Dumbass McBullethead doesn’t have enough dough to fill his car with gas.

Happy Wednesday morning from your pals at the Howdygram. After a thoroughly forgettable Day of Fever, Nausea, Joint Pain, the Hangnail from Hell and General Sickness all day yesterday I’m pleased to report that I feel substantially better today even though it’s only 9 a.m. and you never can tell what could go wrong by lunch-time. (No, I’m not an optimist. Deal with it.)

Go make yourself a cheese sandwich.

Shalom, happy Saturday, what’s new and how’s the family from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! I’ve got a shitload of exciting topics and snide remarks to share with y’all today, so go make yourself a cheese sandwich and let’s get started.

Glue Dots are the best invention ever invented in the history of inventing things.

Happy Independence Day, y’all, from Howdygram headquarters in the great state of Texas! Sam and I are celebrating today with our little family’s favorite holiday traditions: Myrna Loy movies, an afternoon nap, hot dogs from Five Guys and picking up prescriptions at Wal-Mart before they get pissed off and put them back into stock. Oh boy! GOD BLESS AMERICA!

With any luck maybe we’ll get to see Interpol drag Lindsay Lohan’s sorry ass back to the U.S. in shackles.

Yo from Howdygram headquarters the land of Oz, where once again we’re facing SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNINGS, a TORNADO WATCH and a 70% chance of exploding clouds, hailstones and flying monkeys. We’re in store for more of the same tomorrow, too — on Mother’s Day! — and also most of next week, as you’ll see for yourself on the Weather.com screen shot posted below. This is epitome of a holy crap weather forecast.

We have a twister watch with basketball-size hail and a 70% chance of flying monkeys.

Hi, guys. It’s already Sunday night and I’ve been trying, in one way or another, to write this Howdygram post since sometime before breakfast. I’m not exactly sure what’s been holding me back aside from disinterest, lack of motivation, running out of ideas and a powerful proclivity for naps. In any event, here I am at last. All yours!

The fine citizens of Texas treasure every opportunity to flush our toilets, rinse our dishes and launder our socks.

Good morning, everybody. The time at the tone — BOINNNG! — will be 6:30 a.m. and all’s well here at Howdygram headquarters. We’re expecting a high today of 85° but no rain until Sunday, at which time several consecutive days of rain and thunderstorms are in the forecast ... providing the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com aren’t making it up to look important.

Thank God for prescription painkillers. Also braunschweiger.

Hi, people. It’s 5:45 in the morning and I’ve been awake since 4:30 due to feeling like crap. I have a screamy nerve in my right hip with pain radiating down the outside of my leg, my heels are killing me, I’m short of breath and every time I stand up I feel slightly sick to my stomach. It grieves me to report that Marcy’s Pain-O-Meter officially registers at level four right now, but THANK GOD FOR PRESCRIPTION PAINKILLERS. (Also braunschweiger.)