What everybody wants for holiday gift-giving. Overpriced light fixtures!

It’s 4:55 p.m. and Sam is unconscious in the family room after a hectic day that included a hot shower and a muffin. I can’t actually 100% verify that second activity, however, because I was in bed attempting to recover after Sam applied TriDerma Intense Fast-Healing Cream to the back of my thighs and it burned like hell for about 20 minutes. For those of you who’ve been following along with my ongoing “skin issues” ... I have pressure ulcers. FUCK PRESSURE ULCERS! I won’t go into too much detail here in case somebody’s eating breakfast. (You’re welcome.)

---

My teeny new life-saving RCA microwave from Wal-Mart was delivered today, and it’s a perfect fit on my desk in the study. Seriously, I have one awesome workspace now that includes all of the following features. (A diagram follows.)

• Two connected desks
• Two large matching lateral files
• A huge four-door hutch above the larger desk
• A mini fridge with diet sodas and insulin
• An Epson Workforce printer that does flawless envelopes
• Twin “touch” lamps
• An iMac workstation
• Three nice water hyacinth bins from the Container Store packed with Mountain House freeze-dried entrees for senior citizens, Idahoan instant mashed potato cups and Chef Boyardee microwave mini ravioli
• Bottled water
• Plastic spoons and forks
• Salt & pepper shakers
• Tea bags
• Packets of Equal and Sweet & Low

Not pictured: A matching bookcase, Sam’s desk (measuring 36" x 60"), a large armchair for visitors and/or folded laundry and a swell floor lamp with a dimmer in case you want to go blind at the computer.

In case you’re wondering what’s up with a fridge, a microwave and bins of food in the study, I’m a handicapped senior citizen with mobility issues, and when Sam isn’t home to cook a meal for me — if he works late or goes out of town — I have to fend for myself. The easiest way to do this without starving to death or surviving on a bag of Cheetos is to keep cold beverages and microwaveable convenience food in the study where I spend most of my time. Also it’s very close to a bathroom. This is essential because I have the bladder from hell.

---

Hey, I’ve got pictures for you this morning! First up ... my niece Melissa’s two little sweethearts, Tyler and Addy. Are these kids gorgeous, or what?

And now we go from adorable to repulsive! Here are George and Laura Bush enjoying courtside seats at an SMU basketball game last weekend. Dubya sure looks like shit, doesn’t he?

---

Here’s what everybody wants for holiday gift-giving. OVERPRICED LIGHT FIXTURES! Featured in today’s email ad from Pottery Barn was this “Clarissa Double-Drop Round Chandelier” for only $1,399. They’re also pushing a large collection of extremely gentile tartan plaid home accessories that no Jewish person in his or her right mind would own under any circumstances, such as tartan plaid desktop clocks and tartan plaid ottomans with coordinating ugly froufrou pillows and a squat lamp reminiscent of something I bought from a Sears catalog for my first apartment in 1971. Who the fuck decorates like this?!

---

It’s 5 a.m. and finally time to go to bed. I’ve been wide awake for quite a while following a late-evening nap in the family room. When I woke up at 2 a.m. Sam was in bed, the TV and all the lights were on, and I had to pee so bad I practically flooded the foyer. (If this is too much information, DEAL WITH IT.)

Incidentally, my cardiologist’s office called yesterday and told me to cut my Metoprolol pills — which reduces my heart rate and risk for a stroke because I have atrial fibrillation — in half and take 25 mg instead of 50 mg. I stopped taking it six days ago after passing out twice plus severe joint pain. I’m hoping that 25 mg won’t try to murder me. Please stay tuned for additional information as it becomes available. In case you care, I took a 25 mg tablet about an hour ago and so far I’m still conscious. Yay, right?

Thank you for reading this!