Inspiration and deep thoughts from Ryan Lochte: “Water is practically part of my life.”

I hate it when I can’t keep promises I make to myself. For instance, I promised myself I’d finish uploading my latest 17 bottle opener designs for The Howdygram Store ... and then I totally FORGOT due to a seriously annoying health-related incident — a “leakage” hoo-hah that happened twice in two days — to which I always respond by falling asleep and remaining unconscious for as long as possible (and as often as possible) until I don’t feel depressed about it any more. Most recently it was a six-hour nap that ended at 1:30 in the morning — about 90 minutes ago — and so here I am, wide awake with a cup of sugar-free Hawaiian Punch and a couple of mostly-stale pretzel rods.

My life as a coot: Easy, speedy meals and fluffy slippers for lousy feet.

I’ve got so much excellent material for this Howdygram post that my brain will probably explode, but I guess the easiest way to get started is with a short list of important current events. Thank you for putting up with me.

Dr. Ben Carson is probably the worst goddamn campaign surrogate in history.

Yo, people! It’s 2:15 Friday morning and I should be asleep right now except I feel guilty that I haven’t written a Howdygram post since Tuesday, so I’ll sit here in the study and type until my pain meds kick in and I can’t focus my eyes. Thank you.

Introducing “Font U” and other Tuesday nonsense.

It’s 3 a.m. Tuesday morning and I’m wide awake. Looks like my new and improved normal sleeping schedule [see previous post] lasted only one stinking day. However I’ve decided to cut myself some slack and stop worrying about this. I’m a retired senior citizen with a pile of irritating health issues AND I’LL SLEEP WHENEVER THE FUCK I WANT. Thank you.

My summer activity schedule: Eat, watch a movie, fall asleep, repeat.

Happy Sunday to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters! With yoooge pride and delight I’d like to announce that I’M FINALLY ON A NORMAL SLEEP SCHEDULE, having officially conked out last night at 11:30 p.m. and waking this morning at 7. Even better, after a decent amount of really solid sleep I would also like to announce that my knees feel fine, I have no neuropathy pain whatsoever, and — best of all — I get to eat leftover Chinese for breakfast today! With a plastic fork!

“The Emperor Has No Balls.”

Hi, guys. Y’all may be pleased to know I’m feeling a lot better tonight, and whatever was ailing me got knocked out by lots of drugs, seven hours of sleep and the following images of  hilarious and creepy NAKED DONALD TRUMP STATUES that were unveiled in public areas of major cities all over America on Thursday by the anarchist art collective Indecline. Holy shit, they’re priceless! Trump is represented with a Mussolini face, mountains of flab, the classic old man ass and a grotesque micropenis. The statue is titled “The Emperor Has No Balls.” Enjoy, okay?

The “mute” switch is the iPhone feature from hell.

Can we talk? I’M NOT WELL. As I write this post I feel feverish, clammy, chilled, wracked with joint pain and body aches, plus: 1) my nose and eyes are running; 2) the skin on the back of my thighs is pinching and burning due to diabetic neuropathy; 3) I think somebody set my left foot on fire; 4) I’ve had a headache since late yesterday afternoon; 5) I can’t catch my breath; and 6) my bladder is trying to give out on me again and twice tonight I barely made it to the bathroom. I also have a hangnail and might be coming down with another urinary tract infection (my third in two months). In short, I feel like shit.

Is Kim Kardashian styling the women’s track & field athletes in Rio?

Apparently I’m making a regular habit of middle-of-the-night Howdygram posts while normal people are asleep. I don’t know how I wound up on this idiotic schedule. When Sam shuffles off to bed at 11 p.m. like a regular person, I park myself in the study till sun-up with pretzel rods and Diet Sunkist. Jealous?!

Maruchan Yakisoba Spicy Chicken Japanese Noodles receives our coveted three-chopper rating.

Hello, people. It’s 2:30 Tuesday morning and I’ve been dragging my ass with this Howdygram post since shortly after lunch on Monday. Two naps, four hours of Olympics coverage and lots of drugs later, I figure I’ll start with a rewrite of my lede paragraph since what I ate for lunch 14 hours ago will interest nobody even though it was a semi-tasty tub of Maruchan Yakisoba Spicy Chicken Noodles followed by Wal-Mart peanut butter with a plastic teaspoon. In case you’re interested, Maruchan isn’t kidding about the “spicy” part.

Remember, free fonts can be a thoughtful hostess gift.

Hi-de-ho, boys and girls, and happy Sunday morning from Howdygram headquarters! I have no plans whatsoever for today except for sending Sam to Wal-Mart for a prescription refill and a few essential groceries such as bread, watermelon and Ritz crackers. Also we’ll probably watch the Olympics on TV and take a nap. How about you?

I’m so consistent it’s almost terrifying.

Every once in a while a light bulb goes on in my head and I have an “a-ha” moment about something. Like early this morning, for instance, when I decided to change the Howdygram’s accent color from brown to a dark chili pepper red. So what’s the big deal, you ask? A year ago when Sam and I remodeled our kitchen and bathrooms I chose a gorgeous accent wall paint for the family room: “Rum Punch” from Pittsburgh Paints.

Introducing ugly fonts ... a sloppy new trend.

Hello. It’s 4:45 in the afternoon and I’m beating myself up for waiting almost five hours to start typing this post, because now it’s time to take my shower and grab a quick nap before Sam gets home from work. I’ve been parked at my desk since noon, diddling with a couple of dopey projects, surfing news stories online (mostly CNN and Raw Story), eating pretzel rods and drinking Diet Sunkist.

Whatever happened to gigantic Germans throwing javelins?

I know you’ll forgive me for taking a four-day break from Howdygrammin’ due to all of the following sincerely valid and honest excuses. Open yourself a nice cold can of diet ginger ale and get comfortable, okay?

Why is beach volleyball still a thing at the summer Olympics?

Tonight I’ve got a kvetch report that pretty much takes the cake. I began the day (Sunday) by discovering that my pish looks like swamp water and the reason I was so miserable yesterday with a low-grade fever, joint pain and body aches is because — wait for it — I’VE GOT A URINARY TRACT INFECTION. Yes, friends, another one! Thank God I didn’t finish the medication (Ciprofloxacin) from my last infection in July; I started taking it again this morning and with any luck I’ve got enough pills to get rid of the symptoms.

Scammy crooks from AT&T tried to ruin our pleasant Friday night.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday from your friends at Howdygram headquarters. I’ve had a bizarre day that (so far) has involved only three activities: 1) sleeping; 2) adding nine relatives, one hairdresser, one doctor, two Chinese restaurants and a maid to the contact list on my beautiful new iPhone 5S; and 3) taking a shower. At the moment I’m waiting for Sam to call so I can order us a couple of juicy chicken burritos from Chipotle. He’ll pick them up on his way home from work, bless his heart. I’M STARVING.

Is a “Babinski” a Polish baby deer?

It’s 5 a.m. here in north Texas and Sam is in bed. I’m drinking an ice cold can of diet ginger ale and just finished refilling my pill sorter for the week ahead. At this time of night I’m never really sure if I should go back to sleep or sit up for a few hours taking drugs and working on a Howdygram post. So many decisions ...

Raise your hand if you remember Dong Dong, the Chinese trampoline superstar.

As the Rio Games approach — opening ceremonies are scheduled for 6 p.m. Friday, although I don’t know if that’s Eastern time or Central time — we have to wonder what’s really in store for the tens of thousands of athletes and spectators descending on the largest open sewer in the free world. In the meantime, though, kindly mark your calendar for some of these riveting and intensely popular athletic competitions: Kayaking on Tuesday, August 9; Table Tennis on Wednesday, August 10; and Trampoline on Friday, August 19.

I almost got my new iPhone 5S today.

It’s 12:30 Monday afternoon, and here’s the latest juicy news from your favorite housebound senior citizen at Howdygram headquarters.