The time at the tone will be 4:28 a.m. (Beep.)

I’m not having an easy time here. Poor Sam is FUCKING MISERABLE with head-to-toe poison ivy blisters and I had my own very bad day with chronic pain that included knees, heels, feet, hands, raw bleeding skin on the back of my thighs, a migraine headache and screaming nerve endings. Sam manages to sleep through his misery but I can’t. I tried for two whole hours to fall asleep in bed but eventually gave up and hauled my ass into the study. I can always find distractions on the Internet. The time at the tone will be 4:28 a.m. (Beep.)

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To amuse myself I decided to test my pro-thrombin time a few days early and email the results to my doctor. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with my Clots “R” Us clinic, several months ago I invested in my own Coagu Chek XS meter kit to avoid shlepping to Dr. M’s office every month — with a $25 copay — for a routine fingerstick blood test that I can do at home.

Incidentally, everybody who takes a blood thinner like Coumadin has to make sure their pro-thrombin (clotting) time stays within a certain range with a result from 2.0 to 3.0. My P-T time this morning was 2.5, which is perfect. I’m not sure how a person would celebrate this kind of news, however. I’m thinking corn dogs for breakfast.

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Hey people, I’ve got a brilliant video clip for you! In case you thought the first Republican presidential debate of 2015 couldn’t have been more ridiculous, here’s a dubbed version by the comedic geniuses at Bad Lip Reading. Please remember to pee before you watch this. (Trust me.)

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Since Sam will be home from work again today — it’s now day three of The Great Poison Ivy Brouhaha! — here’s what’s on our jam-packed Friday agenda at Howdygram headquarters.

SCHEDULE DELIVERY OF OUR NEW SECTIONAL SOFA. Late Thursday afternoon we got a call from The Leather Sofa Co. to let us know that our new sectional was ready for delivery ... TWO WEEKS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE! As we were both asleep in the family room at the time Sam agreed to call back this morning and set it up. I’m so excited I might have a nervous breakdown.

CALL GARY TO HAUL AWAY OUR OLD ONE. This is basically self-explanatory. Our handyman Gary wants our old sectional so he has to come and get it the night before the new one’s delivered. And he has to bring his own helpers because Sam is too old to volunteer for heavy lifting. Also he doesn’t feel so good (see next paragraph).

GET MORE MEDS FOR SAM. The steroid shot he got on Wednesday isn’t doing anything to help his poison ivy symptoms. Dr. M told him to call her office on Friday (today) if he needs something stronger ... so that’s what he plans to do. DRUGS FOR SAM!

PICK UP PRESCRIPTIONS AT WAL-MART. This would include whatever Dr. M prescribes for Sam PLUS a Trazodone prescription for me that’s been ready since Tuesday. Trazodone is an anti-depressant that I take as a sleep aid in a low dose. It usually works except not tonight. (Shit.)

RIP OPEN A LOT OF CARTONS. We’ve got three days’ worth of deliveries from Wal-Mart, Amazon and JCPenney stacked up in the front foyer. They include Q-Tips, shampoo, a bathroom rug, a case of lobster ramen, a ritzy throw pillow, butt wipes and Glucerna milkshakes for old people with diabetes.

EAT THINGS. I’ve got a quart of leftover hot & sour soup from King China, three packages of Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf, half a bag of English muffins and a freezer full of very pleasant food from Schwan’s. It’s a feast fit for a queen!

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Thank you for reading this.