I love drugs.

Happy Sunday, people. Here at Howdygram headquarters we’re having a cold, drizzly, foggy, shitty start to the month of March. The weather is so repulsive, in fact, that on days like this I’m perfectly content to be a housebound senior citizen with crippled knees and a lot of stretchy bathrobes. At the moment Sam is puttering in the garage and I’m enjoying a substantial buzz from my latest load of narcotics. I LOVE DRUGS. I’m currently basking in the afterglow of two blood pressure medications and a medium-sized dose of hydrocodone.

To celebrate nothing in particular I decided last night that it’s time to spruce up the master bathroom just for the hell of it, so I ordered some very nice cranberry red Ralph Lauren bath towels — ON SALE AND SURPRISINGLY CHEAP — from Macy’s. These will replace the overpriced monogrammed fern green towels I bought five years ago from The Company Store that faded in the laundry and have stupid gold splotches on them.

I also bought (on sale) a fluffy and pleasant neutral “antique linen” color Martha Stewart bath rug — 20" x 32" — pictured below, even though I personally can’t stand Martha Stewart, for right in front of the shower to absorb my wet feet with a latex back so I won’t kill myself. I will never understand why anybody buys reversible bath rugs. The damn things slide all over the room and you could break your neck, especially if you’re an older human being like yours truly with a cane and zero agility.

Play nice today, okay?