Welcome to Dallas ... where the fun is infectious!

According to a steaming pile of news reports this morning, Dallas County commissioners are considering an EBOLA OUTBREAK DISASTER DECLARATION due to “the potential to suffer widespread or severe damage, injury, loss or threat of life.” There’s an emergency meeting scheduled for this afternoon with coffee and a couple of sweet rolls.

Thomas Eric Duncan was diagnosed with Ebola while visiting Dallas and died on October 8 at Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital. Nina Pham and Amber Vinson, two (of the many) nurses who treated Duncan, both contracted Ebola and are still hospitalized. Vinson — a registered card-carrying ninny — flew to Ohio last weekend to plan her wedding and returned to Dallas Monday ALREADY RUNNING A FEVER on a Frontier Airlines jet, potentially infecting 37 million additional people in all 50 states. When Vinson was diagnosed with Ebola on Wednesday she was hauled off to Emory University Hospital in Atlanta because Dallas is such a clusterfuck.

I have to admit, I’m strangely excited about living in a disaster zone, which might explain why I’m binge-eating Russell Stover sugar-free peanut butter cups — lunch hors d’oeuvres! — and Sam is sitting in the sauna at 24-Hour Fitness. (No kidding.)

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If you want some GOOD NEWS for a change I guess we’ll have to turn to Apple, who introduced the new iPad Air 2 today — THINNER! PRETTIER! WAY MORE EXPENSIVE! — and an exquisitely redesigned 27-inch iMac with a Retina 5K display — FOUR TIMES MORE PIXELS! — running OS X Yosemite, “the world’s most advanced operating system,” at the rock-bottom gotta-have-it price of $2,499.

It’s the iMac that’s got my attention, people. I THINK I’M IN LOVE. There’s no better toy for a retired senior citizen with shitty knees who spends most of her life parked at a desk writing Howdygram posts.

In case you give a crap about this, I’m currently using a 21-inch iMac that I bought back in 2009. It’s five years old, people. FIVE YEARS OLD. Due to Apple’s impeccable timing I think an upgrade is definitely in the cards: IT’S ONLY SIXTEEN DAYS TILL MY BIRTHDAY. Please click here to request my shipping address and thank you in advance for your generosity.

Nice of you to stop by today. Say hi to the family for me, okay?