve been worried, off and on, about how I’d get some much-needed dental work when the time came. I haven’t been out of the house since 2011 due to health problems and mobility issues, and it was probably 2010 that last time I saw a dentist. He did impressions, made me an upper denture and referred me to a local oral surgeon, who extracted six teeth. The upper denture fit perfectly from day one and I never had a reason to go back.

Try my world-famous “Texas Caviar” recipe.

It’s 9:45 on an overcast Thursday morning. Welcome to November in Texas, people. Pleasant temperatures (today’s high will be 71°) but dreary. Sam is out taking a walk and I’m here in the study with the Howdygram and a bag of Chester’s cheese puffcorn. This is a nicer snack than Cheetos because Chester’s doesn’t turn your fingers orange. My only complaint: I order Chester’s Puffcorn online from Wal-Mart and they’re charging $2.75 for a bag that’s clearly marked “$2 only.” What the fuck! Are they KIDDING?

Happy birthday to me. Yee-haw.

Hi-de-ho, everybody. Here’s a Howdygram news bulletin for you.

I’m 66 years old today.

Know what? I’ve been expanding The Howdygram Store’s product line again.

Happy Tuesday, y’all. Sam is out for a walk around the lake and I’m here at home typing furiously … even though I’m not really furious about anything except the Manhattan orangutan in the White House. Also Congress.

Writing is my catharsis. So why the hell have I been avoiding it?

I don’t have the urge to write as often as I used to … and I absolutely HATE it when I don’t feel drawn to the Howdygram. I love the Howdygram. Writing is my catharsis, it’s therapeutic, and it always makes me happy.  Therefore if you can figure out why the hell I’ve been avoiding it, please send an email at your earliest convenience and let me know. Thank you. In the meantime I’ll try to do better, because writing one post a week is abysmal.