Today I’m giving away free waterproof fonts for a rainy Wednesday morning.

I have to type this Howdygram post as fast as I can before the pain kicks in. It’s 8:45 a.m. — and I actually feel not too lousy right now — but I know it won’t last for three reasons: 1) it NEVER lasts; 2) it’s a day of the week ending in “y”; and 3) it’s raining here, and my joints ALWAYS hurt when it rains! In case you give a crap, here’s a screen shot of our forecast from Weather.com. Naturally, Sam is flying home from Seattle tomorrow.

McDonald’s latest fiasco? A “nutrient-rich” kale salad with more fat and calories than a double Big Mac.

Happy Saturday morning from partly cloudy, slightly chilly north Texas, home of Howdygram headquarters, where I’ve decided to spend my entire day involved in the four exciting activities listed here: 1) taking prescription painkillers; 2) sleeping a lot due to item one; 3) designing thankyou notes for my new Zazzle store; and 4) playing with Sam because he’s on vacation and doesn’t have to go back to work until February 15.

Runaway cows invade Mesquite, Texas.

Holy cow, people — and I mean this literally — I’ve got TWO HUGE AND JUICY NEWS STORIES for you today, and neither of them have anything whatsoever to do with Republicans for a change.

Coming soon to Mesquite: World-famous gas station tacos!

It’s a few minutes past 2 a.m., Sam just went to bed and I’m here in the study with a Marcytini, a small platoon of Russell Stover sugar-free marshmallow Santas and the Howdygram. Welcome to my world. I guess you’re stuck with me.

Answer me this: Do South African burglars routinely stop to take a dump before they steal the silverware?

Welcome to Insomnia Central. It’s 5:30 a.m., I’ve been awake since 4:45 and I’m parked comfortably at my desk with a teeny bottle of Coke Zero (from the mini-fridge here in the study) and two Russell Stover sugar-free peanut butter cups. I really want to go back to bed at some point because I’ve got a JAM-PACKED AGENDA this morning that includes visits to CVS for my annual flu shot and then to Mesquite City Hall to sign me up for the MTED program. In case you’re interested, MTED stands for Mesquite Transportation for the Elderly and Disabled, and as a handicapped old lady with shitty knees, nerve-damaged feet and a cane I qualify for the city’s free door-to-door bus service so I can get to my doctor appointments in case Sam can’t take me one of these days.

Dead body alert.

I just read a news story that local law enforcement is asking for tips about the murder of a dead dude named Eddie who was found Monday night in a Dodge pickup at a strip mall on Town East Boulevard ... RIGHT HERE IN MESQUITE! Eddie was taken to Baylor University Medical Center where he was pronounced still dead. Witnesses saw an Einstein running from the scene, so if If you know anything concrete or just want to take a wild guess please call the Mesquite police at (972) 285-6336. Thank you.