Scammy crooks from AT&T tried to ruin our pleasant Friday night.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday from your friends at Howdygram headquarters. I’ve had a bizarre day that (so far) has involved only three activities: 1) sleeping; 2) adding nine relatives, one hairdresser, one doctor, two Chinese restaurants and a maid to the contact list on my beautiful new iPhone 5S; and 3) taking a shower. At the moment I’m waiting for Sam to call so I can order us a couple of juicy chicken burritos from Chipotle. He’ll pick them up on his way home from work, bless his heart. I’M STARVING.

The opening ceremonies in Rio will start about half an hour from now on NBC. I hope you’re planning to watch! This is the first time the Olympics are being hosted in an open sewer with shit-covered mattresses and human body parts washing up on the beaches.

UPDATE: It’s 11:30 p.m. now. After spending the last five hours struggling to watch the Opening Ceremonies I would like to share the following four observations.

OBSERVATION #1. Brazil is a colorful, weird, demented country.

OBSERVATION #2. Their national anthem, which is played on the guitar, is a combination of the “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” theme song and “This Land Is Your Land.”

OBSERVATION #3. Since these athletes are supposed to be the fastest people on earth I think somebody should make them RUN into the stadium during the Parade of Nations. This will save a lot of time, and any athletes who aren’t track stars (i.e., swimmers, gymnasts, hammer-throwers) can be wheeled in on flatbed carts or carried piggieback. I’ve been watching this shitshow for five hours already and they’re not halfway through the alphabetical list of countries yet. When I woke up from a two-hour nap and heard “And here’s the nation of Guam!” I wanted to blow my brains out.

OBSERVATION #4. The commercials are EXCELLENT.

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Around 7:30 tonight just after we finished our Chipotle burritos with napkins and guacamole Sam answers a knock at the front door and steps outside to talk to somebody. About 30 minutes later he comes back inside and looks annoyed. He tells me it was an AT&T repair dude in an official shirt who wants to set up an appointment to replace all of our AT&T equipment (cable modem, DVR, etc.) with shiny new crap from DirecTV. Then he asks Sam for his Social Security number so he can check our credit. Sam refused to give him any information so the AT&T dude said he’d come back in about an hour to find out what we wanted to do.

What the fuck?! If this clown really works for AT&T, why would he need Sam’s Social Security number to check our credit? We’ve been AT&T customers for years! And knocking on doors after dark on a Friday night really seems like a cheesy way to get your customers to upgrade their equipment. Whatever happened to sending out email or a postcard mailer? WHO THE HELL ARE THESE SCAMMY CROOKS AND WHY ARE THEY BOTHERING US?!

We’re going to call AT&T on Saturday and read them the riot act. Thank you.

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Here’s a news flash for you: I’M NOT FEELING WELL. As of this hour my complaints include: 1) a fever of 98.8° (normal for me is around 97°); 2) watery eyes; 3) my hands are on fire; 4) tremors; 5) joint pain and body aches; 6) pinchy skin on the back of both thighs; and 7) the arch of my left foot feels like somebody whacked me with a mallet.

I’ve decided to make this my final paragraph because it hurts too much to sit at my desk right now and I’d rather recline on the chaise in the family room with TicTacs and watch an old William Powell movie. I’m considering The Kennel Murder Case (1933) co-starring Mary Astor. Shalom, y’all!