Alexander Graham Bell. What a schmuck.

Hello, shalom and happy Saturday to you and yours. I’ll begin today’s post with news about yesterday’s THOROUGHLY SHOCKING WAL-MART DELIVERY featuring two half-gallon jars of surprise dill pickles.

THE UPSHOT: I thought I ordered two 16-oz. jars of Vlasic hamburger dills for $3.23 each but wound up with two 62-oz. jars instead. The damn things are too heavy to lift — I do everything one-handed due to being a senior citizen with a cane — and there’s no room whatsoever for a jar this size in the refrigerator. Sam thinks we should just donate our pickle windfall to a local food bank in case there’s a needy Texas family suffering from a condiment shortage.

On the other hand, if any of my Howdygram readers are interested in a free giant jar of pickle chips please send an email as soon as possible with a short essay of 100 words or less that clearly explains why you deserve them. Thank you and GOOD LUCK!

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Know what? If Alexander Graham Bell were still alive today I’d gladly volunteer to murder him to death because I HATE THE FUCKING TELEPHONE. It gives total strangers, trained sales stalkers and professional pests carte blanche to invade the privacy of your home without permission — at any hour of the day or night — and rattle you from a juicy nap, jar your creativity, interrupt feeding time and drive you batshit crazy. Yesterday was one of those days around here, but today I’ve decided to be proactive. I’M GOING TO SILENCE THE RINGER ON MY PHONE WITH A CLAW HAMMER. And now I’m pretty sure you’ll understand my choice for the Howdygram’s latest Putz of the Week.

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Breaking news story from the Lone Star State! U.S. Representative Ralph Hall (R-TX), 91, the oldest living fossil in Congress, was injured earlier today in a car crash in Trenton, Texas, and airlifted to a hospital in Plano. Hall was a passenger in the two-vehicle wreck and is listed in stable condition.

For your possible interest, a few months ago Hall lost the GOP runoff election for his seat in Congress and is currently wrapping up his final term. Glorioski! This dude is so old he once kissed the hand of Madame Chiang Kai-shek, flew Hellcat Fighter aircraft in World War II, sold a carton of Old Gold cigarettes to Bonnie and Clyde when he worked at the local drug store and had eye surgery in 2012 to remove wrinkles so huge he couldn’t see. Holy crap. Enough already.

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And finally ... I’ve got a Howdygram Einstein Award for you today, too! Meet Pam Mazanec, a businesswoman from the town of Larkspur, Colorado (population 234) and a member of the ultra-conservative Jefferson County School Board who’s pushing to rewrite advanced placement history in the high schools in order to promote the “positive aspects” of God’s Favorite Nation, such as patriotism, respect for authority, individual rights and free enterprise while eliminating historical facts discussing “civil disobedience, social strife or disgregard of the law.” For instance, she doesn’t think students need to learn about Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, the civil rights movement or any other “librul bullshit.”

A post on Mazanec’s Facebook page indicated that she’s Very Concerned about AP history being “overly negative” and, just like all the college classes taught by Dangerous Liberal Intellectuals, they get the history of slavery all wrong:

As an example, I note our slavery history. Yes, we practiced slavery. But we also ended it voluntarily, at great sacrifice, while the practice continues in many countries still today! Shouldn’t our students be provided that viewpoint? This is part of the argument that America is exceptional. Is the College Board above question? And if so, why so? Their credentials? Aren’t their [sic] others with equal credentials who are critics? How do you determine who is fit to decide what our students learn?

With regard to that last question, Pammy, IT SURE AS HELL ISN’T YOU. Real history seems to indicate that a Civil War lasting four years and killing over half a million Americans was not exactly the same as a “voluntarily” ending slavery. In contrast, Britain abolished slavery in 1833 by an act of Parliament ... and that’s a lot more voluntary than WAR.

As for her argument about “American exceptionalism,” somebody should tell the GOP — including Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Pam Mazanec — once and for all that the term was first used by Joseph Stalin in 1930 to ridicule the United States. IT WAS AN INSULT, YOU DAMN IDIOTS.

Still, it’s comforting to know that the Colorado Board of Education welcomes a diverse range of opinions about reality. We’re looking forward to their alternative to the theory of gravity: Divine Falling. And I’d also like to suggest a few other chapter titles for their Patriotic Textbook of Safe History:

• Jesus, The Secret Co-President of the United States
• The Joy of Slavery and Why Exceptional America Gave It Up Volunarily for No Reason
• Joe McCarthy, All-American Hero
• Franklin D. Roosevelt and the Death of American Values
• Ronald Reagan, the Genius Who Slept Through His Presidency with Jellybeans
• George H. W. Bush and How We Learned to Love the Saudis

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I hope y’all enjoyed this post as much as I did. Thank you for your support.