Thank God for prescription painkillers. Also braunschweiger.

Hi, people. It’s 5:45 in the morning and I’ve been awake since 4:30 due to feeling like crap. I have a screamy nerve in my right hip with pain radiating down the outside of my leg, my heels are killing me, I’m short of breath and every time I stand up I feel slightly sick to my stomach. It grieves me to report that Marcy’s Pain-O-Meter officially registers at level four right now, but THANK GOD FOR PRESCRIPTION PAINKILLERS. (Also braunschweiger.)

I am determined to feel better as soon as possible with a generous helping of hardcore narcotics so please stay tuned for an update. Thank you.

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And now for the latest scoop from our This Is So Fucking Awesome department! I would like to share the following adorable photos from a 2015 fundraising calendar produced by the party chicks at Pleasant Pointe Assisted Living in Barberton, Ohio. These women are so damn cute I almost wet my Depends! (Check out the baby blue nail polish on Miss March.)

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I think a nap might help right now. Try to keep the noise down, okay?