The latest conspiracy theory: President Obama is planning to cancel the 2016 election and declare a dictatorship.

A couple of things. First, Sam assembled our new coffee table a few minutes ago AND IT’S ABSOLUTELY SWELL. Perfect size, perfect color, zero damage, heavy glass, a handy-dandy lower shelf to hold remotes and snacks, and — best of all — TONS OF ROOM UNDERNEATH FOR MY SHITTY FEET. I’m not sure I can explain why room for my feet is such a big deal, but trust me ... it just IS. When you have arthritis and neuropathy you spend most of your life trying to get comfortable, and OUR NEW TABLE DOES IT FOR ME! I’ll bet there are many, many hours of happy, pain-free movie-watching in my future. Glorioski!

Second, and this will come as no surprise whatsoever, The Great Ebola Panic of 2014 is giving the right-wing conspiracy theorists a nervous breakdown. Ebola is, of course, definitely Obama’s fault, because he’s inviting his diseased relatives from Africa into the United States to infect Americans in order to cancel the 2016 presidential election and declare a dictatorship. This is a recurring theme for the right, by the way. At least once a week another fascist talk-show host is convinced that President Obama is planning to rip up the Constitution and cancel the next election.

Cancel the election? I’ll bet President Obama wishes he could bail out RIGHT NOW.

One of the worst of the aforementioned right-wing conspiracy asswipes is Glenn Beck, who went on a hate rampage yesterday on Blaze TV against President Obama for his utter failure to cure and eradicate the Ebola virus. “We need someone with ACTUAL BALLS to tell the people the truth!” Beck shrieked, although he did not clarify what he meant by “actual balls.”

He continued: “Stop hiding behind all of your cabinet members — who you haven’t even met! Stop hiding behind all of your agencies! You know who’s in charge? YOU ARE, SIR! You spent a billion dollars for the job, now do the damn job!” (Apparently President Obama’s new job is Global Epidemiologist.)

Then Beck suggested a march on the White House to force the FAA to suspend air travel from West Africa, which is thoroughly pointless and a monumental waste of time due to there being zero direct flights into the United States from West Africa anyway.

The Howdygram thinks Glenn Beck needs a brief history refresher about a president’s role in addressing epidemics and sacrificing the lives of American citizens.

Thank you for reading this. All of a sudden I have a craving for French fries.