There’s no such thing as too much gravy.

Yo, people, and I’d like to extend my best wishes for a very HAPPY FRIDAY to you and yours! I didn’t have time to write a Howdygram post yesterday in-between naps, two hypoglycemic episodes and Melvyn Douglas movies, so I’ll do my best to make amends for it RIGHT NOW. Thank you.

Because one very pronounced symptom of hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) is OVERWHELMING HUNGER, yesterday’s episodes propelled me to a few favorite websites for large quantities of strange food. To begin, here’s what I ordered from my pals at Wal-Mart: 1) Manwich; 2) jalapeño kettle chips; 3) Chester’s spiral poppers and cheesy puffcorn; and 4) another dozen pouches of Libby’s crumbly seasoned beef (regular and spicy) for whiny senior citizens with shitty knees who can’t stand at the stove and cook things any more.

Ah, but there’s more! After loading up on bags of cheap crunchy crap I turned to Russell Stover for a large quantity of sugar-free marshmallow pumpkins and several bags of their brand new sugar-free “cake truffles” ... BIRTHDAY CAKE truffles, RED VELVET CAKE truffles and CHOCOLATE CAKE truffles. Holy crap, right?

I also stopped at Amazon for some high-quality entertainment, including two excellent movies on DVD — The Old Dark House (1932) and The Court Jester (1955) — and an industrial-size canister of McCormick country gravy. THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH GRAVY.

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Earlier today I sent Sam to Wal-Mart for half an hour of CRITICAL GROCERY RESEARCH after recently discovering a bunch of truly exciting products online that I never knew existed. So I printed out a sheet of full-color images with appropriate aisle designations — i.e., “frozen food,” “near the deli,” “same aisle as Vienna sausages” and so on — so he could try to find them for me. My list included Ball Park fully-cooked flame-grilled hamburger patties in two different flavors (CHEESE and ONION!), Tyson microwave meat loaf, Tyson chicken-fried steak patties, frozen Skyline chili from Cincinnati and Wal-Mart’s store brand sugar-free chocolate-covered graham crackers. Since I’m a mostly-housebound senior citizen who hasn’t set foot inside a supermarket for YEARS, Sam called me on Face Time when he got to the store so I could ride up and down the aisles with him. It’s a cheap thrill, people, and I highly recommend a trip to Wal-Mart via iPhone because you don’t have to wear shoes or a brassiere.

Unfortunately, I’m grieved to report that the only product Sam found was the Ball Park fully-cooked flame-grilled hamburger patties, a situation that might have been exacerbated by two key facts: 1) Sam loses his patience really fast in grocery stores; and 2) our Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market doesn’t actually carry the rest of this crap. I’m positive we’d have better success at the Wal-Mart Supercenter on I-30 instead but only if hell freezes over first because Sam would never in a million years go anywhere near a Wal-Mart Supercenter. I CAN’T EVEN GET HIM TO DRIVE INTO THE PARKING LOT, not even for cash money. I’ve tried the popular “I’ll give you fifty cents if you’ll drive into Wal-Mart’s parking lot” incentive, but nothing sways him. Nothing!

In case you’re interested the following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) our Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market on Town East Boulevard; C) the Wal-Mart Supercenter on I-30; and D) an apartment on Town Center Drive across the street from Olive Garden where a couple of local cops just found the body of Jimmy Jackson. If you know killed Jimmy please call the Mesquite police at (972) 285-6336.

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And finally, as long as I’m still stuck on the topic of FOOD I’d like to share this happy little video of a tiny hamster winning a hot dog eating competition against Takeru Kobayashi, the Japanese competitive eating champ who holds six Guinness world records for stuffing his face with hot dogs, meatballs, Twinkies, hamburgers, pizza and pasta.

Thank you for your ongoing support.