Texas is still fighting an extreme drought. We might have to start bathing with friends.

Holy crap (again). I DON’T SLEEP WELL ANY MORE. I got up this morning (again) two hours before dawn with pain in my feet and knees EXACTLY THE SAME AS YESTERDAY ... except this time with the added excitement of hypoglycemia, which has been happening more often than I care to admit. So while I waited for Sam to wake up I killed a substantial chunk of time with a Glucerna vanilla milkshake for old broads with diabetes and fantasizied about Pop Secret with Movie Theater Butter. (Low blood sugar can do scary shit to a person’s brain. Trust me.)

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I’d like to extend yet another heartfelt HAPPY HALLOWEEN [see the original] to my readers far and wide. Please tell me what the hell you’re wearing today and if you have any candy in the house. Also what kind. Here at Howdygram headquarters I’ve been a Halloween deadbeat for years because I’m an aging human with mobility issues who refuses to answer the door. Instead, my evening will include No-Stress Sloppy Joes for Senior Citizens with Crappy Hands and Knees [see recipe] with a pair of toasty low-carb onion rolls and The Devil Doll (1936) starring Lionel Barrymore in drag and Maureen O’Sullivan. This is a perfect movie for Halloween because it’s scary and stupid at the same time, allowing you to kill a couple of birds with a rock. (I think you get my drift.)

I’ve got a few other cheesy Halloween movies stored on my DVR, too, in case you’re interested. These include: I Walked with a Zombie (1943) starring Tom Conway and Frances Dee; Mark of the Vampire (1935) starring Bela Lugosi, Elizabeth Allan and Lionel Atwill; Return of the Vampire (1944) starring Bela Lugosi and Frieda Inescort; and Dead of Night (1945) starring Mervyn Johns and Googie Withers. An arrangement of their assorted faces appears below.

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I think you’ll be pleased to know that fall has slammed into Howdygramland at last, as evidenced by this five-day forecast. Tonight’s overnight low will drop to 39° and the high tomorrow — MY BIRTHDAY! — will be 62°. And we finally have a decent chance for substantial rain on Tuesday, provided the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com aren’t pulling our collective legs again. Texas is still fighting an extreme drought. We might have to start bathing with friends.

Thank y’all for reading this.