Rain is good. (Heavy rain is even better.)

Hi. It’s me, your favorite elderly Internet companion! I woke up about 45 minutes ago for my regular senior citizen middle-of-the-night bathroom adventure and decided to hang out online for a while and buy things, starting with a whole new spring wardrobe from Woman Within consisting of four very nice knit loungers — two with snaps, two without — in pleasant spring colors. There’s no point buying any actual clothes because I’m an old person with mobility issues and almost never leave the house. (I don’t buy shoes, either.)

I also ordered some elegant replacement pieces for Howdygram headquarters’ Wal-Mart dinnerware collection because Sam and I frequently dine in the family room watching Myrna Loy movies and there’s no such thing as too many foam plates. We highly recommend these for damn near EVERYTHING except soup.

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Anything exciting on your agenda for Thursday, March 19? I’m expecting a jam-packed day of activities that will include all of the following:

1. WEATHER. We’ve got thunderstorms in the forecast from 4 p.m. this afternoon until 3 a.m. Friday followed by several hours of heavy yet ordinary rain. Rain is good. (Heavy rain is even better.)
2. FOOD. I’m counting on two or three Jimmy Dean breakfast biscuits. In case you give a crap, Schwan’s breakfast biscuits are bigger, fluffier and altogether better than Jimmy Dean, but we have both kinds in the freezer right now and I promised Sam I’d be a good sport and finish the Jimmy Dean biscuits first. I’d also like to make myself a pot of Easy Beef Vegetable Soup for Senior Citizens [see recipe].
3. DRUGS. Sam has to pick up my hydrocodone refill this morning because I NEED MY HARDCORE NARCOTICS. No kidding, this shit is absolutely terrific.
4. NAPS. Preferably on the chaise in the family room. My unofficial goal is as many as possible during those (rare) times when I’m not eating.

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There’s also a flock of fine films on cable today, people. The Howdygram suggests that you record all of the following:

How to Steal a Million (1966) starring Audrey Hepburn and Peter O’Toole
The Iron Petticoat (1956) starring Katharine Hepburn and Bob Hope
The Cyclops (1957) starring James Craig, Tom Drake and Lon Chaney, Jr.
Attack of the Puppet People (1958) starring John Agar
The Magic Sword (1962) starring Basic Rathbone and Gary Lockwood
Village of the Giants (1965) starring Tommy Kirk and Beau Bridges

And now ... it’s time for a nice hot shower, a handful of pills and my first nap of the day! Shalom to you and yours and don’t forget to floss.