The best meal in town … cheese blintzes and pickled beets.

Greetings, salutations and a big fat happy Monday from Howdygram headquarters! Sam is at Tom Thumb stocking up on a variety of our favorite frozen Jewish delicacies … POTATO PANCAKES AND BLINTZES! He’s also buying sour cream (for the aforementioned potato pancakes and blintzes) and two cans of pickled beets. (I love pickled beets.) The Tom Thumb supermarket in north Dallas is the only spot in town to buy Kosher products. They even have a completely Kosher deli where you can stock up on corned beef, pastrami, chopped liver, etc., and a Kosher bakery with fresh bagels, rolls, Jewish rye and challah. Of course, the bread and rolls won’t be available this week due to everybody’s in the middle of Passover — and busy stuffing themselves with matzo — until April 7. Oy vey.

The 2016 Republican clown car lives on.

Good Saturday evening to you and yours from the shocked yet delighted editrix of your all-time favorite blog — i.e., the Howdygram — because I’m still COMPLETELY PAIN-FREE for the third consecutive day! I can hardly believe it, people. I’ve been increasing my daily dose of Gabapentin for the last couple of weeks and finally found the “magic number.” When I take 2700 mg a day my neuropathy pain FUCKING DISAPPEARS. (That’s 900 mg three times a day, for those of you who might give a shit.) My feet feel normal, my toes and heels stopped screaming, and the intense pain from burning skin on the back of both thighs is about 95% gone. Gone!

I want to know why nobody has thrown a few bricks at Trump’s head.

It’s 5:45 a.m. and there’s huge news this morning from Howdygram headquarters: MY LEFT FOOT DOESN’T HURT. Not my heel, not my baby toe ... nothing. The relief is so damn shocking and unexpected that I don’t know what to do with myself! Maybe I can finally stop taking extra pain pills and get back to a normal sleeping schedule in bed with Sam as opposed to sleeping on the chaise in the family room with William Powell movies. My life has been weird for a very, very long time.

National Pi Day. A chance to celebrate everybody’s favorite dessert and a boring mathematical constant.

Yee-haw and pass the lemonade ... IT’S SUMMER IN TEXAS! Even though I’m a handicapped senior citizen with mobility issues who only leaves the house in a wheelchair four times a year for doctor appointments, I still pay attention to rainfall totals, tornado warnings and daily weather reports ... and according to Weather.com it was almost 90° here today! Holy crap, right?

Eating, sleeping and downloading. I love my life.

It’s 6:29 p.m. on a semi-drizzly Friday evening, and this is the first chance I’ve had today to sit at my desk and write a Howdygram post. The rest of the time I’ve been eating, sleeping, downloading and ... well, I think that’s it. Eating, sleeping and downloading. I love my life.

I love voting by mail because you don’t have to fuck around with shoes or a brassiere.

Howdy-do from warm yet strangely overcast north Texas, where Sam is on his way to Mesquite’s city hall to pay our monthly water bill — he has a deep commitment to the drop-box in their parking lot — and when he gets home about 20 minutes from now I will ask him to nuke me something terrific for a late lunch. I’ve got a craving for a Sam-made cheeseburger (again) with a slab of real tomato and sugar-free bread & butter pickle chips. This actually sounds so fucking great I might have a brain hemorrhage.

Marco Robot will never be president because he’s bald and has unexciting teeth.

I just spent the last three hours designing more cool new shit — i.e., gorgeous spiral notebooks — for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle.com, and this is so much fun I might have a nervous breakdown. After I finish this post I’ll start work on a bunch of coordinating products that include zipper cases in two convenient sizes, mousepads and perhaps a few mugs. My new designs are FUCKING AWESOME, even if I say so myself. See?!

Please shut the light when you’re through here and join me in the family room for a movie.

Happy Thursday, people. I’m sucking on a Russell Stover sugar-free chocolate and caramel thing — with Rice Krispies in it! — with a nice can of diet ginger ale on the side, wondering if I really have very much to write about today due to not having done anything of consequence except sleep through two Margaret Rutherford movies. I suppose I can always fall back on the latest horseshit from the 2016 Republican clown car. There’s ALWAYS plenty of material spewing from the GOP.

An ass-slapping Einstein gets arrested in Toledo.

When you’re a retired, disabled, housebound senior citizen with shitty knees and diabetes there are many, many times when you have a lousy day due to chronic pain issues, your body is falling apart and nobody thinks you should take a Norco every 45 minutes. Unfortunately, today is edging into “lousy day” territory for all of the following reasons.

Ben Carson has ideas about the Supreme Court. Be afraid.

Hi, people. Notice anything different about the Howdygram today? We have NEW COLORS, a NEWISH BANNER and a REALLY HAPPY BLOGGER who loves tweaking her designs as much as she loves Cheetos and lime Jell-O (not at the same time). This is so much fun I almost can’t stand it! The following graphic illustrates today’s biggest tweaks.

Dubya finally crawled out from under his rock here in Dallas to help Jeb win a few voters in South Carolina.

It’s a lovely, sunny Monday in Texas and here I am, wide awake, slugging a nice cold can of Diet Sunkist and typing like a maniac. I would rather still be asleep, to tell you the truth, but sleep will have to wait a little while longer. I just took a jumbo dose of hydrocodone and when it finally kicks in I’ll migrate to the chaise in the family room and conk out for three or six hours. (You’ll know when it’s time. I’ll be incoherent.) My number one issue du jour? I’M NAUSEATED AND DIZZY. My blood pressure medication (Benazepril) and my heart medication (Metoprolol) tend to do this to me and make me feel like shit. I also have some intense stinging pain from diabetic peripheral neuropathy on the outside of my left thigh from the hip to the knee. Therefore I think this situation deserves an official report from Marcy’s Shit-O-Meter.

Dallas Comic Con 2016. They’re all single, underachieving, unemployed twentysomethings in green wigs and spandex.

Know what? “Big D” is being overtaken again by adult toddlers ... Dallas Comic Con 2016 is in full swing this weekend at the Irving Convention Center! The costumed nutjobs in attendance, from what I can tell, are mostly single, underachieving, unemployed twentysomethings who live in mom and dad’s basement and can’t get a date so they dress up like goons in green wigs and spandex and pretend they’re video game characters. I’m only guessing, of course, but I think it’s safe to assume they’re not law students.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia dropped dead today. Let’s eat saltines.

It’s hard to believe there’s already another Republican debate tonight, this time hosted by CBS and the Wall Street Journal from somewhere in South Carolina. I seriously don’t understand why in hell these assholes find it necessary to continually debate each other because THEY’RE ALL THE SAME PERSON — evil, arrogant, regressive, racist, misogynistic, whiny and repulsive — and nothing ever changes! Tonight’s event, however, will be the first debate minus Chris Christie, Carly Fiorina and Jim Gilmore, who all suspended their campaigns after the New Hampshire primary. This evening’s candidates from the pit of hell will include Donald Trump, Turd Cruz, Dubya’s Brother, John Kasich, Marco Robot and Ben Carson. (Ben Carson’s campaign has been on life support since before the Iowa caucuses. I think everybody would love to know where he’s getting the dough for this never-ending dead-end endeavor.)

It’s easy to tell the Bundy brothers apart. Ryan is the one whose head was run over by a car.

It’s Wednesday morning, 9 a.m. Sam left about an hour ago for his day-trip adventure to Denison, Texas, and the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma, but I’m guessing his number one priority will be a big greasy BREAKFAST because the minute you start a vacation your brain immediately rewires itself for grapefruit juice, a cheese omelet, waffles, double syrup and sausage links. Oy, lucky Sam. I haven’t eaten breakfast in a restaurant for at least FOUR YEARS.

Marco Rubio is today’s Republican jackass du jour.

I almost didn’t feel like writing a Howdygram post today for the following reasons: 1) I’ve been obsessed with my Howdygram Store on Zazzle; 2) I don’t have anything else to tell you; and 3) I think that’s it. However I do have a few more new fonts to share with you plus we’re expecting truly swell spring weather this week, as evidenced by the following Weather.com screen shot. CHECK OUT THE HIGH TEMPERATURE ON THURSDAY! Woo-hoo!

Republican assholes, a senior citizen food review, another dead celebrity and more free fonts!

Know what? While I wait for Sam to get home from Costco with a trunkload of the usual suspects — i.e., teeny tacos, spicy guacamole cups, Cape Cod chicken salad with mooshed up cranberries, trash bags, breakfast burritos, frozen spring rolls and a dozen yoooge muffins — this is the perfect time to move forward with an amazing fruit-filled Howdygram post featuring BREAKING MEDICAL NEWS, REPUBLICAN ASSHOLES, a SENIOR CITIZEN FOOD REVIEW, another DEAD CELEBRITY and MORE FREE FONTS! I know you’re already as excited as I am, so let’s get started, okay?

I just set up my brand new Howdygram store on Zazzle.com!

Know what I’ve been doing for the last couple of hours? Because a retired graphic designer can’t stay totally retired forever or she’ll have a nervous breakdown, I just set up my brand new Howdygram store on Zazzle.com soon-to-be featuring a whole shitload of adorable products with my own screwy and original artwork!

My first official products are a Moo 5" x 7" all-occasion greeting card and the Moo Mousepad (the mousepad is pictured below), a perfect and thoughtful gift for damn near anybody. For instance, a Moo Mousepad and a cheese sandwich would be the perfect present for Valentine’s Day. Who the hell needs diamonds and champagne?!

Although I’m not exactly sick, I’m not really well, either.

To my regular readers who’ve been wondering if I’m dead or alive over here at Howdygram headquarters, I am most certainly alive. I think. It’s been four whole days since my last post, an activity I’ve been putting off for a variety of personal reasons that I’ll share below in neat little subtitled paragraphs. Thank you.

Vote blue in November.

It’s 2:30 Friday afternoon on a sunny, breezy, springish Friday in Texas — such as 64°, y’all — and I’m presently debating whether to continue typing this Howdygram post or go take a nap in the family room with a William Powell movie. So far the nap seems to be winning, but I’ll hang out here a little while longer just in case I get a second wind.

More fonts, two dead celebrities and a lot of sugar-free gherkins from Wal-Mart.

Welcome to Thursday night at Howdygram headquarters! So far today I’ve taken a nap, argued with an Einstein at Top Mobility, consumed two meals, downloaded another king’s ransom in free fonts, received two FedEx deliveries from Wal-Mart — sugar-free sweet gherkins and very nice clear plastic forks, pictured below — and came dangerously close to pishing in the hall due to another urinary tract infection, which I definitely DO NOT NEED.