Free shipping is nothing at which to sneeze.

So what’s the big Sunday morning scoop from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters? LAST NIGHT I ORDERED A NEW PAIR OF SHOES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MORE THAN FOUR YEARS not counting the memory foam slippers I bought for Hanukkah from FootSmart. I decided to order these pleasant, lightweight mesh slip-on things (pictured below) because even though I travel everywhere now by wheelchair I still have to put something seasonally-appropriate on my feet so people won’t point and stare. Plus they were 40% off with free shipping, and free shipping is nothing at which to sneeze.

As soon as I receive my new beigey wheelchair shoes from Woman Within I will officially retire my black suede clogs until fall.

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Sam and I just cleaned out our freezer, a project we’d been planning for the last several weeks due to an overabundance of excellent (expensive) whatnots from Schwan’s that are always hiding on a mystery shelf. I, for one, am happy as hell to announce that WE FINALLY DID IT AND THE RESULTS ARE FUCKING INCREDIBLE. But don’t take my word for it; I’m pleased to post the following proof for your possible interest.

Please note that we found all the missing whatnots we’d been looking for plus several we didn’t even know we had, such as three very old cheese omelets, a petrified mini turkey pot pie and a one-fourth of a bag of ice-crusted dried-out shrimp (at least I think they were shrimp) that were transferred immediately into the garbage.

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And speaking of garbage ... tomorrow Senator Turd Cruz, the Canadian-born Tea Party shitbag from Texas, will announce his official candidacy for the 2016 Republican clown car and begin campaigning for President of the United States.

This is the same showboating asshole who tried to shut down the U.S. government, filibustered in Congress reading Dr. Seuss’ “Green Eggs and Ham,” still thinks he can dismantle the Affordable Care Act and wants to shutter the IRS, Social Security and Medicare. Plus he always looks like he’s trying to pass a fart. Nobody gets elected to national office with a face like THAT. He also denies that humans are contributing to climate change, calls same-sex marriage “tragic and indefensible,” worries about Sharia law in America, claims that contraception is the same as abortion and believes the United Nations wants to outlaw golf courses.

His father is THIS asswipe, a right-wing pastor who travels the United States preaching a made-up gospel of hate and idiotic conspiracy theories that focuses on killing gays and sending Barack Obama back to Kenya.

Need examples? In April 2013 the pastor spoke to a Tea Party group warning about “death panels” under Obamacare and said the federal government wants to “confiscate our fortunes.” What the fuck?! Then he went on to lie about Obama’s record on abortion. “Do you realize,” he asked, “the first bill President Obama signed into law was to legalize third trimester abortions?” The first law Obama signed was the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act. But why irritate your audience with FACTS?

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Oy, I promised myself NO POLITICS TODAY but I just couldn’t do it. We’re surrounded by these clowns everywhere we go. Maybe I should haul my carcass to the family room, make a bag of Pop Secret and watch The Court Jester (1955) starring Danny Kaye.

This is one of our ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIES due to cute songs, exquisite costumes, Danny Kaye being adorable and unforgettable scenes like Danny’s swordfight with Basil Rathbone and (of course) Mildred Natwick’s classic scene: The pellet with the poison’s in the vessel with the pestle; the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true!

I hope it’s spring where you are because Texas was gorgeous today. Thank you for reading this.