Double bonus points are a huge fucking deal for old people.

Listen up, guys! Yesterday was A RECORD-BREAKING DAY IN HOWDYGRAMLAND! The Howdygram had 743 unique visitors and 891 pageviews after everybody on earth clicked a link to this post from a comment I wrote about Bristol Palin on Jezebel.com. Holy crap! I’m speechless! I’m dumbfounded! I’m popular! I’M HUNGRY!

That last exclamation will be addressed as soon as possible with a large quantity of halva because my Amazon order arrived yesterday. However my legs hurt and I don’t feel like dragging myself into the kitchen, so in the meantime I can always eat Russell Stover sugar-free marshmallow pumpkins. (I’ve got a whole case of them on my desk in a retail display box. You know, for emergencies.)

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I’d like to take a minute or two to review today’s really important deliveries, okay? Around 11 a.m. we’re expecting Schwan’s with our biweekly load of tasty frozen whatnots. Today’s whatnots include: 1) Seasoned Baby Brussels Sprouts; 2) our favorite Mozzarella Things with Flavor Flecks; 3) Surprisingly Pretty Good French Fries with skinny crinkles that bake in only 13 minutes; and 4) two bags of Grammar School Fish Sticks made with REAL SLABS OF HADDOCK on sale at $4 off the regular price.

The Howdygram would like to recommend that everybody should sign up for Schwan’s home delivery. It’s free, the quality is very good, they shlep frozen happiness to your door in nice big bags and — best of all! — every other week, right in front of your house, YOU’LL GET TO SEE A TRUCK JUST LIKE THIS DRIVEN BY YOUR VERY OWN DELIVERY DOOFUS! Click here to find out more about Schwan’s home delivery. Incidentally, click here if you’re an AARP member and you’ll get $20 off your first order and DOUBLE BONUS POINTS every time you order online. (Double bonus points are a huge fucking deal for old people.)

For your possible interest our current Schwan’s delivery doofus is named Gary. Our previous Schwan’s delivery doofus was named Gary, too. So is our handyman and also one of Sam’s co-workers. From this, therefore, we can conclude that EVERYBODY IN TEXAS WHO’S NOT NAMED BUBBA IS NAMED GARY. (Or Travis. We have an abundance of Travises here, too, because THE ALAMO and GOD BLESS TEXAS.)

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In addition to Schwan’s, today is also EXQUISITE PIZZA DELIVERY DAY! I’m expecting two deep-dish Chicago-style pizzas from My π packed in dry ice (sample pizza pictured below) and a box of first aid supplies from Wal-Mart that includes antiseptic, Neosporin, corn pads, eye wash and a value-size box of Pop Secret with Movie Theater Butter.

And now, because I didn’t get enough sleep last night AGAIN, this might be a fine time to take my first nap of the day! Thank you for reading this and shalom, y’all.