An ass-slapping Einstein gets arrested in Toledo.

When you’re a retired, disabled, housebound senior citizen with shitty knees and diabetes there are many, many times when you have a lousy day due to chronic pain issues, your body is falling apart and nobody thinks you should take a Norco every 45 minutes. Unfortunately, today is edging into “lousy day” territory for all of the following reasons.

Very presidential, Marco. You worthless twat.

It’s 4:50 a.m. and I’m waiting for a jumbo-sized dose of painkillers to kick in so I can go back to bed and get some real sleep for a change. I woke up about 40 minutes ago for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure and realized I was also in AGONIZING PAIN from my shitty joints, shitty swollen and sensitive legs (I have cellulitis) and the shitty sores on the back of my thighs. The following Shit-O-Meter report illustrates my point.

The Great December Pee-Pee Incident and other Wednesday night distractions.

Yup, it’s me again, but this time I have no yooge news stories, no major health issues to report, no pressing political bullshit, no shopping adventures — not counting a cool new font that I actually paid real money for — and no pictures to share. In other words, this Howdygram post is about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I am the Jerry Seinfeld of bloggers!

I’m a goddamn mess. But I’m a happy goddamn mess.

It’s Monday, people, and I’m deliriously happy to start a fresh new week at Howdygram headquarters ... mostly because I can’t believe I survived a thoroughly miserable pain-filled Sunday during which I limped, moaned, kvetched, cried, shlepped and whined while consuming as many prescription painkillers as possible. GOD BLESS DRUGS. And although I swore to Sam I was feeling much better today, the truth is I’m only feeling somewhat better. The skin on the back of my thighs is hyper-sensitive and bleeding, my heels are killing me and my knees are stiff as a board. I’M A GODDAMN MESS. But I’m a happy goddamn mess. Here’s my most up-to-date Shit-O-Meter reading for your possible interest.

All of a sudden the Howdygram is intensely popular in India. I have no idea why.

This has been a day of phenomenal accomplishments despite feeling pretty much like TOTAL SHIT since Sam left for work this afternoon. Today’s whine list includes all of the following.

Look out for low-flying skull-shaped asteroids.

I’ll open this post with the usual bullshit: MARCY’S WHINE LIST. After spending nearly all day asleep on the chaise in the family room — from 10:30 a.m. when Sam left to retrieve two prescriptions at Wal-Mart until 4:45 this afternoon — I eventually woke up with an exploding bladder, a pounding headache, low blood sugar and stiff as a board due to missing three doses of pain medication. Now that I’m conscious and upright I’d like to add these additional complaints to the aforementioned list: 1) the hypersensitive skin on the back of my thighs is raw and bleeding again; 2) my low-grade fever is creeping back up; and 3) I just yanked a hangnail.

Will somebody please email me a bowl of hot chicken noodle soup and a coloring book with 48 crayons.

Oy, people, I feel so goddamn lousy right now I don’t think I can type! I woke up from an afternoon nap about 20 minutes ago with every joint in my body completely locked-up and screaming in pain, I’m running a substantial fever — no kidding, 100.8° is very high for me because “normal” is 97° — I have zero appetite and I feel so limp I want to CRY. I don’t know what I want to do right now aside from binge-drinking hot tea and popping large doses of Norco. Once the meds kick in I’m considering suicide a nice hot shower, maybe shaving my pits and another nap.

An ode to drugs, “Columbo,” frozen food and Sam. (Not necessarily in that order.)

There are a million things wrong with me tonight, and that’s a conservative estimate. They include: 1) severe joint pain due to not taking my meds five hours ago while I was asleep in the family room watching “Columbo” DVDs; 2) a persistent low-grade fever; 3) pain in my left heel; 4) chills, body aches, a nasty rash and a relentless yet aggravating urge to pish, all the result of item number two; 5) a dull headache; and 6) shortness of breath. Put them all together and you get FUCK THIS SHIT!

Oh my God, I just belched. I can go to bed now!

I’m having a very, very lousy night. I wanted to go to bed at the same time as Sam two hours ago (at midnight) except: 1) I’ve got severe pain in my chest due to an inability to belch like a truck driver; 2) my eyes are watering; 3) the skin on the back of my thighs is raw and bleeding again; and 4) I think that’s enough. To amuse myself while I wait for a good belch and an opportunity to take my next round of Norco I just designed a cute new mousepad for myself and ordered it from Zazzle. (It beats crying.)

Note to parents: Do not raise entitled assholes. Thank you.

Yo, everybody. As I write this post I’m being bombarded by weird noises from the laundry room while an energetic service technician named Ricardo performs a routine tune-up on our GE Profile gas dryer (pictured below) and sucks stray lint from the vents and hoses. I’m told this is a really swell thing to do every couple of years, which makes sense. It’s definitely cheaper than buying a new dryer.

Shut up and deal with it.

It’s amazing how much I don’t feeling like writing a Howdygram post when I’m dealing with physical pain. I apologize if I whine, but there are times I can’t help myself so you’ll just have to SHUT UP AND DEAL WITH IT. This morning, for instance, I’ve got stinging and burning skin issues on the back of my thighs that never seems to end unless I lie down on the chaise in the family room or find a comfortable position in bed. Otherwise it ABSOLUTELY SUCKS. I apologize if you’re sick of hearing about this. (Seriously.)

Drugs are amazing.

Know what I hate? Waking up wracked with pain after a lousy night’s sleep. This was just about one of the worst nights I can ever remember even though I actually felt not too bad when I went to bed at 3 a.m. I wish somebody could tell me what the hell happened between 3 and 6:45! At the moment I’ve got a whole whine list full of pain-related shit going on — everything from plantar fasciitis to sensitive bleeding skin to gas pains to a low-grade fever with aching joints — and I’m EXHAUSTED from lack of sleep. With any luck I’ll type this post really fast and then haul myself into the family room for a multi-hour nap on the chaise before my maid shows up at 1 p.m. for a pre-arranged visit to check on my welfare and make sure I haven’t fallen down in the family room with a bowl of chili and need four paramedics with a moose sling to help me get up.

I want my little plastic cup back.

It’s a pleasant, mostly cloudy Monday morning here at Howdygram headquarters. At 8:05 a.m. I’ve already been awake for nearly three hours due to a hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) episode that woke me from a sound sleep with a variety of irritating warning signs. These include not being able to breathe, double vision, shaky hands, dizziness and a severe craving for sugar. Just another sparkling day in Diabetesland, where I lead a jam-packed life filled with insulin, needles, chronic kidney disease and neuropathy pain.

If you need any additional evidence that Donald Trump is full of shit, here you go.

It’s shortly after 6 p.m. Saturday evening, Sam is in California AND I’M NOT. As I write this post he’s driving around North Hollywood in a brand new Mustang convertible — with the fucking top down and a loud radio! — while I’m trapped alone at home in north Texas, writhing in pain with irritated, bleeding thighs. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?

Getting carried away is the story of my life.

In case you didn’t recognize us, THE HOWDYGRAM HAD A MAKEOVER LAST NIGHT! Holy crap, people, this was so much fun I almost had a cow. We’ve got a NEW BANNER, NEW COLORS and some NEW GRAPHICS. I know this is probably insignificant in the grand scheme of life, but I spend a lot more hours staring at this blog than you do ... so every little change is FUCKING HUGE. I’m especially excited about the new text color — gray was getting on my nerves — and the wood-textured banner. Seriously. I was hoping to work on all this while Sam is in California (he leaves tomorrow morning) but I got so carried away I couldn’t wait. Getting carried away is the story of my life.

News from Clots “R” Us, Howdygram headquarters’ do-it-yourself blood clot clinic.

Oy. Happy Monday, everybody, from hot and sticky Texas. I just woke up abruptly from an after-lunch nap and I’m not feeling so good in any way whatsoever. Maybe I should put together a comprehensive whine list so you’ll know what the fuck is going on around here.