I almost got my new iPhone 5S today.

It’s 12:30 Monday afternoon, and here’s the latest juicy news from your favorite housebound senior citizen at Howdygram headquarters.

Today’s delivery was a very large deal for a variety of reasons, including: 1) this is my very first iPhone; 2) this is also my first smart phone; 3) I’m so excited I could pish; and 4) it was shipped two-day Priority Mail with signature required ... but when the doorbell rang I couldn’t answer it. And that’s because it takes me so goddamn long to get to the front door that the mailman is already back in his truck and around the corner on Woodbluff Drive, which is exactly why I stopped trying to do shit like this about six years ago. For your possible interest the following aerial map illustrates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) the aforementioned mail truck around the corner on Woodbluff Drive.

Tomorrow we’ll make arrangements for Sam to pick up my iPhone from the post office on Wednesday. I’m so happy I could slap my grandmother ... although I actually didn’t know either of my grandmothers and I’d be willing to bet I wouldn’t want to slap them if I had. Jesus. I think I’m taking too many drugs.

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Caitlyn Jenner, the entitled hoo-hah previously known as Bruce, has announced her plan to write a tell-all book about gender transition and life with the Karsashians. Kris, naturally, has already filed a “cease and desist” order demanding a first-read before the book is published, and Caitlyn’s daughters and step-daughters are having an advance brain hemorrhage because the first paragraph has yet to be written.

It really makes you wonder what’s left to hide after 10 seasons of nonstop reality TV exposure on “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” I mean, these are the same daughters who sat around on national television trying to decide whose vagina* smelled the best after drinking a quart of  pineapple juice. How could Caitlyn’s book ever be worse than THAT?

*Kim won.

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Thought y’all might enjoy the following video of William Shatner performing a theatrical reading of a speech by Sarah Palin. Hot tip ... make popcorn first!

Thank you for reading this. I’ll have more new free fonts for you in my next post. Yay, right?