If you want nice things in Missouri, try not to be poor.

It’s 7:20 a.m., Sam is still asleep, and I’m at my desk in the study waiting for a hydrocodone pill to kick in. These things are pretty damn awesome, but I have to admit that it’s not easy to write Howdygram posts when I’m totally wasted. I sat down to write several times yesterday and just couldn’t get anything off the ground. Today, lucky for you, I’M STARTING EARLY!

So what’s the big news of the day from Howdygram headquarters? A NEW MEDICAL TOY FOR MARCY! First, however, a little history. You might remember that I was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation back in January [see post] and I’ll be taking meds to slow my heart rate (Metoprolol) and thin my blood (Coumadin) for the rest of my life so I won’t have a stroke and scare the shit out of Sam. Unfortunately, Coumadin requires frequent blood tests to make sure clotting stays within an acceptable range, and up until now I’ve had to shlep back and forth to Dr. M’s lab on a weekly basis for a stupid 10-second fingerstick test, which is a major nuisance for a housebound senior citizen with mobility issues who sincerely hopes nobody at the clinic notices she hasn’t worn a brassiere.

But glorioski ... yesterday Dr. M gave me her approval TO DO MY OWN COUMADIN TESTING AT HOME and sent a prescription over to Wal-Mart for a CoaguChek XS meter from Roche, a little can of test strips and a bag of lancets. Holy crap, THIS IS SO SWELL I MIGHT HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. 

The only unknown right now is how much Blue Cross will cover and what my co-pay will be, a situation that I’ll remedy about an hour from now when Wal-Mart’s pharmacy opens and I can find out the status of my order. The full retail price of a CoaguChek XS online is $1,295 but I see the meter brand new on Amazon and eBay for about $775. I’m guessing my co-pay will be higher than that. And if it is, I’ll buy my CoaguChek XS wherever I get the best price. In the meantime ... if you’re as fascinated by this horseshit as I am I’m sure you’ll enjoy the following instructional video. Feel free to share it with your friends and relatives.

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Hey. I’ve got a Putz of the Week for you today! Meet Missouri state representative Rick Brattin, a thirtysomething Republican dickhead who wants to pass a law preventing poors on food stamps from depleting the state’s supply of lobster and crab legs.

Last year Brattin made news for a bill that would require sluts ladies wanting ’bortions to get signed permission slips from the men that made them pregnant. If it was genuine rape and you could actually prove it, then there would be an authorized exception from the decent white men in Missouri’s legislature! NO WORRIES!

Brattin is also a proponent of the completely pointless bullshit effort to require welfare recipients to have drug tests.

Which brings us to today! Brattin has decided that, in addition to making sure all the poors aren’t on drugs, we should also make sure they can’t get their grubby paws on “luxury” food like any kind of fish, because God forbid they should eat something besides ramen noodles and Cheez Whiz. FISH IS FOR RICH PEOPLE.

There’s definitely something inherently twisted in Rick Brattin’s House Bill 813, which would bar Missouri’s 930,000 food-stamp recipients from using their government food allowance to buy seafood. (The bill also bans energy drinks, soda, cookies, chips and steak.) It’s difficult to know if Republicans really think government should have the power tell its citizens what they’re not allowed to eat, because it’s clearly tyranny when Michelle Obama does it. Banning fish and steak obviously from the desire to make sure poors never have nice things. IF YOU WANT NICE THINGS, TRY NOT TO BE POOR!

The point is, Rick Brattin and his Republican partners in crime don’t actually give a shit about whether food is healthy or not ... they’re just being fucking dicks. Apparently conservatives really do believe their own garbage about how poor people are all living like Kardashians, calling everybody on their free Obamaphones to brag about all the great free shit they’re getting from the government, while white middle-class patriots have to work hard just to survive. We understand that Republicans get votes by seeding this narrative to their idiot constituents, but it’s really sad that state-level assholes like Brattin actually seem to believe it.

Thank you, as always, for reading this.