We ran out of silverware yesterday.

Howdygram headquarters is brimming with all kinds of important crap today! I’ll list everything for you below in cleverly-subtitled paragraphs so you’ll know what’s what.

THUMBNAIL FUNGUS UPDATE. It’s improving, people. The fungus under my right thumbnail is finally growing out ... slowly, like a bad perm. I’m pretty sure you’re as relieved as I am.

I’M RUNNING THE DISHWASHER. I had no choice. We ran out of silverware yesterday.

MY ORDER FROM SOUPS ONLINE ARRIVES TODAY. I’m expecting three bags of Bear Creek Hot & Sour soup mix and plan to use one tonight for dinner since it’s the primary ingredient in my latest recipe — Marcy’s Famous One-Pot Asian Food Feast for Senior Citizens — which appears elsewhere in this post.

I LAUNCHED THE HOWDYGRAM’S ANNUAL HALLOWEEN GIVEAWAY THIS MORNING. We’ve got TWO STUPENDOUS PRIZES this year, and all you have to do is enter by email for a chance to win! Check out the ad in the right sidebar or click here for details. Thank you and good luck.

COWBOYS VS. REDSKINS TONIGHT. Be sure to watch Monday Night Football and find out for yourself if the Cowboys will continue to NOT SUCK.

ANOTHER GENERATION OF VAIN, VAPID KARDASHIANS. I’m actually referring here to Kylie Jenner, Kim Kardashian’s youngest sister, who just turned 17 and already looks like she’s ready for a porn film. CHECK OUT HOW SHE’S CHANGED SINCE THE FIRST OF THE YEAR. This is actually frightening. The kid is still in high school and she’s had so much plastic surgery her lips look like INNER TUBES. Kylie’s after-school job — probably sanctioned and encouraged by her repulsive mother/manager — requires POSING FOR HALF-NAKED SELFIES and posting them on Instagram because obviously the world hasn’t been exposed to enough trashy Kardashians. Holy shit.

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Now that I’m fully recharged after a juicy 2½-hour afternoon nap I’d like to post a new recipe for senior citizens with mobility issues who can’t stand at the stove and cook things like normal people. Today I’m featuring MARCY’S FAMOUS ONE-POT ASIAN FOOD FEAST FOR SENIOR CITIZENS, which includes the following basic ingredients: one bag of Bear Creek Hot & Sour soup mix, one or two bags of Miracle Rice and one 12-oz. container of extra firm tofu.

FYI, Sam buys refrigerated tofu for me in the produce department at our local Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market. If you don’t have a Sam of your own to run errands you can also buy extra-firm tofu — the non-refrigerated kind — online. Try Amazon or Wal-Mart. (Wal-Mart is always cheaper.)

Here’s how to put it all together! Dump the Miracle Rice into a nice wire strainer and rinse it with warm water for a couple of minutes. (Please feel free to substitute an evil wire strainer if you so desire.) Then place the tofu on a paper plate and hack it into attractive cubes. This is a fast and painless activity even if you’re an old person with shitty arthritic hands and diabetic neuropathy because cubing tofu requires no strength or effort whatsoever. (Imagine cubing Jell-O.)

Now bring eight cups of water to a boil in a nice big soup pot, pour in the Bear Creek Hot & Sour soup mix and moosh it up with a whisk. Add the Miracle Rice and tofu cubes and then let everything simmer for 10 to 15 minutes. Presto ... A HUGE AND TASTY ALMOST-CHINESE MEAL IN ONE GLORIOUS POT!

If you don’t love this, there must be something wrong with you.

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