Everybody at DirecTV is a stinking psychopath.

You know what? I really didn’t plan to write about this again [see previous post] but I saw a news item online yesterday that changed my mind. Ready for this? Former Texas Governor Rick “Dumbass” Perry will join Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormick), Vanilla Ice and disgraced Olympian Ryan Lochte on season 23 of ABC-TV’s “Dancing with the Total Losers.” I honestly can’t think of anything more likely to make me puke than Rick Perry — or douchebag Ryan Lochte either, for that matter! — in sequined pants trying to do the mambo. Holy crap.

The new season of “Dancing with the Stars Total Losers” premiers September 12. I think it actually might be worth watching this time!

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Please allow me to introduce the latest addition to my arsenal of speedy, tasty and extremely cheap recipes for the housebound senior citizen who can’t stand up to cook things any more: THE REVISED AND WAY BETTER-TASTING MARCYTINI.

The old one, actually, was just an ordinary glass of Coke Zero on ice. The new one involves fancy ingredients like sugar-free Hawaiian Punch powder and diet ginger ale, from which you’ll get a fizzy pink drink that’s pretty enough to make your neighbors beat the door down.

You get started by diluting a skinny packet of sugar-free Hawaiian Punch Singles To-Go powder in a 16.9-oz. bottle of water. Then: 1) pour half a cup of Hawaiian Punch into a plastic tumbler; 2) add half a cup of diet ginger ale; 3) sprinkle in one or two packets of Equal; 4) stir like a maniac (it’s called “exercise,” okay?); and 5) add a pile of ice cubes.

Incidentally, the Marcytini is even fabulous with room-temperature flat ginger ale and no ice cubes. Sometimes at my desk I get desperate, but as long as it’s pink I’ll drink damn near ANYTHING. Seriously.
 
FYI, you can buy Hawaiian Punch Singles To-Go at Dollar Tree stores and on Amazon.

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So far this has been a banner week for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle. I’M MAKING SOME NICE SALES! I sold two customized spiral notebooks for bridal showers and today I noticed that somebody in Kent, England, ordered a couple of my cute cowboy-themed greeting cards. You’re probably thinking calm down, Marcy, this is no big deal ... but this is actually REALLY HUGE because The Howdygram Store is still considered “new” on Zazzle, so it’s fantastic that my designs are already showing up in their search results. Now I’m motivated to start designing more cute shit in earnest. I began last night by creating and ordering a case for my new iPhone 5S, which is pictured below for your possible interest, and I’ve got another 26 new designs for iPhones and Samsung Galaxies that I’ll start uploading to Zazzle over the weekend. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it.

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So here’s some big news ... for a variety of reasons that I’ll explain below, yesterday we canceled our AT&T U-Verse TV service and signed up with the Dish Network! Their installers were here this morning and left us with new equipment bolted to our roof plus a huge DVR receiver and a neat little easy-to-use remote with excellent buttons. And now for the reasons I mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph.

I JUST WANTED TO SAVE US SOME DOUGH. To surprise Sam I called AT&T a few days ago to lament that we’re spending $202 a month for Internet and cable TV with a nine-year-old DVR receiver, and I was hoping they’d offer me one of their specials, like dropping our price to match new customers (probably around $40 a month less) or a deal on one or more of our channel bundles. The upshot? NO FUCKING WAY. But the agent said I’d save big if we switched to DirecTV. (AT&T owns DirecTV.) So yesterday I called DirecTV for a quote on a TV and Internet package.

EVERYBODY AT DIRECTV IS A STINKING PSYCHOPATH. I wasted TWO HOURS on the phone with an agent at DirecTV yesterday, being maneuvered, flim-flammed and scammed through all kinds of bullshit, such as: “Mrs. Marks, let me tell you first what what we’re giving you for FREE!” The dude was fucking relentless. Finally I stopped him and said, “I don’t care what you’re giving me for free. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY MONTHLY BILL WILL BE!” After more than 90 minutes of battle here’s our final conversation:

        Him:  The total balance would be only $119.99 plus taxes and fees.
        Me:    How much WITH taxes and fees?
        Him:  $134.65.
        Me:    But that includes Internet, right?
        Him:  No, Mrs. Marks. Internet is $59.99 extra.
        Me:   I asked you for a “package” deal!
        Him:  Internet is not included.
        Me:    So my grand total per month is $194.64?
        Him:  Yes, Mrs. Marks.
        Me:   THAT’S ONLY EIGHT LOUSY DOLLARS LESS THAN AT&T!

When he started to toss in their one-time $21.99 installation charge — at half price! I should be so thankful! — and an extra $39.95 to ship my new equipment to the technicians — what the fuck is THAT all about? — I got sick of hearing his voice and just hung up.

THE DISH NETWORK IS 45% CHEAPER. After a 30-minute recovery period that included an emergency dash to the bathroom, I decided to try Dish Network. Except my phone battery was getting low so I snapped it into the charger and used the “live chat” feature on the Dish Network’s website. BIG MISTAKE. Apparently there was a time lapse thing going on, so the agent was always answering questions from two or three minutes ago until it got so confusing I wanted to tear my hair out. Eventually, though, I went with Dish Network’s Top 25o package (every channel God ever created) with free installation and free HD for life. Our total month bill for TV service is $91 with all taxes and fees included, which is $61 less than AT&T. As I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, the installers were already here first thing this morning — very friendly, and wearing nice uniforms and paper booties to protect my carpeting! — and everything is set up and working beautifully.

We didn’t switch our Internet service, however. We left it with AT&T. Dish Network’s Internet is too expensive and there’s a ridiculous $162 setup fee that I refused to pay on Sam’s behalf.

Also ...in my next post I’ll tell you how I saved us a ton of money by switching Sam’s cell phone service from AT&T to Consumer Cellular!

Thank you for reading this and may God bless the United States of America by getting rid of Donald Trump IMMEDIATELY.