Trick or treat, smell my feet!

Let me launch this post with a rousing HAPPY FUCKING HALLOWEEN from the Howdygram! We enjoyed a dark and stormy day here in north Texas, with our first round of heavy thunderstorms plowing through around 8:30 a.m. … and I’m not kidding about this, either. It was definitely umbrella weather!

I’m so happy I could have a stroke … “Journey to the Center of the Earth” is on FXM this week!

Happy Monday morning from Howdygram headquarters! It’s 2:26 a.m., and I’m trying to amuse myself until Sam gets out of bed and moseys into the kitchen to turn on the coffeemaker. At that point it may also be bedpan time … an event that requires no additional explanation whatsoever. Deal with it, okay?

I’m launching a new line of custom iPhone cases for The Howdygram Store.

Yo. It’s 3:15 Sunday morning, Sam is in the study with a large pot of coffee, and I’m struggling through the bloody Russian Revolution with Nicholas and Alexandra (1971) starring Michael Jayston and Janet Susman. Mostly I love the parts with Rasputin because he’s such an obnoxious pig. However, if you really want to see a blistering screen portrayal of Rasputin you should check out Rasputin and the Empress (1932) starring Lionel Barrymore as the “mad monk,” Ethel Barrymore as the Czarina Alexandra and Ralph Morgan as the Czar. Lionel’s performance is absolutely brilliant, hysterically theatrical and over-the-top.

I’m having blintzes for lunch!

It’s the “wee hours” of Saturday morning. Sam is in bed and I should be asleep, too … except I’m not. Friday was a difficult day for me because I couldn’t get comfortable. My typical go-to plan is to lie my hospital bed flat, raise the knees all the way so I can slide myself down to the head of the bed, and then raise myself back up until I can focus my eyes on the TV again.

Incidentally, Sam has been suffering, too ... every miserable step of the way.

Without consulting anybody whatsoever I decided to forego composing Howdygram posts on Tuesday and Wednesday for a couple of solid reasons: 1) I didn’t want to; and 2) I spent both days sleeping off the stress, anxiety and pain from Monday. And it wasn’t just a shitshow for me, because Sam suffered, too … every miserable step of the way. By the time we finished with the “bedpan hoo-hah” around midnight on Monday we were so shredded, emotionally, that Sam decided to sleep in the family room with me and not go to bed at all.

This has been a day from hell.

SUNDAY, 10/21/2018, 2:57 P.M. There’s something yooge to report this afternoon: I’m using my iMAC WORKSTATION right now! Sam and I figured out how to set up the iMac on my rolling tray table, and because my new lap desk won’t be delivered until tomorrow (Monday) I’ve got the keyboard balanced on a sheet of ordinary foam rubber. It’s all working fine! As a matter of fact, there’s a chance that I may not need that new lap desk at all. Stay tuned! Woo-hoo!

I’m really anxious to get back to my creative life again.

Good morning to you, one and all. Also shalom in case you didn’t know, or had forgotten, that Sam and I are Jewish.

After comparing four potential new Medicare Advantage plans for 2019, I’m pleased to announce my decision! I’ve decided to sign up for the Blue Cross Medicare Advantage Choice Plus (PPO) with a $0 monthly premium. The other three plans also had a $0 monthly premium … but Blue Cross stood out from the rest with its cheaper drug coverage.

I’m getting some Stouffer’s stuffed peppers tomorrow. I love stuffed peppers!

Know what? Sam will probaby strangle me for this, but I want to show the world how adorable he is. Because I’m a bedridden coot and he’s my only caregiver, Sam spends a lot more time at home than he used to. Which means he occasionally looks for indoor projects to fill his free time … and maintenance of the master bedroom closet has been one of them. So here’s what Sam did with his summer polo shirts last week … now they’re perfectly organized by COLOR. When I saw this picture I squealed!

My new Senior Citizen Forklift is here. Part two.

MONDAY, 10/15/2018, 2:37 A.M. On Sunday afternoon Sam and I tried out my new Hoyer Lift. It had been here for several days already, but we were waiting for the new sling I ordered from Amazon. It came Sunday morning and involved a fucking ton of trial and error until we figured out how to use it without causing excruciating pain to the back of my miserable thighs, which are covered with a disgusting quarter-inch thick layer of dry crusty skin that peels off — and bleeds profusely — on contact. Sometimes I feel like a creature from a science fiction movie.

Get fabulous and very affordable eyeglasses from EyeBuyDirect.com.

Happy Saturday evening, boys and girls! I’d like to begin with a shameless commercial for my new best friend, EyeBuyDirect.com. My new eyeglasses came in the mail today, and I’m pleased to announce that they’re perfect in every imaginable way. Perfect fit, perfectly-ground lenses, perfect frames (mine are pictured below) … and an incredibly perfect price for progressive trifocals with anti-glare coating and UV protection. Only $108! And believe it or not, right now they’re running a yooge sale: BUY ONE GET ONE FREE!

My new senior citizen forklift is here. Whoa.

THURSDAY, 10/11/2018, 3:10 P.M. It’s here! It’s here! My new Senior Citizen Forklift — also known as a Hoyer Lift — finally showed up Wednesday afternoon around 5:30 p.m. along with a friendly young man named David who definitely did NOT want to see me naked … and even said so. (I was mildly insulted.) He provided Sam with some cursory information and operating instructions, but as soon as he left we knew we’d need a different style sling than the one that came with the lift, because it requires me to roll around in bed to get it on … and I don’t roll very easily. To tell you the truth, I can’t roll at all. So Sam said he’d do some investigation online to find a more comfortable (and easier-to-use) sling contraption. And here it is!

I’m still waiting for my Hoyer Lift and my progressive trifocals from EyeBuyDirect.com.

A quiet, pleasant Monday evening to you from north Texas! We’ve got fairly heavy rain passing through here right now … a comforting sound that apparently isn’t interrupting Sam’s serious nap on the sofa. It’s not interrupting me, either, as as matter of fact. I was enjoying a cute Joan Crawford movie — I Live My Life (1935) with Brian Aherne, the one where he’s an archaeologist on a Greek island — but I decided to turn it off altogether and work on this Howdygram post instead. I guess it’s time to get back on schedule now that my weekend visitors are gone!

We’ve got major USDA recalls for ham and eggs. America is a fucking mess!

It’s the “wee hours” of Sunday morning — 12:47 a.m., to be exact — and I’ve decided to begin a new Howdygram post rather than go to sleep, and sleep would be the sensible option right now as I keep nodding off.

If you don’t want to remember the Alamo, I have no problem with that whatsoever.

Here’s wishing y’all a very happy Saturday morning from north Texas! It’s actually 3:01 a.m. as I begin this post, and I hope you’ll allow me to paint the picture for you. Sam is asleep, I’ve finished my bedtime Popsicles, there’s an oxygen cannula up my nose and I just (finally) turned off the TV, as My Sister Eileen (1942) starring Rosalind Russell and Janet Blair doesn’t really offer much in the way of soothing background stimulation. It’s just noise.

I had a brainstorm yesterday. Tell Sam to call the paramedics!

I don’t know why I’m writing a Howdygram post when I really should be eating Popsicles and watching Lawrence of Arabia (1962) starring Peter O’Toole and Omar Sharif. Obviously I’m unable to make very wise decisions any more. Frightening, isn’t it?

At 3:45 a.m. this morning I ordered ritzy progressive trifocals with very adorable frames.

Happy high noon from Howdygram headquarters! The last 24 hours have been surprisingly eventful around here, as evidenced by the following …

MOBILE VISION, THE GRAND FINALE. On Monday morning Sam canceled my order with the annoying deadbeats at Mobile Vision for the extra pair of progressive trifocals they were supposed to make for me. They had forgotten about them for a whole goddamn month. We asked for a refund of our $342 and a copy of my prescription via email. By 3 p.m. I had received BOTH.

I can’t think of a title for this post. Sue me.

SATURDAY, 9/29/2018, 11:09 P.M. Sam and I are enjoying a highly pleasant Saturday evening around here even though I can’t really describe it in too much detail due to unexpected naps that wipe out most of my short-term memory. If I sound like a mess, you’re probably right. A few of my other difficulties include: 1) muscle cramps in my upper arms; 2) I keep forgetting to eat things; 3) coughing up lung crap; 4) being one thousand percent sick to death of the news; 5) Sam forgot to turn on my oxygen generator when he went to bed tonight; and 6) intermittent severe burning in my catheter tube that signifies, in conjunction with an ongoing low-grade fever, the arrival of another GUTI (goddamn urinary tract infection). I’m not especially happy or cheerful tonight. Meh!