The Howdygram 2: I’d hate to lose control of my nipples. I’m so fond of them!

I’ve got lots of stuff to tell you this afternoon, okay? It’s a few measly minutes after 3 p.m. and I just woke up from a long, long, long, long sleep. I just I asked Sam “how long” and his only reply was “L.O.N.G.” I’m guessing maybe 18 hours. My cannula is driving me crazy, the air jets hurt like hell, I can’t really remember the last time I saw daylight, and now we’re due for heavy rain for the next several days and it’s already dark as a dungeon outside. Blecch. I thought it was Monday but just realized I was wrong … it’s Tuesday! I have no recollection of Saturday or Sunday, either.

Maybe I’ll load up on some painkillers. Those always help. (Come to think of it, they may be responsible for this.)

Here are those “lots of stuff” whatnots that I promised to tell you … starting with delusions, tremors, visions, hallucinations, watery eyes and so on. This “end of life” hoo-hah is fucking lousy.

DELUSIONS, VISIONS, HALLUCINATIONS. I talk to myself and I talk to people who aren’t even here. I’ve been told by a hospice professional that it’s a common side effect in old women with incurable urinary tract infections. The brain is the first thing to go. (I’ll bet nipples are probably second, but I’d HATE to lose control of my nipples. I’m so fond of them!)

However, regarding the previous topic, if you could explain this sentence to me I would be eternally grateful: “Muely watering eyes from a weird setting on the bed remote.” Click here to send me an email. Thank you.

TREMORS IN MY HANDS AND FINGERS. This makes typing the Howdygram a freakish nightmare. If I look away — even for half a minute! — the screen fills up with the last letter I typed. Seriously! This afternoon it took me almost half an hour to delete about 1,500 rows of question marks. Jesus! Much of this is due to the fact that I can’t stop falling asleep.

WATERY EYES. I’ve been snorting Flo-Nase religiously for the past three weeks but nothing helps. I repeat again: Jesus!

DOUBLE VISION. It’s entirely possible that I probably need a whole new prescription for my eyeglasses, but at this point in my life — with maybe less than six months to live — there’s no point pursuing that. Not to mention the fact that I couldn’t sit up this time to even take a normal eye exam.

I’ve got a modest little list of free fonts for you today. Some definite cutie-pies (“Rachely,” “Alibabe,” “The Saily”), an interesting font that looks great on a chalkboard background (“School”), a layered font (“Plantanos”) and a few nice display fonts {“Farmhouse,” “Mangoland,” “Gabrielly” and “Gabrielly Script”). I’ll include download links after the font list.

Rachely • Alibabe • The Saily • School • Platanos • Farmhouse
Mangoland • Gabrielly & Gabrielly Script

I just wrapped up a marathon two-week upload to The Howdygram Store regarding designs for new mugs, new iPhone cases and new greeting cards. It was exhausting to the point that I was practically unable to do anything else … but I got everything accomplished at last! Here’s sampler of my latest mugs.

And here’s a sampler of my latest greeting cards … one get-well and a pair of happy birthdays. There are may others to choose from, of course.

To tell you the truth, boys and girls, I haven’t really made any major changes to the Howdygram’s features and layout … but I wanted to. It’s been a longtime desire to add color to my paragraph divider bars, which are currently black and one pixel thick, but Sam put the kibosh on that when I showed him what a two-pixel bar looked like in gold. And then in red, also. After striking out twice, however, I decided to keep the divider one pixel thick and black. I’ll provide samples below for your possible interest.

I did, however, finally make one feature change that you probably won’t notice unless I tell you. So I’ll tell you. Ready? THE SUBHEADS ARE TWO POINTS LARGER. I’ve bumped them up to 24 points (from 22) and I’m so much happier with this. They deserved more attention. I’m pleased to provide the following samples so you’ll know what the fuck I’m talking about.

I had a genuine PANIC ATTACK a few minutes ago when I started working on this post (a post that I actually began almost seven days ago). A warning window popped up on Blogger.com at the top of my screen to announce a terrifying change. Here’s what it said:

In late June, a new Blogger interface will become the default for all users. The legacy interface will still be optionally available. We recommend trying the new interface by clicking “Try the New Blogger” in the left-hand navigation. We’ll be moving everyone to the new interface over the coming months.

Starting in late June, many Blogger creators will see the new interface become their default, though they can revert to the old interface by clicking “Revert to legacy Blogger” in the left-hand navigation. By late July, creators will no longer be able to revert to the legacy Blogger interface.

Naturally, I interpreted the section beginning “Starting in late June” to mean Blogger will begin converting all creators — such as yours truly — to a new format WHETHER WE WANT IT OR NOT. In the meantime we can continue to use the old format, which I happen to love.

I’M TOO DAMN OLD FOR THIS CRAP. I don’t want to learn any stinking new interfaces, I don’t want to learn any stinking new software, and I don’t want to screw around with any stinking instructions, directions, specifications, details or mental calisthenics of any sort whatsoever.

Sam, fortunately, prevailed with a cooler head and told me not to jump the gun or get hysterical until there was actually something to get hysterical about. So that’s when I read that last sentence again and realized if I “revert to legacy Blogger” before late July, I’ll be able to keep the Blogger format I’ve been using since 2002. Holy shit. I don’t need panic attacks like this. EVERYBODY STOP IT!

One final thought before I end this post. Last night I had some severe delusions and halllucinations — i.e., giant crawling things on my bed — so Sam called the hospice and they had their pharmacy send over a powerful antipsychotic medication called Haloperidol. Unfortunately, after the first dose last might at bedtime I felt dizzy, mildly sick to my stomach, and promptly fell asleep. This morning I studied up on potential interactions with my other meds and decided to give up on Haloperidol immedately. My deadly interations include: Gabapentin, Lasix, Trazodone, Hydrocodone, Acetaminophen and Xanax. That’s six potentially deadly combinations.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … Jesus!

Thank you for reading this. And if you’d like to take a minute to remember the Alamo, I’ll thank you for that, too.