Sam thinks the key to my knee pain is the inclement weather we’re expecting.

Yo, everybody. Obviously it’s been a while since my last Howdygram post — almost six days! — and that’s because I’ve been so fucking MISERABLE. For instance, I’m struggling with: 1) such intense joint pain that I can barely move my arms, legs, knees, feet or ankles; 2) urinary tract spasms every time I pee, even without a catheter; 3) tremors in my hands, wrists and fingers and mouth that make it difficult to type or even talk; and 4) sleeping for eight to 14 hours at a time, multiple times every day. Believe it or not, I haven’t seen daylight for almost a whole week, because I’m typically awake all night and finally conk out before sun-up every morning. Last week I even slept through more than one C.N.A. visit (I get a bath every day) and my Friday appointment with a hospice R.N. named Rachel!

My life is really fucked up. Thank God for Progresso soup.

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I should also thank God for free fonts, because without this addiction I don’t know what I’d do with all my spare time. To tell you the truth, though, I’m snagging fewer and fewer free fonts these days because I’m not really interested in most of them because they’re either boring or look too much like fonts I already have. Here are my latest acquisitions. Three pretty scripts and one display font (“Hilya”) that includes some really beautiful italics characters. Download links will appear below the graphic. You’re welcome.

Hilya • Casanova • Bailey • Conelly • Berlindah • Dulce Chico • Fort Smith

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My favorite digital artist with an Etsy store — “Things by Lary” — had a 60% off sale over the weekend, so I couldn’t resist adding some gorgeous and useful background textures to my design arsenal. I may feel like crap right now but my creative juices are exploding all over the place. All of these packages are only $1.49 for 100 high-resolution files. That’s a lot of affordable inspiration, isn’t it?

The two collections featured below were $1.99 each for 254 colors … all of them seamless and also on sale for 60% off. I’m so excited I can’t stand it.

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Between naps I’ve been busy creating new greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. For your possible interest, here are a few of my latest designs:

It occurs to me that I never bother to include the inside sentiments with my new greeting card designs. Therefore, here you go …

1. Well, not actually fire, because fire is dangerous. So maybe just a super-humid room, then. But not too humid, because, you know … my hair.
2. You’re one of them! Happy anniversary.
3. I got you this pleasant piece of cardboard, folded in half. Happy birthday.
4. A great mom turns them off first. Happy birthday.
5. Happy birthday from all of us.

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It’s Monday afternoon now, a few minutes past 4:30, and I’ve been waiting for my C.N.A. to show up since 2 p.m. for my bath and hygiene session. SHE’S NEVER ON TIME. While I always find tardy people irritating, in this case it’s even worse because I woke up today at 1 p.m. and decided to postpone lunch until after my bath. Which means I’M STARVING.

However, in addition to imminent starvation I’m also dealing with intense pain right now in my GODDAMN RIGHT KNEE. It’s so awful I don’t know how I’ll ever survive my bath … especially when it’s time to roll over on my side. I almost can’t stand the weight of my fleece blanket!

Click here to view a detailed explanation of our Shit-O-Meter results.

Sam thinks the key to my knee pain is the inclement weather we’re expecting here … and he may be right! We’ve got thunderstorms coming tonight followed by falling temperatures and a chance for freezing rain and sleet — being called “a wintry mix” on our local news channel — overnight Tuesday into Wednesday morning. My joints are screaming, so I’ve been entertaining myself with Hydrocodones and my favorite Danny Kaye movies: The Court Jester (1955), The Inspector General (1949) and Wonder Man (1945). I’ve got all three stored on our DVR along with Hans Christian Andersen (1952), The Kid from Brooklyn (1942) and A Song Is Born (1948). I think I’ll ask Sam to nuke a bag of Lowrey’s pork rinds (my beloved zero-carb crunchy snack) and drag out my container of sour cream and onion dip.

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Thank you for reading this. Seriously.