Is Kim Kardashian styling the women’s track & field athletes in Rio?

Apparently I’m making a regular habit of middle-of-the-night Howdygram posts while normal people are asleep. I don’t know how I wound up on this idiotic schedule. When Sam shuffles off to bed at 11 p.m. like a regular person, I park myself in the study till sun-up with pretzel rods and Diet Sunkist. Jealous?!

Maruchan Yakisoba Spicy Chicken Japanese Noodles receives our coveted three-chopper rating.

Hello, people. It’s 2:30 Tuesday morning and I’ve been dragging my ass with this Howdygram post since shortly after lunch on Monday. Two naps, four hours of Olympics coverage and lots of drugs later, I figure I’ll start with a rewrite of my lede paragraph since what I ate for lunch 14 hours ago will interest nobody even though it was a semi-tasty tub of Maruchan Yakisoba Spicy Chicken Noodles followed by Wal-Mart peanut butter with a plastic teaspoon. In case you’re interested, Maruchan isn’t kidding about the “spicy” part.

Whatever happened to gigantic Germans throwing javelins?

I know you’ll forgive me for taking a four-day break from Howdygrammin’ due to all of the following sincerely valid and honest excuses. Open yourself a nice cold can of diet ginger ale and get comfortable, okay?

Why is beach volleyball still a thing at the summer Olympics?

Tonight I’ve got a kvetch report that pretty much takes the cake. I began the day (Sunday) by discovering that my pish looks like swamp water and the reason I was so miserable yesterday with a low-grade fever, joint pain and body aches is because — wait for it — I’VE GOT A URINARY TRACT INFECTION. Yes, friends, another one! Thank God I didn’t finish the medication (Ciprofloxacin) from my last infection in July; I started taking it again this morning and with any luck I’ve got enough pills to get rid of the symptoms.

Scammy crooks from AT&T tried to ruin our pleasant Friday night.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday from your friends at Howdygram headquarters. I’ve had a bizarre day that (so far) has involved only three activities: 1) sleeping; 2) adding nine relatives, one hairdresser, one doctor, two Chinese restaurants and a maid to the contact list on my beautiful new iPhone 5S; and 3) taking a shower. At the moment I’m waiting for Sam to call so I can order us a couple of juicy chicken burritos from Chipotle. He’ll pick them up on his way home from work, bless his heart. I’M STARVING.

Raise your hand if you remember Dong Dong, the Chinese trampoline superstar.

As the Rio Games approach — opening ceremonies are scheduled for 6 p.m. Friday, although I don’t know if that’s Eastern time or Central time — we have to wonder what’s really in store for the tens of thousands of athletes and spectators descending on the largest open sewer in the free world. In the meantime, though, kindly mark your calendar for some of these riveting and intensely popular athletic competitions: Kayaking on Tuesday, August 9; Table Tennis on Wednesday, August 10; and Trampoline on Friday, August 19.

My left foot hurts when I walk, talk, pish and breathe. It even hurts when I eat.

This was one of the worst weekends EVER for me, pain-wise. I don’t usually start two back-to-back posts with the same section and graphic, but this time I had no other choice. Mostly I think I’m having a severe neuropathy attack — does something like this even exist? — which has made me FUCKING MISERABLE. It’s my left foot, primarily: 1) two screaming toes; 2) the arch of my foot; and 3) the entire heel, all to the extent that it hurts when I sit, it hurts when I stand, and it hurts when I walk, talk, pish and breathe. And holy shit, it even hurts when I eat!