Rick Perry is looking for a better gig.

Good morning from Howdygram headquarters, home of CORN DOGS FOR BREAKFAST! Corn dogs are a neat, appropriate, easy-to-eat treat from Schwan’s that a person can nuke in about 2½ minutes and won’t drip on your keyboard. And you can even use a PAPER PLATE.

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And the hits just keep on comin’, people! Today we can declare that former Governor Rick Perry, the asshole good ol’ boy who ruined Texas for 14 years, is scrambling for a seat in the 2016 Republican clown car. In his big announcement speech this morning from an airport tarmac in north Dallas, Perry attempted to demonstrate that he’s not the same fuck-up who ran for president in 2012.

“It’s real different from last time,” Perry said in a recent interview. “I’m a different candidate than I was three and a half years ago.” Basically he just ditched his cowboy boots and added a pair of glasses and two federal indictments for abuse of power, the latter still hanging over his head like the sword of Damocles. He’s also facing a few dozen Republican opponents who all poll better nationally.

“My very first act as president will be to rescind any agreement with Iran that legitimizes their quest to get a nuclear weapon,” Perry said this morning, a comment directly related to that embarrassing bullshit warning letter sent back in March from Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR) to Iran’s foreign minister, signed by 47 Republican senators, that attempted to undermine the Obama administration’s nuclear weapons negotiations. At the time Rick Perry immediately slobbered all over himself to agree with Senator Cotton but just came off looking like a desperate clingy wannabe.

Perry’s support is currently a fraction of 1%. Contributing to his campaign would be like investing in new deck chairs for the Titanic.

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Let’s discuss retarded senior citizen digestive issues for a few minutes, okay? Lately I’ve discovered it’s getting harder and harder to eat things as I get older without indigestion, and the latest epic fail is PEANUT BUTTER, which I used to eat straight-up with a teaspoon for minutes and minutes on end. Unfortunately, I attempted this on Monday night with a gigantic new jar of Jif and wound up belching my brains out for TWO STRAIGHT DAYS. Right now even the smell of peanut butter makes me sick so I asked Sam to throw out the rest of the jar. 

I are depressed as hell and have the sadz. And what am I supposed to do with three jars of Smucker’s sugar-free preserves?

Thank you for reading this.