Donald Trump the real estate genius has just reinvented concentration camps.

Hi, people. I hope your day is swell so far. It’s 10 a.m., Sam is at Wal-Mart buying assorted tasty crap from a list and I’m hanging out with you and the Howdygram. Also drinking a can of Diet Sunkist soda because sometimes a girl needs faux vitamin C.

Please try not to eat any broken plastic if you can help it. And while you’re at it, try not to eat SpaghettiOs, either.

Good evening from Texas! The time at the tone — beep! — is 6:50 p.m., the temperature outside is a pleasant 56°, and dinner — a bag of Mountain House freeze-dried Noodles & Chicken for senior citizens — is rehydrating on my desk. While I wait for my food I’ve got several important things to cover in this post. One or two are deadly serious, others are mostly retarded bullshit. So let’s get started, shall we?

I want a nice hot meal once in a while without pestering other people.

It’s 3 a.m. and I’m in the study rehydrating a bag of Mountain House freeze-dried Biscuits & Gravy for senior citizens because I’M STARVING TO DEATH and this is the blandest food I can eat at this ridiculous hour and still go to bed afterwards without belching myself into the next county. I’m waiting for Sam to get home from work. He’ll probably be here by 4:30 if I can stay awake that long. We’ll see.

Campbell’s Bean with Bacon soup is one of the major joys of life. Try it.

Hello from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters, where I’ve been sick for TWO WHOLE DAYS with a raging fever. Mostly I’ve been drifting between the bathroom, bed, my desk in the study and the chaise in the family room ... whining, bitching, moaning, shivering and being altogether NOT VERY HAPPY. I don’t have an appetite but it’s almost 7:30 p.m. and I’m thinking I’d better rehydrate a Mountain House freeze-dried entree for senior citizens just to keep my blood sugar stable.

Yesterday’s Benghazi comedy was an 11-hour commercial showcasing Hillary Clinton’s presidential qualifications.

Hi, kids. What’s shakin’ at YOUR house today? I’m rehydrating a bag of Mountain House freeze-dried Scrambled Eggs with Ham & Peppers — the perfect protein-rich breakfast for senior citizens with mobility issues! — while Sam and I enjoy Friday morning thunderstorms with lots of really swell and welcome rainfall.

Mazel tov. Caitlyn Jenner has morphed into an elderly, self-absorbed Kardashian.

It’s 2:30 Monday afternoon, Sam is on his way to work and I’ve got a bag of Mountain House Noodles & Chicken for hungry senior citizens rehydrating on my desk here in the study. Sam usually makes lunch for me before he goes to work but today was a little different, as both of us were exhausted and unconscious until well past 1 p.m. and I was too discombobulated (isn’t that a fabulous word?) to make any intelligent decisions about food. That’s why I love these Mountain House things. Just add boiling water and you’ve got AN INSTANT TASTY MEAL! Plus, if you eat right out of the bag, like I do, you don’t even have to rinse any dishes afterwards. Life is amazing, isn’t it?

Oy! Time marches on!

It’s a crazy-busy Wednesday morning here at Howdygram headquarters! We’re running the dishwasher, Sam is getting ready to throw a load of sheets into the washing machine and I’m seriously considering a chicken salad sandwich for lunch today on rye bread or Seasoned Meat Slabs for Senior Citizens with Grill Marks and Low-Carb Pasta Rice. I’m so excited in advance I can hardly stand it!

Donald Trump believes that entertainment value and ratings make him the savior of America.

I think it would be swell if South Carolina sent us an inch or two of rain because we haven’t had any measurable precipitation here since the second week of June. And please let me repeat this in case you’re not paying attention: IT HASN’T RAINED HERE SINCE THE SECOND WEEK OF JUNE. The only reason the local authorities still allow us to shower and flush the toilet is because we had a 20-inch deluge back in May that filled the reservoirs. Other than that, we’re fucked. And there’s nothing in the forecast, either, as you’ll note on the following graphic from Weather.com. Summer temperatures, zero rain, lots of sun. We could croak from the boredom here already.

Note to Wayne LaPierre: There’s blood on your hands again, asshole!

Remember in my last post when I ruminated about maybe feeling better later in the day after consuming a large volume of my favorite prescription painkiller? It didn’t happen, people. I’ve had enough continuous doses of Norco since 7 a.m. Wednesday to sink a battleship ... BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT. Fortunately, my maid dropped in around 1 p.m. to make sure I’m still alive here and brought a bag of McDonald’s; I may feel lousy but at least I’m eating well. In case you’re interested, as much as I love them I honestly didn’t think I could face another day of those Mountain House freeze-dried entrees for senior citizens.

Bobby Jindal is a confused conservative “moran” on steroids.

Howdy-do and happy Saturday from the bowels of north Texas! I thought I’d get started on a Howdygram post while Sam is packing for his trip to California, which commences about two and a half hours from now when his flight takes off from Love Field. For your possible interest the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Love Field airport; C) the State Fair of Texas in south Dallas, which is a major hoo-hah today full of people eating funnel cakes and deep-fried manure on a stick; D) Sam works here; and E) George Dubya Bush’s house in the snooty Preston Hollow neighborhood.

It’s time once again for the State Fair of Texas.

Today’s the day, people! This was opening day for the State Fair of Texas right here in Dallas. In case you’re interested in shlepping to the Lone Star State for cattle judging, a ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl and a couple of classic corn dogs, please note that the Fair runs from September 25 through October 18 and there are lots of opportunities to get in really cheap or free. These include …

You never realize how big your house is until you can’t walk any more.

I’m having “mouse issues.” My wireless Apple mouse is skipping, getting stuck, locking up, acting jerky and generally driving me insane. I almost ordered a new one last night from Amazon for $65.99 but decided to hold off for a while until I try a variety of other remedies. First up, at Sam’s suggestion, DITCH MY VERY OLD MOUSE PAD — even though it’s really adorable with his baby picture on it — and just use the mouse on the surface of my desk. I guess it’s worth a shot. Stay tuned for further developments but please feel free to continue your usual Sunday routine in the meantime. (Thank you.)

I’m definitely in favor of not washing a dish. Ask anybody.

Sam and his brother David — he’s visiting for the weekend! yay! — are in the kitchen eating waffles and coffee, and I’m in the study with an ice cold Diet Sunkist soda and Mountain House scrambled eggs in a bag with bacon. No kidding, people, these Mountain House freeze-dried whatnots are OUTSTANDING. It’s probably more economical to buy the giant gallon cans of this shit but then you’d have to wash a dish afterwards. I’m definitely in favor of NOT washing a dish. Ask anybody.

Two things: 1) I went to the doctor this morning; and 2) I just saved us $25,000.

Happy Thursday afternoon from Howdygram headquarters! This has been a day of remarkable accomplishments for yours truly, which I’ll list for you below in neat subtitled paragraphs, with photos and illustrations whenever possible. Thank you.

Barstool Palin, America’s shriekiest serial unwed mother, weighs in on the “Denali” brouhaha.

It’s a HUGE WEEK around here for this hungry senior citizen, because all the Mountain House freeze-dried meals I ordered from Wal-Mart and CampSaver.com will be arriving via FedEx today and tomorrow! You may remember my Howdygram post from August 29 when I explained that Sam will be out of town for a few days at the end of this month and I’ll be on my own for meal preparation ... but that’s NOT a good thing because my overall mobility is so fucking shot to hell now that I can’t stand up long enough to nuke two corn dogs. That’s when I Googled and discovered Mountain House freeze-dried entrees for campers senior citizens. Just pour hot water into the foil pouch, zip it shut, wait a few minutes and PRESTO BLAMMO ... real food with gravy! I ordered all of the following entrees this week in addition to a set of plastic salt & pepper shakers and a lightweight measuring cup for my desk in the study in case I can’t haul my ass into the kitchen. That’s a very long walk when you’re dealing with pain issues. I’m not kidding, either.

Go make yourself a cheese sandwich.

Shalom, happy Saturday, what’s new and how’s the family from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! I’ve got a shitload of exciting topics and snide remarks to share with y’all today, so go make yourself a cheese sandwich and let’s get started.