Don’t poo-poo Paducah.

I am NOT HAPPY tonight. Not happy one tiny little bit. And why am I not happy? Because of reasons, which are listed for you below. Thank you.

MY MAC WAS INVADED BY EVIL FORCES. A couple of hours ago I was attempting to download a font called “Ramberos” from iFonts.xyz when a virus from the pit of hell tried to hijack my Mac. Satan dumped a bogus version of Adobe Flash Player into my Applications folder along with thousands of files and changed my default Firefox browser home page from The Howdygram to a ridiculous search engine in Viet Nam. When I finally calmed down — yes, I was temporarily hysterical — I figured out what I had to do and deleted the bullshit files. It took almost 45 minutes to dump them all ... and then I sent an email message to tech support at iFonts.xyz to tell them what happened. FIX THIS IMMEDIATELY OR I’LL STOP DOWNLOADING YOUR FREE GODDAMN FONTS!

APPARENTLY “THE ASSHOLE” IS SO FREAKED OUT by the scope of his responsibilities as President that he wants his three adult children — i.e., Dumb, Dumber and The Fuckable Daughter — to have TOP SECRET SECURITY CLEARANCE. Can we guess why? Maybe because dad is too fucking stupid understand the functions of government! Trump is in way over his head, people, but if you try to throw him a life preserver I’ll beat you unconscious with my cane!

---

Our latest bizarre cinematic “gem” is none other than The Gang’s All Here (1943), a Busby Berkeley musical extravaganza starring Alice Faye, Carmen Miranda, Edward Everett Horton and Charlotte Greenwood. You can just imagine, right?

The plot is a silly mistaken identity World War II-era romance featuring a rich playboy soldier (James Ellison) who’s home on leave and visiting a swanky night club, where is falls in love with a showgirl (Alice Faye) who has way better clothes and manicures than the rich playboy soldier’s actual millionaire girlfriend. Just for fun 20th Century Fox also decided to throw in Carmen Miranda performing the most iconic song of her career, “The Girl in the Tutti Fruitty Hat.” At one point she also appears with ten stories of fruit piled on top of her head flanked by hundreds of dancers swinging life-size bananas.

You absolutely don’t want to miss Carmen with the amazing Benny Goodman, performing an idiotic number called “Paducah.” I’ll include a video clip for you here. (Listen for the line: “You can’t poo-poo Paducah.” Sam and I almost choked on our cheeseburgers.)

---

Holy crap and glorioski, everybody ... I’m pleased to announce that December is MYRNA LOY MONTH on Turner Classic Movies! They”ll be showing 61 of her best films on Fridays all month long. Warm up your DVR, people. Here’s TCM’s list of Myrna movies for December 2 and 9; my personal recommendations are indicated by a teeny red star. (I’ll list the rest of them a few days from now.)

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 2

When a Man Loves (1927) with John Barrymore
The Desert Song (1929) with John Boles
The Great Divide (1929) with Dorothy Mackaill
 Noah’s Ark (1928) with Dolores Costello and Noah Beery
The Show of Shows (1929) ★ with a cast of thousands
The Devil to Pay! (1930) with Ronald Colman
Arrowsmith (1931) ★ with Ronald Colman
Consolation Marriage (1931) ★ with Irene Dunne and Pat O’Brien
The Truth About Youth (1930) ★ with Loretta Young
The Squall (1929) with Loretta Young and Zasu Pitts

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 9

The Naughty Flirt (1931) with Paul Page
The Animal Kingdom (1932) with Ann Harding and Leslie Howard
Emma (1932) ★ with Marie Dressler and Jean Hersholt
The Mask of Fu Manchu (1932) with Boris Karloff and Lewis Stone
New Morals for Old (1932) with Robert Young
Rebound (1932) with Ina Claire
The Wet Parade (1932) with Lewis Stone and Neil Hamilton
Love Me Tonight (1932) ★ with Maurice Chevalier and Jeanette MacDonald
The Prizefighter and the Lady (1933) ★ with Walter Huston and Max Baer
Night Flight (1933) ★ with John Barrymore and Clark Gable
Thirteen Women (1932) ★ with Irene Dunne
Scarlet River (1933) with Tom Keene
Penthouse (1933) ★ with Warner Baxter
The Barbarian (1933) ★ with Ramon Novarro

---

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.