Raise your hand if you remember Dong Dong, the Chinese trampoline superstar.

As the Rio Games approach — opening ceremonies are scheduled for 6 p.m. Friday, although I don’t know if that’s Eastern time or Central time — we have to wonder what’s really in store for the tens of thousands of athletes and spectators descending on the largest open sewer in the free world. In the meantime, though, kindly mark your calendar for some of these riveting and intensely popular athletic competitions: Kayaking on Tuesday, August 9; Table Tennis on Wednesday, August 10; and Trampoline on Friday, August 19.

Raise your hand if you remember Dong Dong, the teeny Chinese trampoline superstar from the 2012 summer Games in London. Dong Dong is competing again in Rio (thank God) and might be the most unintentionally hilarious athlete EVER. The teeny dude takes bouncing very, very seriously, and in the following photo he’s either 250 feet in the air or farting with pointy toes. (He’s got the same facial expression for both activities.) Go Dong Dong!

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Ahh, fonts. I’ve been in love them them since my first Mac in 1984 — that’s 32 years in case you don’t do math good — and the passion still lives on! My collection is so fucking enormous that I had to create a sample catalog because God forbid I should forget one.

In any event, today I’ve got another huge batch of BREATHTAKING FREE FONTS for you, and none of them are “demo” fonts with missing numerals or punctuation. These are all complete, with swashes and alternate characters and multiple styles. I especially love “Citadina,” “Pewter,” “Salt & Pepper,” “Braveheart,” “Twilight Script” and “DK Bintang.” I’ll include download links below the graphic, okay? Feel free to pass these along to your friends and relatives.

VINDEMIA • ANTITHESIS • LB PIE • CITADINA • LA VIOLA • PEWTER • SALT & PEPPER
BLOOMING ELEGANT • BRAVEHEART • BLOOMSBURY • MIDNIGHT • TWILIGHT SCRIPT
BRUSHFIRE • SINFFONIA • DK BINTANG • DK ABEILLE • 123 BAMBOU

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I think I have time for an abbreviated kvetch report before I join Sam in the family room for an old movie and this week’s episode of “Deadliest Catch.” (Sig finally has the goddamn heart attack they’ve been promising all season.)

Tonight’s list of chronic ailments includes: 1) a hypothermic body temperature of 95.6°; 2) chills, body aches and a low-grade headache, all resulting from the aforementioned hypothermic hoo-hah; 3) searing pain in my left heel and arch; and 4) I’m having a problem with the velcro thing on my right slipper. Put them all together and I’m legitimately MISERABLE. The point is, I’d love to sit here typing baloney for another couple of hours but I just don’t feel well enough to do that. I want to stretch out on the chaise, suck a Tic Tac and watch TV. Forgive me, okay?

Thank you for reading this and don’t forget to floss.