Answer me this: Do South African burglars routinely stop to take a dump before they steal the silverware?

Welcome to Insomnia Central. It’s 5:30 a.m., I’ve been awake since 4:45 and I’m parked comfortably at my desk with a teeny bottle of Coke Zero (from the mini-fridge here in the study) and two Russell Stover sugar-free peanut butter cups. I really want to go back to bed at some point because I’ve got a JAM-PACKED AGENDA this morning that includes visits to CVS for my annual flu shot and then to Mesquite City Hall to sign me up for the MTED program. In case you’re interested, MTED stands for Mesquite Transportation for the Elderly and Disabled, and as a handicapped old lady with shitty knees, nerve-damaged feet and a cane I qualify for the city’s free door-to-door bus service so I can get to my doctor appointments in case Sam can’t take me one of these days.

Holy crap ... it’s like having MY OWN PRIVATE CHAUFFEUR! Just like a Kardashian!

The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) CVS at Belt Line and Town East; C) Mesquite City Hall; and D) the new Chinese buffet at Tripp and Galloway that Sam still considers “off limits” due to a petty and thoroughly unsubstantiated fear of old dumplings and ptomaine. (If I’m willing to risk it, why can’t he?)

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And now for the latest news from South Africa! Trigger-happy hothead Oscar Pistorius, the notorious “blade runner” from the London Olympics, has been sentenced to five years in prison for shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp to death through a closed bathroom door in February 2013 because he “thought she was an intruder” in the middle of the night.

I have a couple of huge problems with this, people.

First, ONLY FIVE YEARS FOR MURDER? Seriously?

And second, I find it beyond incredible that the South African legal system pretty much bought Pistorius’ horseshit story that he believed the person sitting on his toilet in the middle of the night was a burglar. What the fuck? DO BURGLARS IN SOUTH AFRICA ROUTINELY STOP TO TAKE A DUMP BEFORE THEY STEAL THE SILVERWARE?

At sentencing this week Pistorius’ defense team pushed the idea that prison would be a hardship for their sad, disabled client and that poor Oscar has already “lost everything,” including his career, his prestige, his reputation, his legs and his money. Thank God the judge didn’t buy THAT ridiculous crap, because she responded that Pistorius is still alive while his victim is NOT, and his disability couldn’t possibly be an issue in prison since he’s been competing successfully on the world stage with able-bodied athletes.

Too bad Oscar Pistorius only wound up with five years. It should have been 20.

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And finally ... I’ve got an Einstein Award today! This time we’re recognizing the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality for opposing federal efforts to lower smog levels BECAUSE MOST PEOPLE HAVE AIR CONDITIONERS. I wouldn’t joke about this. The Commission was responding to a unanimous panel of EPA scientists who recently agreed that current smog standards were unacceptable and were expected to propose a significantly-lower 60 parts-per-billion standard by December 1.

Texas, of course, begs to differ. In an article published on the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality’s website, top state toxicologist bullshit science douchebag Dr. Michael Honeycutt announced that “there will be little to no public health benefit from lowering the current standard,” arguing that any money spent to lower ozone levels would not be worth the effort because nobody really goes outside, anyway. Honeycutt wrote: “Ozone is an outdoor air pollutant, because systems such as air conditioning remove it from indoor air. Since most people spend more than 90 percent of their time indoors we are rarely exposed to significant levels of ozone.”

Apparently the right-wing science-bashers in Texas — including those, like Honeycutt, who actually call themselves “scientists” — have established that outside air is different than inside air. WHERE DO THEY THINK INDOOR AIR COMES FROM? Air conditioners have particulate filters; FILTERS DO NOT REMOVE OZONE!  

Once again, the state’s biggest polluters (and biggest campaign contributors) get another free pass from the Texas Y’all Qaeda.

Please send us a new state government IMMEDIATELY. Thank you for reading this.