The Canadian-born spawn of Cuban immigrants has announced his candidacy for President of the United States.

You should never EVER take hydrocodone on an empty stomach — either accidentally or on purpose — and here’s why: 1) within 30 minutes you’ll feel like throwing up; 2) you will continue to feel like throwing up for the next six hours; and then 3) you’ll want to die.

All of this actually happened to me a couple of days ago by accident AND MIGHT BE HAPPENING AGAIN RIGHT NOW as I write this post, because about an hour ago I was due for a hydrocodone pill along with my regular bedtime prescription meds but was too distracted online at uFonts.com downloading an additional pile of free fonts from the Neutra Text family (pictured below) to bother taking the aforementioned pills with a sugar-free Russell Stover marshmallow Easter egg or a tasty Glucerna vanilla shake for people with diabetes.

I am mighty despondent right now, people. Even though I love my new fonts I definitely don’t want to spend the next six hours dry heaving into my fancy-schmancy $65 Croscill faux bronze-finish decorative waste basket. (I used to have the matching soap pump but it broke.)

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It’s official! Senator Turd Cruz of Texas — the Canadian-born spawn of pro-Castro Cuban immigrants — has announced his candidacy for President of the United States. (This almost sounds like a lede sentence from The Onion.) Fortunately for America, Cruz hasn’t got a chance. Even Republicans can’t stand him.

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It’s 4 a.m. and I have to lie down now. Thank you for putting up with me.