Oh my God, I just belched. I can go to bed now!

I’m having a very, very lousy night. I wanted to go to bed at the same time as Sam two hours ago (at midnight) except: 1) I’ve got severe pain in my chest due to an inability to belch like a truck driver; 2) my eyes are watering; 3) the skin on the back of my thighs is raw and bleeding again; and 4) I think that’s enough. To amuse myself while I wait for a good belch and an opportunity to take my next round of Norco I just designed a cute new mousepad for myself and ordered it from Zazzle. (It beats crying.)

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There must be something seriously wrong with me. All of a sudden I have a craving for a can of stewed tomatoes with diced celery and teeny slices of zucchini squash. Holy mackerel.

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In case you give a crap here’s what’s on our agenda this week at Howdygram headquarters:

• I have to call our handyman, Gary, to come back and fix the new towel rings he installed in our master bathroom in August because two of them are pulling away from the wall. If he fucked this up I might have to kill him.
• I’ve got an appointment with my cardiologist on Tuesday morning at 10.
• It’s time to put together my annual Marcy’s Birthday Wish List so I can post it in the Howdygram. My birthday is November 1. Please click here to request shipping information so you’ll have plenty of time to send presents.
• We get our biweekly Schwan’s delivery on Wednesday. This time I ordered a mini pot roast, a box of corn dogs and half a dozen mini deep-dish supreme pizzas. Photos appear below for your possible interest. I’m particularly hysterical about that pot roast.

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Oh my God, I just belched. I can go to bed now! Thank you for reading this.