You don’t have to be a breathing fossil to sign up for Consumer Cellular.

I’ve got a number of significant news items to share with you this morning. As per my usual style I’ll present them to you in neatly-subtitled paragraphs. You’re welcome.

HOW TO SAVE A FORTUNE ON CELL PHONE SERVICE. In my last post I promised to tell you how we’re saving big bucks by switching Sam’s cell phone from AT&T to Consumer Cellular. Please take notes and tell your friends!

Sam has been paying $52.01 to AT&T every month for his iPhone talk minutes and data. For equivalent service I’ve been paying Consumer Cellular $21.38. So here’s what I did. I added Sam’s iPhone to my Consumer Cellular account as an extra line for $9.50 a month — THAT’S THE WHOLE ENTIRE CHARGE ... only $9.50 a month! — and we share minutes, text and data. If we go over our monthly plan limit, Consumer Cellular will bump us up to the next level in $5 increments with no penalties or surcharges. The upshot? Our total monthly Consumer Cellular bill is only $30.88 for two iPhones, plus: 1) talk minutes and data time are FREE for calls between our two cell phone numbers; and 2) we also get an AARP discount! Holy shit, right?

Even though Consumer Cellular is generally thought to be a service provider for old farts, you don’t have to be a breathing fossil to sign up and enjoy the savings. Young farts can do this, too! You can tell them Marcy sent you ... but it probably won’t help very much.

THE GREAT SLIPPER HOO-HAH OF 2016. My new Velcro-adjustable sheepskin slippers from OnlySlippers.com will be here sometime next week via FedEx. I guess this is good news even though the price makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve NEVER spent that kind of money for a stupid pair of slippers! Frankly I only decided to order them because the brand I’ve been wearing for more than 10 years — Soft-Fit — decided to go out of business and left my weird and swollen feet in the lurch. I always bought them from Footsmart. I even emailed their customer service team to find out why the only pair they have in stock is a size 7½ in baby blue. I might have to kill myself.

I LOVE MY NEW DISH NETWORK REMOTE. Lots of features, lots of channels, lots of menus, a huge amount of memory on the DVR and the speediest goddamn fast-forward on earth. You could actually have a brain hemorrhage if you watch the screen! The only downside (for me, anyway) is the teeny print below the buttons. In low light I can’t read ANY of them. I might have to memorize the location of every button on the remote and do a Helen Keller thing.

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Thank you for reading this and a million thanks for dropping in!