Welcome aboard the Ebola Magic, Carnival’s newest floating petri dish.

Ebola ... the gift that keeps on giving! Today we learn that a lab supervisor from Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital who most likely handled Thomas Eric Duncan’s infectious specimens IS ON A CARNIVAL CRUISE IN THE CARIBBEAN with 3,690 passengers, thereby creating the world’s largest floating petri dish from hell. And you thought norovirus was bad? Holy shit.

According to State Department spokesperson Jen Psaki, the unidentified hospital employee and a traveling companion have been isolated in their cabin, and the ship’s doctor, pictured below, says they’re both in good health. “The individual was out of the country before being notified of the CDC’s updated requirements for active monitoring,” Psaki’s statement said. “At the time the hospital employee left the country, the CDC was requiring only self-monitoring.” Not working out too well, is it? Your “self-monitoring” lab supervisor is on a Caribbean cruise!

Carnival’s Ebola Magic sailed from Galveston to the Caribbean with a port-of-call in Belize. Yesterday Belize very wisely refused the United States’ request for assistance in evacuating the passenger, especially after finding out this person is A SELF-MONITORING MORON FROM TEXAS with zero brains and zero regard for public safety. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the rest of Thomas Eric Duncan’s nurses went to DISNEYLAND. Can’t a responsible person self-monitor on Space Mountain, too?

I’m getting such a headache. Oy.