Tuesday’s Morphine Mania … and other essential baloney.

It’s early Tuesday afternoon because I slept really late today — 11:30 a.m. — and I’m finally getting around to all the crap I usually do when I first wake up, like taking all my morning meds and eating a banana for tbe potassium. (That was a screwy opening sentence, wasn’t it?)

The main goal of today’s Howdygram post is to “live blog” my reactions to the new, higher dose of extended release Morphine that I started taking about 10 minutes ago … 30mg twice a day. That’s DOUBLE the dose I’ve been taking since I got home from the hospital (and began hospice care) on May 26.

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MORPHINE MANIA: 11:45 A.M. I’ve just taken my first 30mg extended release Morphine. Stay tuned for updates!

MORPHINE MANIA: 12:30 P.M. It’s kicking in now, people. My brain is a little fuzzy but I’m feeling pretty good overall. I might want my lunch soon.

MORPHINE MANIA: 12:58 P.M. I’m feeling loopy, relaxed, smiley and generally pretty fucking fine. That’s a big statement … but Morphine is a BIG DRUG!

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It’s a nice, quiet day here at Howdygram headquarters … so please don’t do anything to annoy us, okay? We’re napping, eating things and watching a strange list of diverse movies, the latter of which includes, so far: Dames (1934), a silly tap-dancing extravaganza starring Dick Powell, Ruby Keeler and Joan Blondell; The Dirty Dozen (1967) starring Lee Marvin and Ernest Borgnine; The Case of the Howling Dog (1934), an excellent Perry Mason mystery starring Mary Astor and Warren William; Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931) starring Fredric March and Miriam Hopkins; and Broadway Melody of 1936 (1935) starring Robert Taylor, Eleanor Powell, Jack Benny and Una Merkel. Adorable characters, fabulous songs, incredible dancing ... and I LOVE UNA MERKEL!

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MORPHINE MANIA: 4:47 P.M. So far I’ve had a pleasant first “double Morphine” day, although I can’t quite tell yet if I get enough pain relief to walk any real distance here in the house, such as from the family room to the study. While my knees still hurt to a large degree, at least MY LEFT FOOT IS PAIN-FREE NOW. My heel doesn’t hurt AND my “screaming” baby toe doesn’t hurt any more, either! I may have to wait until tomorrow to try that long walk to the study, though. Please keep your fingers crossed for me ...

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The Howdygram is grieved to report that five people have died and nearly 200 from three dozen states have been sickened by E. coli in an expanding outbreak that continues to stump federal investigators.

It’s a peculiar world when pizza is good for you and lettuce is a death sentence.

Although it’s been determined that the E. coli came from contaminated romaine lettuce grown in Arizona’s Yuma region near the border with Southern California, the Food and Drug Administration has not been able to link the outbreak to one farm, processor or distributor, according to Scott Gottlieb, the agency’s commissioner. With the poisoned vegetables now off the shelves and the growing season over, the FDA may never crack the case, frustrating consumer advocates who have called on the agency to issue rules that would speed up future investigations of food-borne illnesses.

However, there is also the pressing issue of what the fuck to do with a sudden over-supply of crappy Kraft salad dressings, particularly Original Day-Glo Orange French and Italian with Mystery Flecks. It’s been reported that iceberg lettuce growers are thrilled to pick up the slack.

Thank you.

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MORPHINE MANIA: 9:03 P.M. This is, so far, working out quite well. The double dose of extended release Morphine has helped to relieve a great deal of my chronic pain, and tomorrow I’ve promised myself to try walking from the family room to the study … probably around 11 a.m. after my hospice nursing aide (Letitia) finishes helping me bathe. She usually shows up by 10:30.

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National humiliation Donald J. Trump, frequently known as the Manhattan orangutan, has made headlines lately with repeated threats to pardon himself — referring to it as an “absolute power” of the presidency — if he receives an indictment from Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Know what? DO IT, DONALD! Pardon your pathetic self so you’ll qualify for INSTANT IMPEACHMENT!

National humiliation Donald J. Trump, the Manhattan orangutan.

Republican Congressmen, former White House attorneys and Department of Justice officials, and even old, repulsive former GOP Speaker-of-the-House Newt Gingrich, all agree that the slightest move to pardon himself would launch an immediate cry for Trump’s impeachment from both sides of the aisle. A self-pardon is illegal, ill-advised and completely unconstitutional. Go on, Donald … DO IT!

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Thank you for reading this, and I mean this most sincerely.