Thank God for prescription painkillers. Also braunschweiger.

Hi, people. It’s 5:45 in the morning and I’ve been awake since 4:30 due to feeling like crap. I have a screamy nerve in my right hip with pain radiating down the outside of my leg, my heels are killing me, I’m short of breath and every time I stand up I feel slightly sick to my stomach. It grieves me to report that Marcy’s Pain-O-Meter officially registers at level four right now, but THANK GOD FOR PRESCRIPTION PAINKILLERS. (Also braunschweiger.)

Guess who just bought a new desk lamp for Howdygram headquarters.

This has NOT been the best Sunday. A few key reasons follow for your possible interest.

Drugs are good.

Shalom, how’s the family and happy Saturday night from your pals at Howdygram headquarters! Sam is sleeping through Gandhi (1982) starring Ben Kingsley and a cast of billions and I’m trying to decide if I have enough energy or motivation to shlep myself back into the kitchen to reheat some leftover Chinese food from dinner. I’ve got a quart of hot & sour soup, crunchy things in little white bags, full containers of Hunan Shrimp and Orange Shrimp, two egg rolls rolled up in wax paper and a teeny cup of hot mustard. I’m definitely hungry right now, except it’s 2:15 a.m. and probably not the best time of day (night?) for a major food hoo-hah. Maybe I’ll save it all for breakfast instead and just enjoy a couple of sugar-free Russell Stover marshmallow Easter eggs.

Schock, Cruz and Pence. Let’s take a closer look at three forgettable Republicans.

It’s the wee hours of Saturday morning — shortly after 3 a.m., actually — and Sam is asleep. A few hours ago I promised you a jam-packed political Howdygram post, so glorioski and pass the popcorn ... THIS IS IT! I’ll use convenient subheads to help move the action along, okay?

I can hardly wait to start metering my own clots right here at Howdygram headquarters.

Although you weren’t here to see me feeling extremely miserable on Wednesday and Thursday, I’m pleased to make the following Friday announcement:

I do not feel like crap today.

If you want nice things in Missouri, try not to be poor.

It’s 7:20 a.m., Sam is still asleep, and I’m at my desk in the study waiting for a hydrocodone pill to kick in. These things are pretty damn awesome, but I have to admit that it’s not easy to write Howdygram posts when I’m totally wasted. I sat down to write several times yesterday and just couldn’t get anything off the ground. Today, lucky for you, I’M STARTING EARLY!

Learn how to play your Helpless Senior Citizen In A Wheelchair card.

I have no idea whether or not I’ll be able to write this Howdygram post. I’m desperate for a nap but after two unsucccessful attempts on the chaise in the family room due to that “screaming nerve” in my right hip and thigh I’m afraid I might be destined to sit here like a brain-dead lump of pasta, nodding off at seven-minute intervals with my wireless mouse leaping to its death on the floor. This is AWFUL, people.

The Canadian-born spawn of Cuban immigrants has announced his candidacy for President of the United States.

You should never EVER take hydrocodone on an empty stomach — either accidentally or on purpose — and here’s why: 1) within 30 minutes you’ll feel like throwing up; 2) you will continue to feel like throwing up for the next six hours; and then 3) you’ll want to die.

Free shipping is nothing at which to sneeze.

So what’s the big Sunday morning scoop from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters? LAST NIGHT I ORDERED A NEW PAIR OF SHOES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MORE THAN FOUR YEARS not counting the memory foam slippers I bought for Hanukkah from FootSmart. I decided to order these pleasant, lightweight mesh slip-on things (pictured below) because even though I travel everywhere now by wheelchair I still have to put something seasonally-appropriate on my feet so people won’t point and stare. Plus they were 40% off with free shipping, and free shipping is nothing at which to sneeze.

Home-delivered Buffalo wings are a very big hoo-hah indeed.

I was just jolted awake from a really nice Saturday afternoon nap on the chaise in the family room even though I’m still really tired. This has been happening to me almost every day for the last few weeks. It seems that I’ve got a “dying” nerve in my right hip — an issue that’s related to diabetic peripheral neuropathy — and it radiates down the outside of my thigh AND HURTS LIKE HELL. The pain starts about 90 minutes into my nap and wakes me up almost immediately like getting slapped across the face. Sometimes it goes away if I shift positions a little, but usually I just have to wake up and get my ass off the chaise. Holy shit, right? NOW IT EVEN HURTS TO TAKE A NAP.

Has Mitch McConnell started a right wing coup d’état?

Show of hands. Have you ever visited any of the Howdygram-approved “Let’s Go Shopping” websites listed in the right sidebar? If you haven’t, WHY THE HELL NOT?! Some of them are truly swell, especially the first one — FragranceShop.com — where you can buy thousands of name-brand perfumes REALLY REALLY CHEAP. And you should also check out their roll-on knockoff designer fragrance oils because the quality is outstanding. I’ve been buying these things for years and keep four or five in a little empty AA battery box in my desk in the study just for the hell of it. Anyway, this morning in a sudden fit of wanting to smell gorgeous I ordered myself all of the following fragrances in the large 3.4-ounce bottles.

You’ll have to settle for smelling like Justin Bieber instead.

Howdy, shalom and how’s the family from our house to yours! It’s a nice, quiet Friday morning here with no remarkable weather, no breaking news, no immediate health issues and no socks to fold. As a matter of fact, the only activity on my agenda is refilling my pill organizer for the week ahead, which involves 10 different prescriptions taken multiple times a day. Trust me, guys, this is a major hoo-hah. And I also inject insulin a shitload of insulin.

Senior citizens love to smell like serene waterlilies.

I think I need another nap before I write this Howdygram post because I’m a little too loopy from my last pile of pills to make any sense. I did, however, manage to place a Prime Pantry order with Amazon: several kinds of crunchy things in bags; four bottles of Nivea body wash in their Serenity and Waterlily fragrances; and four eight-packs of Coke Zero in teeny 12-ounce bottles (for the mini fridge in the study).

Rain is good. (Heavy rain is even better.)

Hi. It’s me, your favorite elderly Internet companion! I woke up about 45 minutes ago for my regular senior citizen middle-of-the-night bathroom adventure and decided to hang out online for a while and buy things, starting with a whole new spring wardrobe from Woman Within consisting of four very nice knit loungers — two with snaps, two without — in pleasant spring colors. There’s no point buying any actual clothes because I’m an old person with mobility issues and almost never leave the house. (I don’t buy shoes, either.)

Closeted Congressman Aaron Schock has partied himself out of a job.

While I sit here pondering dinner — always a worthwhile late-afternoon activity at Howdygram headquarters — I thought it might be fun to share our latest Putz of the Week because the story is a classic, shining example of Republican stupidity. Meet Congressman Aaron Schock of Illinois, who resigned yesterday due to severe over-exposure. And we’re not just talking about his NIPPLES.

Welcome to another busy day in the Twilight Zone.

Yesterday I survived two medical appointments in two different locations on the same day. While you ponder what kind of present you should send me for an occasion of this magnitude I’ll provide a brief update on the status of my health. Because if you didn’t give a crap you wouldn’t be reading this post. Right?

I almost forgot. Today is St. Patrick’s Day.

Oy, shoot me. I actually forgot that today is St. Patrick’s Day. This is an easy oversight here in Texas because nobody’s Irish, but I grew up in Chicago and in Chicago EVERYBODY’S IRISH ON ST. PATRICK’S DAY including nice Jewish girls from the northern suburbs like yours truly.

Life doesn’t always hand you breakfast biscuits.

It’s 5:30 in the morning and I’m feeling WHINY today. I woke up with low blood sugar but didn’t know it at the time, so like an idiot I decide wouldn’t it feel great to enjoy a big rush of hot water and some nice-smelling soap. By the time I finally realize what’s going on, however, I’m sitting in the shower feeling whacked-out, blurry, wobbly and nuts. (These are all legitimate medical symptoms of hypoglycemia.)

Without Amazon I never would have known the joy of a canned meat subscription.

It’s good to be back with you this afternoon! I just woke up from the World’s Shortest Unexplained Nap — less than 35 stinking minutes — due to a crazy dream that MY INTESTINES WERE READY TO EXPLODE and I had get to a bathroom as fast as possible. Fortunately I made it to the bathroom, my intestines DID NOT explode, so now I’m parked at my desk with a nice little bottle of ice cold Coke Zero while I wait for a burst of bloggular creativity. If all else fails I’ve decided to shoot for another nap after my next dose of hardcore narcotics at 4 p.m. Thank you.

Baylor Family Health Center in Mesquite has the nicest phlebotomists in Texas.

Good morning! I’ve been up since 4:45 not doing anything interesting and finally decided to write a Howdygram post because I figure you might be bored, too. So in case you are, this one’s for you!

Beware the Ides of March, y’all.

Know what? As a retired website designer I get an overwhelming urge to tweak the Howdygram at least once a month. For instance, my favorite and most frequent design adjustment involves dicking around with the TYPE COLOR, which is typically between 70% and 80% black. (To the non-designers among you, these numbers refer to shades of dark gray.) For the last several weeks the type color has been steady at a lovely shade of 75%, but this morning, after investing the better part of two hours experimenting with a slightly lighter shade, I finally decided to get REALLY REALLY RADICAL and drop all the way down to 60% and then I changed my post signature to BLACK. Holy shit. This is what hydrocodone can do to you! I’M LIVING THE WILD LIFE NOW!

Everything’s bigger in Texas. (Including the bullshit.)

What does a wide awake senior citizen with shitty knees and feet do for fun at 5 a.m. on Saturday morning? I MAKE LISTS OF THINGS TO DO. Today these include: 1) excursions for Sam to Costco and Tom Thumb as we’ve apparently run out of groceries; 2) do a shitload of laundry; 3) do a post office mail drop drive-by; 4) clean out the freezer; and 5) telephone assorted friends, acquaintances and siblings. Of all of these I’m probably mostly intrigued and sexually aroused by number 4. Our freezer is packed with fantastic crap from Schwan’s except I don’t remember what I bought, when I bought it or where the hell Sam put it. So it will be BIG FUN today to zero in on all of the following tasty whatnots, wherever they may be. Is this gorgeous, or what? COME ON OVER AND EAT THINGS WITH ME!

I am not a spammer, you jerk. I am a senior citizen.

I don’t get it. Have you ever had one of those days when you just have to whine about EVERYTHING? About an hour ago I decided to lie down on the chaise in the family room due to being really ripped from my last dose of hydrocodone but within 30 minutes I’M WIDE AWAKE AND CRYING for all of the following reasons.

Today is Friday the 13th for the second month in a row.

Good morning to you and yours! I’m well-drugged, exceptionally happy and itching to write a nice juicy Howdygram post while I wait for Sam to wake up. Today is Friday the 13th ... FOR THE SECOND MONTH IN A ROW! I doubt if there’s any significance to this whatsoever unless you’re one of the 47 treasonous Republican senators who attempted to sabotage President Obama by writing a poison pen letter full of reckless, jaw-dropping bullshit directly to the foreign minister of Iran. For them, and from this day forward, EVERY day will be Friday the 13th as they face increasing national outrage for being a gang of bitter, immature shitbags.

Texas State Representative Jonathan Stickland is a former fetus and our latest Putz of the Week.

Good morning, dear readers, and welcome to Thursday morning at Howdygram headquarters! It’s 5:03 a.m. and I woke up about 15 minutes ago ... just in time for my middle-of-the-night dose of hard drugs. You know, hydrocodone. This stuff makes me feel so much better — i.e., NO MORE CHRONIC PAIN — that I almost can’t find the words to describe how happy, doped-out and anesthetized I am. This is definitely terrific shit, man.

Shocking news from Howdygram headquarters.

Prepare yourself for an earth-shaking announcement, people: I’VE LOST MY TASTE FOR SUGAR-FREE RUSSELL STOVER MARSHMALLOW EASTER EGGS. I think maybe I overdid the marshmallow Santa thing at Christmas because right now I’ve got a case of Easter eggs sitting on my desk and can’t even get inspired to open the damn box. (I’m renewing my interest in cookies.)

Governor Jindal of Louisiana wants the world to know he’s the Senate’s Honorary 48th Traitor.

Hello from my house to yours. We’re having a pukey, heavily overcast day here in north Texas and I haven’t felt much like doing ANYTHING today. Sam took me to the doctor this morning for my Coumadin blood test (details follow) and then we came straight home for the world’s fastest lunch and a nap. I can’t even remember what the hell I ate. My fork was a blur.

I love Queen Elizabeth.

Those of you who read the Howdygram regularly know that I love the British royal family. But while each of them is an immaculate, well-dressed rich person in his or her own unique way, my favorite royal by far is THE QUEEN. Here, from the pages of Vogue, is a one-year journey through the color spectrum in Her Majesty’s wardrobe ... and it’s just about the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. I LOVE THIS WOMAN. I love her coats, I love her hats, I love her lumpy little legs, her corrective shoes and her little black handbag. She always looks happy, colorful and comfortable. And she must have the biggest goddamn closet on the face of the earth.

I’ve been asleep practically nonstop for the last 13 hours.

Here’s some late-breaking news from our Marcy’s Secret Recipe For A Seriously Boring Sunday department: I’VE BEEN ASLEEP PRACTICALLY NONSTOP FOR THE LAST 13 HOURS not counting two brief trips to the bathroom, two breaks for assorted pills and two handfuls of Lay’s sour cream & onion potato chips. In addition, Sam tells me I successfully slept through a series of fine films that included The French Connection (1972) starring Gene Hackman in an irritating hat, Revenge of the Nerds (1984) starring Robert Carradine and Anthony Edwards, Angels in the Outfield (1951) starring Paul Douglas and Janet Leigh and Big City Blues (1932) starring Joan Blondell and Guy Kibbee. Holy crap.

Meet Justin Harris, the Arkansas state representative who regifted his adopted daughters to a rapist.

I’m wide awake. It’s 5 a.m. Sunday morning and I just got out of the shower, believe it or not. This is what happens when you sleep through several movies on Saturday night and then Daylight Savings Time kicks in. All of a sudden 2 a.m. turns into 3 a.m. and you realize the rest of the night is shot to hell so why not write a Howdygram post.

Diabetes stinks.

It’s 6 a.m. Saturday morning and I think we should talk about diabetes for a few minutes, okay? The problem is, I’ve been having TWILIGHT ZONE LOW BLOOD SUGAR for the last couple of days ... sort of nonstop unexplained hypoglycemia even after eating carby food that’s supposed to do the exact OPPOSITE. For instance, at lunch time yesterday I injected the correct dose of insulin and ate a plate of really nice teeny tacos from Costco; two hours later my blood sugar tested at 42 — well within the medically-accepted HOLY-SHIT-THERE’S-A-CHANCE-A-PERSON-COULD-DIE-FROM-THIS range — and scared the living crap out of me due to there’s no way I should be on the verge of a diabetic coma after eating a pile of tacos! My blood sugar should be around 130, not 42. Just when I think I’ve finally started to understand the physiology of insulin and carbohydrates, something stupid like THIS comes along and fucks me up. DIABETES STINKS.

At 4 a.m. I’m too lazy to drag my ass into the kitchen for braunschweiger or a dinner roll.

Good morning from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters, where your favorite blogger (i.e., me) is still awake at 3:49 a.m. and busy noshing on Russell Stover sugar-free “chocolate cake truffles” that taste like mucilage. Trouble is, I’m hungry, my blood sugar is only 68 and I’m too lazy to shlep into the kitchen for real food. So bullshit glue truffles are my only valid option. Holy crap, am I right?

The Dallas/Fort Worth metro area has two snowplows, no road salt and an abundance of lunatic drivers in pickup trucks.

DATELINE MESQUITE — 3:15 A.M. Yup, it’s nasty outside tonight just like everybody predicted. Yesterday we had a whole day of substantial cold rain followed by an evening of substantial ice, substantial wind, sunbstantial sleet and repulsive little substantial slush pellets, and now — glorioski — IT’S SNOWING HERE. The blue shit on the following map denotes snow, pink denotes ice, and the teeny red star denotes Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in you’ll see Sam asleep in the family room watching an Ann Sothern movie and I’m in the study enjoying a Marcytini and a sugar-free Russell Stover marshmallow Easter egg. L’chaim, yall. I’m going to bed as soon as I finish my classy late-night snack. There’s nothing quite like a marshmallow Easter egg.

Sam will probably work from home again today. I love it when he works from home.

We’ve got a real smorgasbord of shit weather in the forecast today, starting with ZERO VISIBILITY FOG (right now through 7 a.m.) followed by SHOWERS (6 through 9 a.m.), HEAVY RAIN WITH A HIGH TEMPERATURE OF 54° (all damn day until 3 p.m.), HEAVY RAIN AND WIND WITH FALLING TEMPERATURES (3 until 6 p.m.) and then an entire night of SLEET, WIND, FREEZING RAIN, OBNOXIOUS LITTLE ICE PELLETS AND SNOW. The overnight low will eventually dip to 25°. The only plus is that Sam will probably work from home again today and I love it when he works from home! The following Pete Delkus screen grab provides all the information you will ever need for any reason whatsoever. The teeny red star denotes Howdygram headquarters.

I refuse to leave the house and you can’t make me.

You may not realize that once in a while I do an amazing disappearing act. I’m especially good at it on Tuesday mornings — like TODAY, for instance — when it’s 43° outside with dense fog, our Internet service is down and I have a 9:15 appointment at the clinic for a Coumadin blood test. The point is, after spending the better part of an hour on the phone with AT&T tech support rebooting our goddamn modem I REFUSE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME. Also, I’m in no mood to wear a brassiere.

We’re commemorating the first anniversary of our Lowe’s water heater.

It’s 3:30 Monday morning as I write this post. Sam is in bed, I’m enjoying a teeny bottle of Coke Zero from the mini fridge here in the study and there’s a large band of ice cold rain passing across north Texas. In case you’re interested, my agenda for the coming week includes all of the following activities: 1) deciding whether or not to order corn dogs from Schwan’s on Wednesday; 2) rescheduling last week’s Coumadin blood test because the clinic was closed for several days due to the parking lot being a sheet of ice and they didn’t wany anybody breaking their neck; 3) making birthday cards for a few relatives; and 4) commemorating the first anniversary of our new Lowe’s water heater. This will involve party hats, cupcakes, a tray of sandwiches from Costco and flushing the tank in case there’s any sediment.

I love drugs.

Happy Sunday, people. Here at Howdygram headquarters we’re having a cold, drizzly, foggy, shitty start to the month of March. The weather is so repulsive, in fact, that on days like this I’m perfectly content to be a housebound senior citizen with crippled knees and a lot of stretchy bathrobes. At the moment Sam is puttering in the garage and I’m enjoying a substantial buzz from my latest load of narcotics. I LOVE DRUGS. I’m currently basking in the afterglow of two blood pressure medications and a medium-sized dose of hydrocodone.