Coming up next week: a haircut, houseguests and cortisone injections.

It was the day from hell, guys. My routine appointment with Dr. M this morning was absolutely AWFUL for all of the following reasons.

• I woke up today with a lot of intense pain and low blood sugar.
• My legs were so immobile I almost couldn’t get into the car. Sam had to squish me.
• The phlebotomist couldn’t find my veins.
• I forgot to bring a copy of my quarterly blood sugar log.
• Sam and Dr. M convinced me to see an orthopedic surgeon immediately for SHITTY CORTISONE INJECTIONS IN BOTH KNEES because nobody is volunteering to prescribe morphine for my chronic pain.
• A technician named Christy did x-rays of my kneecaps. She was precious; the x-rays definitely were NOT.

So Dr. M set me up to see Dr. Jonathan Quinby — the orthopedic surgeon — on Tuesday morning. Although most of me is scared to death of knee injections, here’s what I’m thinking. I’m already in so damn much pain nothing could really be worse, and sometimes the scariest shit turns out just fine. (A classic example of this is dentures.) Bottom line ... I need some pain relief FAST to avoid blowing my brains out, and it would be swell if we could do the injections Tuesday morning because Sam and I are expecting houseguests on May 16, 17 and 18 (his sister Tammy and her son Josh) and I do NOT want to subject them to a despondent wretch of a hostess who drags herself around the house like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Sobbing, no less. Please stay tuned for additional developments.

---

Today the slimebags at Texas’ beloved Blue Bell Creameries finally owned up to knowing their products were contaminated with Listeriosis as early as 2013 and didn’t do a goddamn thing about it. Three people have died and dozens more have been sickened.

That earliest known contamination reportedly happened at Blue Bell’s plant in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, but apparently their plants in both Brenham, Texas, and Alabama also “indicated a high likelihood, or ‘presumptive positive’ for listeria on surfaces like floors, pallets used to store and carry ingredients and other non-food-contact surfaces,” according to the Houston Chronicle. “That’s as bad as it gets,” said Seattle attorney Bill Marler, a food safety expert. “You’re just not doing what you’re supposed to do.”

Know what? This is just another TYPICAL TEXAS WHITEWASH, where the anti-regulatory assholes in Austin let corporate giants do whatever the hell they want in the name of small government and big profits. And what about the fine Christians in Brenham? They want y’all to know they’re busy praying ... but for the COMPANY, not for the VICTIMS. If you want to join the prayer club just grab yourself a handy lawn sign so everybody knows you’re counting on Jesus to get your favorite brand of Banana Ripple back on the shelves at Kroger. Holy mother of crap.

---

We’ve got a huge line of BIG FAT THUNDERSTORMS rolling through the Dallas metro area right now, and Sam managed to get home from work about 10 minutes before they started. This is WILD STUFF, people! We’ve got torrential sheets of rain, wind, nonstop lightning, and thunder loud enough to straighten your hair. Sam is enjoying the festivities from his favorite spot in the garage with the lights out and the door open. When he comes in we’ll have snacks and watch Thursday’s episode of “People’s Court.” For your possible interest, the red star on the map below denotes Howdygram headquarters.

---

I’ve got a breaking news story tonight from our Another One Bites the Dust department. The legendary Riviera Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas closed its doors yesterday at noon after 60 years on the Strip. In its heydey the Riviera hosted such top-name entertainers as Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Joan Rivers and Liberace and also provided the set for 1995’s Casino starring Robert DeNiro and Sharon Stone; in recent years it was famous mostly for its cheesy revues, cheap blackjack and their unforgettable all-you-can-eat Ptomaine Festival Buffet.

Sam and I stayed at “The Riv” in 2006 when we got married. The guest room was pleasant enough for an older property with an abundance of free teeny shampoos, but lunch was a horror. For $18.95 per person the only edible options on the buffet were pickled beets, fried chicken crust and memory foam meatballs in oily red slime shiny mystery liquid. Even the frozen yogurt sucked, although Sam said the sprinkles were above average.

---

I’ve got lots more to write about tonight but I think I should concentrate on food for a while because haven’t eaten for quite a long time. Thank you for stopping by and say hi to the family for me.