It’s been quite a weird day for taste buds around here.

Yo, boys and girls, and a happy Friday night to you and yours! It’s 9:35 p.m. as I write this post … and I’m feeling peppy, cheerful, silly, and fucking annoyed … because Sam just discovered that my hospice C.N.A. screwed up badly when she was here this afternoon for my Friday bathing and hygiene session. Apparently she forgot to shut the valve on my catheter bag after she emptied it … so my catheter had been pouring itself onto the carpeting for six fucking hours! Disturbing, sad, aggravating, sloppy. We’re not happy.

My oxygen generator just died. It became obvious when water started pouring out of my cannula.

Every now and then I have an exceptionally wonderful week … and this is one of them! For your possible interest I’ll itemize the aforementioned exceptionally wonderful events. Thank you very much.

I STOOD UP ON MONDAY. Following some disappointing setbacks last week I honestly didn’t know whether or not I’d ever be able to stand again, so this was a complete and pleasant surprise. Therefore, after my hospice nurse finished her checkup on Monday afternoon I decided to spend some time using my computer workstation, which was accomplished by sitting on the side of my bed and Sam wheeling the computer desk over to me. Then I asked for some time on the commode, which (of course) involved standing up. And I’m delighted to report that I stood easily, used the commode to successful completion (draw your own conclusion), stood up a second time while Sam wheeled the hospital bed behind me again. The entire hoo-hah was easier, less painful and less stressful than either of us expected. Thank God. I’m feeling very encouraged and empowered now.

I’m definitely off schedule. Forgive me.

Hello, shalom and how’s-the-family from the best little hospital bed in Texas! Our busy Monday afternoon finally calmed down into a lazy, quiet evening after visits from: 1) my hospice C.N.A. for Monday bathing and hygiene; 2) my hospice R.N. for a weekly checkup; and 3) our hospice social worker, Theresa the Bubbling Chatterbox, a woman who’s so perfectly suited to her profession it could make your brain explode.

We’ve had a lot of fucking rain around here. Almost seven times more than average. Whoa.

Yo. It’s a few minutes past midnight but I haven’t actually decided if I feel like writing a Howdygram post or not. I had a difficult and emotional day on Saturday that turned out to be another sad milestone in the deterioration of my overall health. For instance, Sam and I had to accept that I will no longer be able to get out of bed … not counting occasional use of my portable commode once or twice a week.

Milestone! I just ordered an electric ladies’ shaver and a package of 12 Scünci barrettes!

Friday evening is slowly slipping away from me. It’s 11:30 p.m., Sam is on the sofa nearby and I’m drifting in and out of sleep on my beautiful FULL-SIZE HOSPITAL BED here in the family room. No kidding, I’m already feeling a huge difference on my lower back and shoulders, and there’s also more room to move my legs and feet. And if I get bored I can ride up and down just for the hell of it. This is a very wonderful thing!

I need more sleep and I need it now. Thank you for reading this.

THURSDAY, 9/20/2018, 11:15 P.M. Good evening, boys and girls. Sam and I have been napping through some fine films tonight. So far these have included At War with the Army (1950) starring Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis and The Big Lift (1950) starring Montgomery Clift and Paul Douglas. Plus two episodes of “The People’s Court.”

I think the Alamo is worth remembering only if you don’t have anything else to do.

My very own hospital bed: DAY TWO.

After sleeping, living and eating for six years on a chaise lounge, my back and shoulders are still adjusting to the extra support from a traditional mattress. I know I’ll get used to this, because I had a good night’s sleep last night, that’s for sure.

I’m not so good with change any more, or anything new in my life.

I’m writing this post from the sublime comfort of my brand new AUTHENTIC, ADJUSTABLE HOSPITAL BED, right here in the family room at Howdygram headquarters! The bed was delivered late this morning, assembled in less than 15 minutes, and then Sam ran over to Wal-Mart to buy a set of twin sheets, laundered them, and then — here’s the screwy part — arranged for four paramedics from the Mesquite fire department to help me stand up from the chaise lounge and sit me down on the hospital bed. FOUR PARAMEDICS! When I finally got into bed and adjusted the height and knees and head, I was so damn exhausted that I conked out for five whole hours.

At long last, my chaise lounge will be replaced tomorrow by an authentic, full-size hospital bed.

I suppose I always knew this would happen eventually. Tomorrow morning my beloved chaise lounge, the virtual nerve center of Howdygram headquarters and the chair on which I’ve slept day and night in the family room for the last six years, will be replaced by an AUTHENTIC, FULL-SIZE HOSPITAL BED.

With enough good drugs a person can do anything!

Lazy, lazy, lazy. It’s 12:48 Monday morning, and I haven’t felt motivated or enthusiastic enough for two whole days to get up and sit at my computer workstation. I’m already psyching myself up for tomorrow, though. I’ll definitely get up tomorrow. My hospice C.N.A. will be here at 10:30 for our Monday bathing and hygiene hoo-hah, and afterwards I’ll load up on my opioids — liquid Morphine and 20mg of Hydrocodone — and do what I need to do. With enough good drugs a person can do anything!

Manischewitz Beet Borscht is the perfect way to spend a lazy summer afternoon.

FRIDAY, 8/14/2018, 9:57 P.M. It’s a quiet Friday night here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam is asleep on the sofa, mumbling, and I just placed fabulous online orders with Wal-Mart — a six-jar set of Manischewitz Beet Borscht for yours truly, 12 pairs of socks for Sam and an ear wax removal kit — plus two nice pairs of fluffy, lightweight athletic shoes from Amazon, obviously for Sam as well because I haven’t been able to walk since the spring of 2012. Incidentally, I have a quick question about Fruit of the Loom’s ridiculous packaging claim: What the fuck are “EVERYDAY CUSHIONED ANKLES?”

Tonight’s late-night bedside buffet will include Del Monte zucchini and a jar of pickled beets.

It’s definitely been an annoying day around here. For starters, we’ve had too damn many stinking interruptions, including: 1) my hospice C.N.A. at 10:30 this morning for routine bathing and hygiene baloney; 2) two Wal-Mart deliveries; 3) a prescription delivery from the hospice pharmacy; and 4) I think that’s it. And with regard to item #2, we did not receive the canned Keystone Beef that I was expecting, and this was the third time that UPS rescheduled my delivery this week. The swine!

Severe abdominal pain, backed-up kidneys and the nurse from hell.

When it’s a few minutes past midnight, would you think that it’s late Monday night or early Tuesday morning? For the sake of clarity I’ll have to go with early Tuesday morning and continue to move on with my Howdygram post. Deal with it, okay?

For a change please do your best not to forget the Alamo. Also, L’Shanah Tovah, y’all.

Happy Sunday morning, boys and girls! It’s a few minutes past 11 a.m. and I thought it might be huge fun to get started on today’s Howdygram post as there really isn’t anything else to do whatsoever. I’m lying quietly on the chaise lounge in the family room with a cannula stuffed up my nose, enjoying the steady glub-and-gurgle of my oxygen generator. So … how’s the family?

We’re awarding our five-chopper rating to Betty Crocker’s Mug Treats Cinnamon Rolls.

I was hoping to begin this post with “good morning,” but since it’s already after 11 p.m. there’s really no point bothering with a meaningless greeting. It was, however, a productive day hereat Howdygram headquarters! Sam went to the mall after lunch to shop for that elusive jeans belt he wants for his trip to California next week, and when he got home I asked him to help me sit up for a while at my computer workstation. Unfortunately, because [URGENT HEALTH ALERT] I’m unable to walk any more, Sam has to whisk the chaise away from behind me as soon as I’m on my feet and replace it with the bench I use when I sit at my computer … and apparently he’s even made a scientific study of exactly how long it takes to rearrange each piece of furniture with minimum disruption so I won’t have to stand any longer than absolutely necessary. I’ve never felt more pathetic in my entire life, and Sam has never been more wonderful. Is my man magnificent, or what?!

Eight days and counting … Sam goes to California and I go to a nursing home!

TUESDAY, 9/4/2018, 11:20 P.M. Hi-de-ho everybody and a happy Tuesday to y’all. It’s late Tuesday night, Sam is asleep on the sofa with Mister Furry — our oversized faux mink blanket — and I’m holding down the proverbial fort from a useful vantage point on the chaise nearby, here in the family room at Howdygram headquarters. Earlier today Sam made a trip to the store (Wal-Mart, of course) for a fresh load of Popsicles, canned zucchini, yogurts, Chef Boyardee Ravioli, frozen sausage biscuits and several dozen bottles of Clear American fruit-flavored sparkly waters. Tomorrow Sam will hit the mall to buy a new jeans belt for his trip to California next week, something that will impress his friends and relatives. You know what fashion mavens those Californians are!

In celebration of Urethra Franklin, I had my catheter changed this afternoon.

I’ll begin my post today with a Happy Labor Day greeting to all my American readers … featuring a sparkly graphic with stupid blinking hoo-hahs that will probably give you an aneurysm if you stare at it too long. Maybe you’d better continue reading my post and scrolling down. Thank you.

I spent most of the day today feeling itchy, achy, raspy, gaspy, lousy, crappy, creepy and pissed.

I didn’t write a Howdygram post on Saturday due to poor health. Or rather, poorer than usual health, as I spent most of the day feeling itchy, achy, raspy, gaspy, lousy, crappy, creepy and pissed. Also feverish. Saturday night wasn’t much better, and Sunday wasn’t either. As a matter of fact, after I took my breakfast-time meds this morning I apparently fell back asleep until Sam purposely woke me up at 5 p.m. because he was getting nervous. So I ate a quick meal (leftover canned beef with a bunch of nice canned whole potatoes) and a pair of Popsicles for dessert, took more pills and decided I should make an effort to catch up with a nice juicy Howdygram post.