Monday, August 29, 2016

Inspiration and deep thoughts from Ryan Lochte: “Water is practically part of my life.”

I hate it when I can’t keep promises I make to myself. For instance, I promised myself I’d finish uploading my latest 17 bottle opener designs for The Howdygram Store ... and then I totally FORGOT due to a seriously annoying health-related incident — a “leakage” hoo-hah that happened twice in two days — to which I always respond by falling asleep and remaining unconscious for as long as possible (and as often as possible) until I don’t feel depressed about it any more. Most recently it was a six-hour nap that ended at 1:30 in the morning — about 90 minutes ago — and so here I am, wide awake with a cup of sugar-free Hawaiian Punch and a couple of mostly-stale pretzel rods.

FYI, here’s a visual sampling of my latest bottle opener designs for your possible interest. These are actually professional-grade steel “bar keys” — measuring 1½" x 7" — exactly like the tool used by your favorite bartender, except these cuties all have MATCHING COASTERS AND PLAYING CARDS so you can give them as stocking stuffers or a thoughtful housewarming gift! Woo hoo!
In any event, I’ll try to continue uploading my designs after Sam leaves for work on Monday. This is actually a lot more time-consuming than you’d expect. I have to assign descriptive product titles, write a unique product description for each and assign five to 10 search keywords.

You probably haven’t noticed, but yesterday I was tweaking the Howdygram’s color theme and HTML coding again and finally figured out how to swap the text colors I use for my links and “hover” colors — #724707 (dark brown) and #000000 (black) — without automatically changing the post headlines, too. For the last seven years I thought if I changed link colors in my posts (and in the sidebar) the headlines had to behave the same way. This is yet another amazing accomplishment for yours truly, because I haven’t kept up with the latest techniques in HTML coding (I’m retired, remember?) and don’t really have any more fucks left to give, anyway. But I figured it out just the same!

Please raise your hand if you have no idea what I’m talking about. We can move on now.

I’ve got some fine-looking FREE FONTS for you today, featuring a few interesting scripts and a bunch of unique display fonts. My personal favorites here are “Falkin Serif,” “Falkin Script,” “Handy Casual” and “Meeko.”

While I’m at it I’d also like to share my latest batch of high-resolution background images. Some were really cheap (the vintage floral packages) and the others were ABSOLUTELY FREE because several months ago I signed up for Creative Market’s weekly free goods email flyer, which gives you a chance to download six things for free every Monday so you can “test drive” products from an assortment of designers. Today I grabbed the Watercolor Feathers, the Turquoise Abstracts and (not pictured) a collection of six huge high-resolution photos of tulips. I can use the photos in my greeting card designs for The Howdygram Store. I LOVE FREE SHIT!

And now ... inspiration and deep thoughts from Ryan Lochte, an all-around moron and America’s favorite disgraced Olympian. I’d be surprised if this clown knows how to tie his own shoes.
And living up to his new reputation as a national embarrassment, last week ABC-TV announced that Lochte will be featured on the new season of “Dancing with the Total Losers” along with other D-list celebrities like Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady). I’ve never watched this show but it might be worth a shot just to see Lochte make an ass of himself. “Dancing” premiers on September 12. Let’s make popcorn!

Today I’d like to review Maruchan’s Yakisoba Cheddar Cheese Noodles, a very tasty product that’s actually better than any of the run-of-the-mill instant mac & cheese things from Kraft. And Maruchan gives you an adult-size portion. Thank you, Maruchan! The Howdygram is pleased to award Maruchan’s Yakisoba Cheddar Cheese Noodles with our four-chopper rating.
Preparation is a no-brainer. You peel back the cover about halfway, remove the sauce packet, add water to the fill line and nuke for four minutes. That’s it. Let the noodles relax for 60 seconds after they’re through in the microwave and then then stir in the contents of the cheese sauce packet. That last part isn’t really very easy to accomplish, though. The noodles are long like spaghetti and you wind up with cheese powder sailing all over the room. However I’ve been working on my noodle-flipping techniques because I’m pretty sure it’s worth the extra effort.

Many thanks for stopping by tonight. I’ve just decided to take some drugs and hang out in the family room watching movies until Sam gets home from work, at which time I’ll receive comprehensive foot care from Rootin’-Tootin’ Sam’s Wild West Toenail Clinic. This includes: 1) toenail trimming; 2) toenail filing; 3) examination of both feet with a high-beam flashlight; 4) heel maintenance; and 5) sugar-free pudding afterwards.

Sugar-free pudding is actually the best part.

Thank you for reading this.

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