Don’t forget cheap foil pans, cheap cream of mushroom soup and cheap Christmas elves at Dollar Tree.

Believe it or not, it was my plan to write a second Howdygram post yesterday — BLACK FRIDAY! — but I didn’t find time to sneak it in between 11½ hours of naps. THAT IS NOT A TYPO. My first nap of the day commenced at 9:15 in the morning and lasted until 2:30. I slept again from 4 until 7, ate dinner, and conked out again from 8:15 until 11:30, at which time I decided to take a nice hot shower, shlep into the study and consume a couple of Russell Stover sugar-free marshmallow Santas. In case you’re interested, Sam napped even more than I did on Friday and together we managed to sleep through several excellent movies, including: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (1947) starring Danny Kaye and Virginia Mayo; Dial M for Murder (1954) starring Grace Kelly and Ray Milland; and Trader Horn (1931) starring Harry Carey, Duncan Renaldo and Edwina Booth as a “white savage.”

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It’s time once again for another report from our I Get Better Email Than You Do department, featuring all the exciting messages that currently reside in my inbox. Thank you for putting up with this silly crap.

• Shop Schwan’s Black Friday sale on assorted frozen whatnots, including Lemon Pepper Chicken that gets not-so-hot reviews and a box of ubiquitous Sausage, Egg & Cheese biscuits. 
• Take 10% off insulin pump supplies, glucose monitors and foot cream at American Diabetes Wholesale. The perfect choice for your office grab-bag!
• Don’t miss the Black Friday sale at Envelopes.com. Seriously, people, can there be a more low-tech product on the planet than ENVELOPES?  
• Save 5% — yes, friends, FIVE STINKING PERCENT — on a pack of four Lou Malnati’s frozen deep-dish Chicago-style pizzas from Tastes of Chicago. That’s $4.29 off on an $85.99 order. Why even bother? 
• The KC Kosher Co-op has extended my order deadline to Sunday for the December 15 delivery at a snooty house in Dallas, allowing ample additional time to stock up on blintzes and kosher chickens.

• It’s time for Blambot’s annual 30% off sale on comic book fonts.
• Received my Deals of the Week newsletter from Netrition.com featuring Nature’s Way Sambucus Drops and Muscle Pharm Combat Bars. What the hell? 
• Free shipping if I spend a million dollars at Lone Star Western Decor.
• Comicraft has introduced a new comic book font called Merry Melody for only $49.
• Our monthly AT&T bill is ready to be viewed online. Holy shit. No thanks.  
• Don’t forget cheap foil pans, cheap cream of mushroom soup and cheap Christmas elves at Dollar Tree.

• Received a very nice email from the North Texas Food Bank to thank us for our Thanksgiving donation. You’re welcome. Got any leftovers?
• Helpful tips from AT&T U-Verse for using our remote control. It’s really too bad I usually delete bullshit emails like this because TODAY I ACTUALLY LEARNED SOMETHING! If you press “fast forward” when you’re browsing in the Guide mode you can skip ahead 24 hours at a time, and if you accidentally miss all or part of a show you can press Info to see other show times and then record it from the beginning. These tips are so damn exciting I can hardly stand it.

• Amazon shipped my order for Strunk & White’s The Elements of Style but there’s no tracking number because the seller is a cheap jerk who ships everything “economy” through the post office.
• Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours from the Mustard Museum. Same to you, pal, and many more!

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Know what? I want to do a couple of paragraphs about some fine upcoming movies on TCM but it’s already 3:30 in the morning and I should probably call it a night already and go to bed for a few hours. I’ll postpone the movie crap until later, okay? Thank you for reading this.