Sam & Marcy’s Fancy Shower Adventure starts tomorrow!

Good morning from Agonyland, U.S.A. After a pleasant but mostly inadequate night’s sleep I’m grieved to announce that I FEEL LIKE TOTAL SHIT RIGHT NOW. This crazy skin hoo-hah on the back of my left thigh feels like a fucking THIRD-DEGREE BURN and makes it impossible to get comfortable ANYWHERE, even lying down or sitting on my squishy new office chair in the study with Diet Sunkist orange soda in a can. I want to kill somebody or take a bunch of drugs. (Drugs are my friend.)

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Even in the midst of my suffering, however, I still have a very packed Monday agenda. Today’s projects include:

• Eating up to three Schwan’s corn dogs for breakfast on a paper plate with napkins.
• Ordering a pair of new shiny chrome vanity light fixtures for the master bathroom because one of our old ones is kaput. Our handyman Gary will do the installation when he’s here to paint things in a couple of weeks. I’ve narrowed it down to the following finalists from Amazon and Home Depot. Are these wonderful, or what?!

• Calling Re-Bath of Dallas to find out what time their crew will be here tomorrow. We’re remodeling our master bath, people, and I am all at once terrified, thrilled and hungry!
• Folding socks. Helpers are welcome; write for free information.
• I can’t think of anything else.

I have to lie down now. Thank you for reading this.