Sunday night’s weather was a real humdinger.

There were THREE HUGE NEWS STORIES at Howdygram headquarters on Sunday, which I’ll present to you below in neatly subtitled paragraphs.

North Texas is shrouded in dense fog tonight. I think we should order a pizza!

Hello and happy Saturday morning from Howdygram headquarters. It’s just past 3 a.m., Sam and Josh are both asleep, and I’m killing a little time until my bedtime meds kick in and knock me out. It won’t be long now. When I start drifting off, therefore, please feel free to stop reading and do a crossword puzzle.

I’ll bet you’re old enough for our senior discount!

Happy Wednesday morning to you and yours! It’s 12:03 a.m., Sam is conked out in the family room pretending to watch Rachel and the Stranger (1948) starring Loretta Young and William Holden, and I’m ensconced here in the study with all kinds of compelling news for you ... such as free fonts, new background graphics, a billion exciting senior discounts, our seven-day weather forecast, and — best of all — I’m ready to make FANCY DEVILED EGGS this afternoon! So let’s get started, shall we?

I’ll never eat those goddamn frozen egg rolls again.

Hello from Howdygram headquarters on a wet and unexpectedly warm Christmas Day. It’s 80° here, people, and it’s also overcast and drizzling. We were supposed to get thunderstorms an hour ago but apparently Weather.com was lying again. (They’re pathological about it.) Thunderstorms have been pushed ahead to 7 p.m. but I won’t hold my breath.

Maybe I could try knitting pot holders for fun and profit.

I greet you from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters, where I’m doing my best to spring back to life from the longest nap since Rip Van Fucking Winkle. After being jolted awake again this morning with a raging case of hypoglycemia — and barely two stinking hours of sleep — I conked myself out in the family room at 9:45, slept until 3:30, hauled myself straight into bed and slept another 90 minutes. That’s MORE THAN SEVEN HOURS, people! At this point my schedule is so insanely convoluted that I think I’ll just give up and look for a work-at-home graveyard shift job for insomniac senior citizens who eat marshmallow Santas. Maybe I could try knitting pot holders for fun and profit.

The Dallas Cowboys have achieved a temporary level of semi-greatness that deserves to be enjoyed with a lot of pizza.

A couple of hours ago I was stretched out on the chaise in the family room for a lovely late-night nap when I got sidetracked by an incoming call from Sam, which I missed due to not being able to drag my ass to the phone in time. When I called back maybe 90 seconds later he’d already silenced his iPhone and gone to bed. Therefore Sam is asleep and I’m wide awake. Welcome to my cockeyed world. Damn.

Merry Hamburger Day to one and all. L’chaim!

In case you don’t have any meaningful activities planned for today I’d like to make a couple of suggestions, okay? First, this is NATIONAL HAMBURGER DAY and there’s still plenty of time for an appropriate celebration involving food and napkins. Sam had mentioned picking up Five Guys for lunch except (unfortunately) it’s already 3:45 in the afternoon, I just woke up from a four-hour nap and the closest meal at this point in time would be dinner. Those of you who think I just blew an opportunity, please raise your hand.

There’s no way I’ll ever be able to fly again. (I’m not too thrilled about cars, either.)

Hi, people. We’re winding down a surprisingly pleasant, productive and thoroughly enjoyable Sunday afternoon at Howdygram headquarters that included all of the following activities: 1) four substantial loads of laundry; 2) a sock-folding party; 3) unpacking, admiring and putting away the contents of six deliveries from Amazon and Wal-Mart; 4) a large bowl of Marcy’s Famous One-Pot Asian Food Feast for Senior Citizens; and 5) a swell afternoon nap that lasted THREE GLORIOUS HOURS. And it’s 75° here.

Basil Rathbone was hot.

Holy crap, I do NOT feel well right now. My hands and feet are burning due to diabetic peripheral neuropathy, my leg muscles ache, my knees hurt, my right arm is stiff as a board, I’ve got electric shocks in my bunions, my blood sugar has been consistently way too low since yesterday morning and — worst of all — IT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT AND I’M WIDE AWAKE. What the hell is wrong with me? I’ve been back and forth to bed three times but keep waking up either in pain or, like right now, with HYPOGLYCEMIA. This is one of the crappiest nights I’ve ever had. Thank God Sam is planning a Costco adventure this morning because NOTHING MAKES ME FEEL BETTER THAN TEENY TACOS. (Except possibly drugs.)

We ran out of silverware yesterday.

Howdygram headquarters is brimming with all kinds of important crap today! I’ll list everything for you below in cleverly-subtitled paragraphs so you’ll know what’s what.

Will independence for Scotland mean a worldwide shortage of bagpipes and Lorna Doones?

Did you ever notice that some days are newsier than other days? Today, for instance, has been newsy as hell around here, which I’ll expound for you below in attractive separate paragraphs.