Yee-haw! We can flush as often as we want!

There is so much weird crap going on here right now I almost don’t know how to write this post. I’m thinking subtitled indented paragraphs with appropriate yet colorful illustrations might be in order. Thank you for your encouragement.

UNEXPECTED TWEAKS AND DESIGN MINUTIAE. Faced with a large span of free time Friday night I decided to redesign the Howdygram’s banner and sidebar titles with a seriously cute new “unicase” font — where upper- and lower-case letters are all the same size — called Crushed. (Please feel free to applaud.)

THE BENCH FROM HELL. Remember that gorgeous red leather bench I ordered from Lamps Plus a couple of weeks ago? It turned last night into Sam's Saturday from hell. According to the instructions you’re supposed to shove the legs into openings on the base of the seat and secure them with bolts, except the openings weren’t machined to fit the damn legs and there were no holes drilled for the damn bolts.

When I called Lamps Plus’ customer service line this morning I was schooled by a pit bull named Yolanda that I was the first customer in retail history who ever found a fault with this flawless piece of fine furniture (that’s sarcasm, people) and maybe we could figure out how to assemble it if she had somebody with brains read the directions to us over the phone. Fuck you, Yolanda. WE KNOW HOW TO READ. And even though Lamps Plus will pay for return shipping, because the carton fell apart when Sam opened it we’ll have to drag the damn thing to FedEx to get it repacked AT OUR OWN EXPENSE, which Sam expects will cost about twenty bucks. Very important lesson learned: I WILL NEVER SHOP ANYWHERE ELSE BUT AMAZON FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, whether it’s for canned tamales, cheap batteries or upholstered seating options. Period.

MAZEL TOV TO THE FERTILE ROYALS. Yee-haw from Texas! The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are the proud parents of a brand new eight-pounds-plus yet-to-be-named Baby Princess Cambridge with a pair of the cutest royal cheeks I’ve ever seen. Holy mackerel, people, I would gladly pay money to see her toes. I LOVE BABY TOES!

ANOTHER REPUBLICAN HILLBILLY JACKASS. Congratulations to Mike Huckabee, your everyday, run-of-the-mill, mentally ill right-wing Republican who’s positioning himself for a window seat in the 2016 GOP presidential clown car. Talking to a room full of Latin-American voters last Wednesday Huckabee said, “I do not come to you tonight with the ability to speak Spanish, but I do speak a common language. I speak Jesus.” Because all patriotic Americans should be bilingual in Jesus, right? Here’s the cover of Huckabee’s latest book in case you need a reason to vomit.

AN UPDATED KVETCH REPORT. My big surprise Friday health crisis [see post] came back to haunt me three times on Saturday and Sunday, too. This is a seriously shitty combination of medical issues — shortness of breath, burning nasal passages, nausea, a migraine headache and hot hands — that only shows up when I’m dead tired and trying to fall asleep on the chaise in the family room. Finally, though, I had a breakthrough on Saturday night. After lying on the chaise nauseated with a burning nose and a pounding migraine for more than an hour ALL I DID WAS SIT UP and my symptoms vanished like magic. Hallelujah, guys. A teeny little shred of good news for a change!

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In case you give a crap Sam and I have a hectic week ahead. Tomorrow at 10 a.m. a salesdude is coming over to have a conversation about rain gutters, I have a routine appointment with Dr. M on Thursday morning, our handyman Gary wants to come over to discuss an interior painting project that will commence as soon as we’re done remodeling the master bath and refacing our kitchen cabinets. (Probably around the end of June.)

We’re also expecting EIGHT CONSECUTIVE DAYS OF RAIN starting tomorrow! This is a really huge hoo-hah because the drought in north Texas is finally over. I saw a news story last week that the lakes and reservoirs here are full to capacity again, we can flush as often as we want and boats aren’t sitting in mud at the local marinas.

I think I’ll go back to bed for a while. Thank you for reading this.