Let’s get a pizza and celebrate.

Hi. It’s me. I just realized I forgot to write a Howdygram post on Friday — horrors! — and then let Saturday slip away from me, too. I am without excuse, I suppose, not counting chronic pain, extra naps, horsing around with Sam and enjoying a first Face Time experience with my best girlfriend in Chicago who thinks I still look like I’m in high school. (Apparently she wasn’t wearing her glasses.) Anyway, I’ve got a variety of topics and news updates to share with you tonight so I’m thinking I’ll just do my favorite neat little indented paragraphs with subheads. Thank you.

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OUTSTANDING LAB TEST RESULTS. I am a remarkable woman. On Friday Dr. M’s office emailed the results of Thursday’s lab work, and I’ve got some excellent numbers to report. My cholesterol is 121, my triglycerides are 109 and my hemoglobin A1C is 6.2. THIS IS FUCKING AMAZING, people, especially since I don’t take any meds for cholesterol or triglycerides and my results six months ago were 198 and 164, respectively. My A1C number is down, too, from 6.4. All good news. Let’s get a pizza and celebrate, okay?

I HAD TO RETURN A PIECE OF CRAP MEASURING CUP TO AMAZON. I’d ordered a nice plastic two-cup measuring cup by Arrow to keep in the study for those times when Sam isn’t home and I have to make a tasty Mountain House freeze-dried entree to eat at my desk with a soup spoon. Except Amazon shipped a cup with a broken handle that was also heavily soiled — used?! — and all scratched up. An embarrassment ... even for $4.97.

SO I ORDERED A REPLACEMENT. A GOOD ONE THIS TIME. It’s a two-cup glass measuring cup by Pyrex, the kind that’s so indestructible you can drop a refrigerator on it. We already have one of these in the kitchen and a four-cup version, too.

I’M SO GODDAMN SICK OF THIS FACE I WANT TO VOMIT ALREADY. It’s Kim Davis, the Bible-humping bigoted county clerk from Kentucky who’s been jailed since Thursday for refusing to grant same-sex marriage licenses because Jesus said so. GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Davis, as it turns out, is a four-times-married “adulteress” by Biblical standards with twins born out of wedlock. I wonder how she would have reacted if a zealous clerk had refused to issue three of her marriage licenses based on “sincerely-held religious beliefs.” Also, I think if Jesus really loved her he'd do something about her hair.

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I have no idea what this is — nor do I want to know — but you can buy one today for only $16.99 from Allegro Medical, which must be a hell of a bargain. Happy Labor Day from the satisfied belly bag customers pictured below.

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It’s 3:45 in the morning and I can’t think of anything else to say, so shut the light when you’re through here, okay?